Tonight Show Transcript w/ Denise 1/19

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Postby admin » Sat Jan 20, 2001 4:15 am

[ Cheers and applause ] after the show, sweetheart? I'm still president for another 12 hours. Let me give you my number.

[ Cheers and applause ]

>> jay: Must be careful there. Good to see you. You look very nice.

>> Thank you.

[ Cheers ] is a lovely outfit.

>> Thank you.

>> Jay: Hey, hey, hey. You sound like clinton. How have you been? Everything good?

>> I've been great, thank you.

>> Jay: Any new animals? I know you're a big animal lover. Everytime you come here, it's some new animal -- a lost sheep or something. What do you have this time?

>> I have two new dogs.

>>Two dogs?

>> Two more. Yes, i have four dogs now and two cats.

>> Jay: What kind of dogs are they?

>> I have a french bulldog.

>> Jay: A french -- what is what is a french bulldog?

>> His name is hank. Hank the tank.

>> Jay: Does it look like a regular bulldog?

>> He's much smaller than the english bulldog. Then i have a black pug.

>> Jay: Black pug, okay. You like the little short, stocky --

>> i like the smooshed in face dogs.

>> Jay: Why, why? What is the reason?

>> You know, they're so cute.

>> Jay: Yeah? You like that in men, too? Guys that look like they have been punched?

>> I like a little --

>> jay: You have some pictures? You got pictures of your dogs?

>> Of course i do. I always bring pictures.

>> Jay: Is this what we have here. Let's see the two new dogs.

[ Audience aws ]>> the one on the left is hank. And the one on the right is betty.

>> Jay: Now, do they just make a mess in the house? These animals just pee all over the house?

>> You know, they have this thing to help train them. They're called wee wee pads.

[ Laughter ]

>> jay: Wee wee pads? Is that some kind of woman's product? What is that? I've never heard of those.

>> Pretty much.

>>With the wings?

>> It's like a giant version.

>> Jay: I'm thinking of something else.

>> And you set it by the door. But my dogs didn't really respond to them. They like to destroy them. So, now, eventually they go out.

>> Jay: Why didn't you just take the dog outside?

>> Well, you do. But puppies go pee a lot. But I think --

>> jay: But how does it know to go to the pad?

>> Well, you put it by the door. But I do think mr. Wee wee needs to come out with something different, because my dogs destroy these pads.

>> Jay: I mean, do you put something like a piece of roast beef -- how do you get the dog to the pad? Okay, the dog is sitting in the living room going, 'i feel like taking a leak.' What makes him want to go?

>> Them on the pad.

>> Jay: But how do you know the dog needs --

>> do you not have dogs? You see them sniffing around. Then you put them on the pad. Or what you can do, this sounds gross, you can take a piece of their poop, put it on the pad, and they'll smell it and know to go there.

>> You all know is a fine actor.

[ Laughter ] he's been in the movie 'traffic.' No, no, that sounds horrible.

>> You asked about their bowel and their pee pee things so i told you.

>> Jay: You know, any fantasy guys had going is gone.

[ Laughter ]

>> i know. I hate to burst everyone's bubble.

>> I find interesting. 'Cause, as i remember, you're like a clean freak, right?

>> I like everything clean.

>> Jay: I mean, having animals urinating all over the house doesn't seem like the most hygienic.

>> I clean up after them. I don't let it stay there.

>> Jay: But, i mean, you're like -- are you a germ --

>> absolutely. It's flu season right now, which i'm terrified of throwing up and all of that. So i have this thing with germs, and I always carry around purel hand sanitizer.

>> Jay: Is that that annoying little bottle that people squeeze and you shake hands and you're like, 'ew, what's this goo'? It's like shaking hands with wet toilet paper when people use that stuff.

>> You shake someone's hand. Like, I shook your hand, and after I leave here, I'm going go use the hand sanitizer.

[ Laughter ] because I don't know whose hand you shook.

>> Jay: I guess. Isn't that annoying just carrying --?

>> I'm sick and tired of using it.

>> Jay: Now, what is it? You rub it, and what does it do?

>> Supposedly, it's -- there's this antibacterial element in it, so that you don't get germs. I don't like to get sick.

>> Jay: Of course. No one likes to get sick.

>> I have a fear of it.

>> Jay: A fear of it. Do you have a fear of other things? Flying -- aren't you afraid of --?

>> And throwing up.

>> Jay: You know, flying germs, those would be --

>> there are so many germs on the plane.

