Hliarious Reviw Of Enrique's Album By A Costomer

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Postby hippiechic » Tue Apr 06, 2004 10:54 am

Glory of the 80's
This nice and funny customer review was found on the net.

Read Review of Seven - Enrique Iglesias
Review Summary About the Author

Glory of the 80's
Mar 09 '04 (Updated Mar 09 '04)

Author's Product Rating

Enrique does 80's rock/dance. Hooray! Be Yourself, Roamer, and Break Me, Shake Me.

Why the hell don't you own it yet?

The Bottom Line
I want to do naughty things to Enrique's bottom line.

Full Review
Ah, 1999 - the Explosion Year. The pop boom, the blonde boom, the sexy-but-annoying boy band boom, the Latin explosion... I'm sure I forgot something there (Britney's wawas didn't so much explode as they did swell rapidly and dangerously), but ah well. Let's lookit the last one. (Not the booblies, the Latin explosion)

Yep, 1999 - the year that Latin artists hit it big/semi-big in the U.S. First there was Jennifer Lopez aka J. Lo aka Jenny From The Damn Block, wiggling her swollen glutes for everyone in a music video. (Not counting That's The Way Love Goes) Then there was Ricky Martin's bon-bon (and oh, what a bon-bon) and that damn Livin' La Vida Loca song being played every five seconds. (And somehow that didn't manage to be his worst)

And then there came Julio Iglesias's son Enrique, sexing up the airwaves with Bailamos. Wow, it seems like only yesterday I hated him, that song, and his damn mole. Few years later - that damn Hero song was being played every five seconds (complete with over-the-top, sappy video). And then I loved him, the song, and his damn mole. Fast-forward to the end of 2003, during which my sexy Latin studmuffin (what? He's freaking hot) quietly released his seventh overall album - 7 - to... well, ummm... hmm. I'm still not sure yet - success ain't the right word, considering hardly anyone seemed to know a damn thing about it.

Cut to a couple days ago when I heard the second single - Not In Love - on the radio and rushed the hell home to download it. In a sudden fit of loyalty to my future husband, I decided, "Hell, why not download the whole thing?" Never mind the fact that the album version of Not In Love wasn't the duet with Kelis that was on the radio. (That wasn't a typo)

SHOCK... or something. In a good way - remember the whimpery, puppydog-eyed Hero and the sexy, smoky, mysterious Latin-dance tinge of Bailamos and Rhythm Divine? Or the sunny, dewy upbeat pop of Be With You and Escape? Screw it, screw it all - Enrique's gone back in time and dunked himself halfway in the pool of 80's rock/sorta-pop/dance. Meanwhile, his other sexy little foot splashes around in... well, modern pop/rock. Mix the two together, and you get 7 - irresistible. Delectable. Delicious.

Hmm. Come to think of it, those very same terms could be applied to Enrique himself, but I digress. Whaddyagonnado? The man's hot. Anyway.

Fittingly enough the first song that Windows Media Player lands me on is also the first (supposedly popular) single, Addicted (also tacked on at the end in Spanish - Adicto) - probably the closest thing to a misstep this album has. Not to say that it's bad or anything. Just... kinda boring at the start. It sure is pretty, though - slow electric guitar strumming on the verses... big ol' drums and softly-growling guitars on the chorus... yum. (Not to mention the warped-and-synthed strings and all, but anyway) I guess this could be likened to the Hero of 7, if you wanna get thorough about it. "Mmmaybe-I'm addicted! I'm out-of con-trol! You're-the-drug that-keeps-me from dyyyy-in'! Mmmmaybe-I'm a li-ar! But all-I really-know, is you're-the on-ly rea-son I'm tryyyy-in'!"

Then again, if he is a liar, then how the hell would the person be able to believe that they're the only reason he's trying? (...To do whatever. Live, get better, sleep with the President's wife, I don't know) Plus, if he's a liar, then how would they know he's a lair, cause if he says he is he could be lying about that and... ow. My head hurts.

And now he's Free... free to do the dirty things we like. Hmm, I'm already liking the mental images that's giving me... but anyway. Funky electric-plucking, roaring in the chorus (....Rooooar), nifty acoustics late into the song, laid-back and energetic at the same time, and Enrique declaring that "I'm free! Freetodothe dir-ty things you-liiiike!" Aw. Suki-suki, now. Or something. Damn, my descriptions are starting to suck. So when in doubt... add more lyrics as a distraction. "I'm free! Freeenoughtodo what's-on my-miiind! When-you go down and freak on me! That's when-I'm free!" So basically, blowjobs make him feel like a free man. Okeydokey.

And yay! The 80's rock/pop-dace monster rears its sexy Enrique-shaped head on You Rock Me - complete with snarling guitar riffs, beeping and groaning synthesizers, and - big fat shock - warped, swirling synthesized guitar riffs. Hooray! Plus a helluvalotta (sexy) attitude in Enrique's voice as he cries, "Yeah-you rock me! Aaaaaaall niiight lo-o-ong!" in a near-scream. Hey, whaddyaknow? He is capable of doing something other than whimper in an adorable manner! "Yeah-you push me! Aaaaaall niiight lo-o-ong! Yeah-you love me! Aaaaaaaaaall niiiight lo-o-ong! Yourockme all-night long!" Don't tease me like that, Enrique. I have hormones and I'm not afraid to use them on you if provoked. Or something.

