To the one and only Sarah--
You are the best! I've seen everything you've ever been in. I even have a pirated copy of the industrial you did for the Olive Garden. You say 'Hospitaliano' like you mean it. Good for you!
I'm such a huge fan of yours. I've been waiting and waiting for the traveling Vaudeville act you're doing with Patrick Swayze to come to my town. I've heard it's hilarious. I want to see the part where the two of you juggle live kittens. Kitten juggling is a lost art. Does Patrick do the bit where he pretends to get distracted by a pretty lady in the front row, and 'unknowingly' drop the kittens, one by one, until he's left waving empty hands? Do you stand there with arms akimbo, giving him a dirty look? Funny stuff! Are you ever coming to Seabrook, New Jersey? I'm going there in three weeks to visit my no-good gambler Grandmother. Maybe I'll take her to the show. It might upset her, though. She loves cats.
You are so artsy. I really enjoy it when you bulge your eyes out. When you do that, I almost feel like you're trying to scan me. I hope you are.
One more thing-- I read in 'Plunge' magazine that you have 44 ribs. I just can't believe it. It's impossible to tell, although I've never seen you Rhumba. That would be the only way to know for sure. Was it a birth defect, or did you have them added? You know what they say: 'Ribs are the actor's edge'! Very clever.
You are the best actor in the world. I hope to see more of you on the super-screen.
Your Biggest Uber-mongous Mass-of-Fan ever,
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