WHAT would OK! magazine be without David and Victoria Beckham? A nouveau version of Harpers & Queen? About five pages thick? Or maybe it would just be 15 pence per issue without having to incur the mammoth costs of securing Beckham exclusives?
At any rate, your v. important Â£1.85 this week gives you the Beckhams' second honeymoon in Venice - the world's most romantic city for the world's most romantic couple. And, as you'd expect, OK! revels in this salubrious showboating of celebrity like an Essex girl in Tenerife.
'The couple's relaxed body language - their legs intertwined while Victoria holds David's arm - shows how at ease they are with each other,' coos the magazine. Indeed, both look rather too comfortable in their gondola.
'Wearing her trademark black, Victoria looked as elegant and slim as ever,' says the mag, '(while) David looked casual but handsome in a gleaming white T-shirt and baggy trousers.'
Could Posh and Becks - Britain's real royalty - consider adopting this continental lifestyle for good? Well, OK! seems to think the couple is none too happy at home.
'First of all it was reported that one of Victoria's solo songs, I Wish, from her new album, was stolen and put on the Internet,' it reveals. 'Victoria is said to be worried that people will hear it before it is properly mixed.'
You mean she's concerned that people might realise she can't sing? Don't be so naÃ¯ve - we all think that already.
But the mag continues to convince its Celine Dion-listening readership of Posh's singing credentials. 'One of the tracks from her new album has used baby Brooklyn's voice,' it prates. Apparently Posh was 'inspired' by Eminem's seminal '97 Bonnie & Clyde, in which he sampled his daughter laughing.
And inspired it may be, since Brooklyn can hardly sing worse than his mother. Eat yer hearts out, Kajagoogoo.
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