>> Jay: So what do you do on a plane? You're on a plane. Big germ in the seat in front of you. What do you do?

>> This is what I do. I asked my doctor, dr. Shintman.

>> Jay: Doctor what?

>> Shintman.

[ Laughter ] it's true. His name is dr. Shintman and his partner, believe it or not --

>> jay: Don't get drunk and try to call your doctor.

>> Dr. Sugarman.

>> Jay: I know dr. Sugarman. Joe?

>>>> Jay: I know joe.

>> Joe sugarman. So i asked him, 'i'm flying a lot.' And he said to put polisporin in my nose.

>> Jay: Polisporin?

>> It's an antibacterial. It's like neosporin. So i put that in my nose.

>> Jay: Is it a spray?

>> No. It's an ointment.

>> Jay: What do you do, stand on your head?

>> No, i go into the bathroom on the plane. And I squirt the ointment in my nostrils. I just flew back today from new york, so I did it today. And then i bring down my own blanket, because god only knows where those blankets have been.

>> Jay: God only knows.


>> Jay: So you have your own blanket. So you're like a 12-year-old, with a bottle of glue. Do you suck your thumb with your carrying your blanket?

>> No, but i put the blanket entirely over my head. Because I -- i know. I know.

>> Jay: You know what works better than that? A plastic bag.

[ Laughter ] germs can get -- germs can get through a blanket. All right, you're sitting -- you must look like a klan member sitting on the plane.

>> I look like a freak. I'm beginning to think --

>> jay: What does that do? You just get hot. Now, you're sweating under the blanket.

>> 'Cause i take something to help me sleep, too, because i'm afraid of flying.

>> Jay: You take something to help you sleep. Now, your nostrils are clogged up with the glue or whatever it is.

>> Polisporin.

>> Jay: All right. How about valentine --

>> let me ask you this. Do you have any phobias?

>> Jay: Yes, girls that carry little things with them all the time. It's annoying.

[ Laughter ]

>> you must have a phobia. Everyone has a phobia.

>> Jay: A phobia. I don't know. I don't like heights.

>> Heights, you're afraid of heights?

>>Heights. I don't know if I'm afraid, but I can't say I mind flying. I can't say I have any real --

>> you don't have any real phobias?

>> Jay: I don't think so.

>> I find that hard to believe. I do. I think everyone has a --

>> jay: Do you like men that have phobias? Do you feel closer to them?

>> I don't think it's a most attractive quality, but I think everyone has little things. Don't you think? Everyone does. We just don't admit it.

>> Jay: When you go out with guys, do they find it odd that you kiss the guy, and then you spray stuff through your nose, and you put purel on your face, and you use some kind of anti-disinfection?

>> Speaking of lysol. I just started carrying that.

>> Jay: You carry lysol?

[ Laughter ]

>> no, when I travel. Going to a hotel room, you don't know -- the phone. I spray lysol. I clean the phone and the remote controls. You don't know who has been there, really.

>> Jay: What's a guy -- gotta be sick to do something with the remote control.

>> You'd be surprised, i'm sure.

>> Jay: Now, you sprayed lysol. What do you carry -- so what do you carry? How much stuff --?

>> I have a sick back. A sick bag. That my agent turned me on to, because he's a freak like I am. You don't want to be stuck in a foreign country or somewhere where --

>>in your sick bag.

>> I have everything. Imodium.

>> Jay: Imodium?

>> Imodium, advil cold and sinus. Flumadine, in case i feel the flu coming on. Zithermax, i carry.

>> Jay: Any condoms in this bag?

[ Laughter ]

>> maybe. It's a bag that I carry just in case if you're stuck somewhere. You get sick.

>> Jay: You get taken hostage.

>> You're in a foreign country. You can't read labels or some 7-eleven is not open, so you have you everything.

>> Jay: Very smart.

>> Don't you think?

>> Jay: I think that's very wise. Tell us about 'valentine.' Tell us the plot of this movie.

>> I think, a horror movie. I don't want to spill the beans.

>> Jay: Don't spill beans because then you would have to spray lysol.

[ Laughter ]

>> it's like valentine's goes wrong. And, like, a lot of people get killed.

>> Jay: Valentine's day goes wrong, and a lotf people get killed. How many times has that happened? You're trying to have a nice valentine's day and people get killed.

>> But it's a fun movie.

>> Jay: Okay, all right. We'll check it out. It opens on the 2nd. Can we shake hands now or do you have to spray something?

[ Cheers and applause ] denise richards. Be right back with don cheadle, right after this.

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