Dear Leo DiCaprio--
You are the best!! I love your films: 'Titanic', 'The Brady Bunch Movie', 'Spanish Dracula', and even 'The Great Hope of Polly Wogga'. You are the King of friendly parrot movies!!!!
I am such a huge fan of yours, so you can imagine that I nearly flung the butter when I heard you were planning to roller-skate across America. That's terrific! Will you be coming through my town? When will you get to Lexington? My aunt lives there. She's a windsurfing champion. Won't you get tired? Stupid question! I'm sure you can afford quality roller skates. Still, are you positive you can make the trip in only 14 days like you said on BRAVO? I don't doubt your abilities, but just make sure you don't skate through Detroit. They don't like you there.
Finally, I just wanted to say thank you for volunteering to be the Mother Susan Glory Welfare Home's human Christmas tree for this upcoming holiday. It's very kind of you to let those poor folk decorate you. Who gets to put the angel on your head? I hope it's a homeless Crone's Disease victim! That would be really touching. You have the best holiday spirit!
Thank you for being the greatest actor alive. And I don't care if you did have your fingernails removed because they scared you. At least you had the courage to get rid of them. If only all actors could be as incredible as you.
Take care, and safe skating!!
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