Second single time! For those of you missing some of the earlier Latin influence from his songs... well, Not In Love is as close as you're gonna get to it, building its sexy self around a rapid-fire, stop-and-go Spanish guitar riff, doused in mysterious electric riffs and a booty-shaking beat... the downside? Compared to the radio version (which, as I mentioned earlier, has Miss Milkshake Kelis dueting with Enrique), the album version's... eh. It just feels empty without Kelis on it. But I'll keep it anyway. "Ah-ah-ahhhhhh... you sexy-thing and-yeah youknowit! Ah-ah-ahhhhh... you-move it-rightand now youshowit!" See? Booty-shaking. I hope it's Enrique's booty that's shaking.

Oh baby oh baby oh baby.

The big brother to You Rock Me, with extra sexy sexiness - The Way You Touch Me... in which Enrique twists my lust meter in his favor by injecting his voice with loads of spunky attitude and a roguish tone to match the downright fun tone of the song - more of those fun, snarling, upbeat guitars (listen once and then try and get the riff out of your head), more twittering and swooping and swirling synths, and even a tiny hint-o-rocky-piano. That and the fact that Enrique goes up into that downright awesome falsetto he's managed to perfect by now - "It's-the waaaaaaaaay you touch me!"... well, standout's the only word I can dredge up. "Coz it's-the way you touch-me ba-by! Girl-it's the way-you touch me ba-by! If-you-want, we-can-talk! All-night long, but-it's-the way you touch-me ba-by!"

And shift doooownwaaaaaaaards into a pretty little, cloudy, mid-tempo ballad. Yay! Wish You Were Here (With Me) has gotta be probably the prettiest damn thing on this album - always a good thing. Pretty is good. Granted, the guitars are all but non-existent (just damn quiet and reserved) and the whole thing pretty much revolves around the gently-rolling beat... but who ever said it was a bad thing? Just remember: It's Really Pretty, And That's All That Matters. Got it? Good. "You gave your-self... I didn't see-it.... you died-in me... I should-have sa-aved you. Ohhhhhhhh.... ohh-ohh... wish you-were here... with me." Well, if she died in you, then - if you wanna be kinda morbid about it - then she kinda is, ain't she? Duh, Enrique.

Enrique Iglesias does Sheryl Crow meets Madonna ballad. Or something. Sounds about right for Roamer - slow rock ballad meets Madonna ballad... kinda like Sheryl Crow does synthesizers. Or something. I don't know. Cloudy, calming acoustics, road-weary beat (...wow, that made no sense to me either), piano, electric riffs, constant soft-synth whirling-line... and were it not for the two songs after this, we'd have my favorite on the album. First off, there's the matter of the music and the damn-beautiful chorus: "My-meter's runnin' low... I've beenmovin' ev'rywhere! Spreadin'-out mywings tryin' ev'rything-but that's o-ver! Coz-whenI'mon my-own! A-wakin' upwithsome-one new! It-never feels the-same I'm mixin'-up the names a-like-a roa-mer!"

Second off, there's the whole bucket load of emotion shining through Enrique's voice the whole song... and third? A woman who cuts in in the middle of the song and at the end (I dunno who she is yet), throwing in one damn catchy, ass-kicking chant (you gotta hear it to get the full effect): "Mississippi-Tennessee, Argentina-N.Y.C. California-Mexico! Like-a roa-mer! RussiaSan-Francisco Bay, right-into the U.K. 'round-the-world in eighty-days! Like-a roa-mer!"

Right back into "Unabashedly 80's" territory, two times over - first up, Break Me, Shake Me! Okay, so I thought at first that it was a cover of the Savage Garden song (even if it sounds like a Savage Garden80's throwback song, sorta)... but even if it's not, it's still damn excellent because I said so... or something. And let's face it, who better than Enrique to seamlessly mix hard, pop-rock-ish riffs with the feel of the most celebrated decade in music... along with some of the best synth work since Paula Abdul stepped onto the scene years ago? (Rest assured, however, this is in no way Paula-like) Not to mention a b****in' solo. "Don't-be a-fraid to-trust me! I-wouldn't trade-you for-the wo-o-orld! And-if-you feel-you gotta test-me, be-fore-you be-my gi-irl, well-you can shake meeeeeeeeh! Yeah-you can break meeeeeeeeh! But-you can't make-meeeeeh (be-tray our love!), 'coz that's-the on-ly thing I-won't (do-for-you!)"

So... he'd kill for her, kick puppies for her, castrate himself for her, stab her mother for her, maybe even rob a friggin' bank or something for her... just not betray their damn love. Man, he needs to get his priorities in order. I suddenly don't want him as much as I did before.

If any track other than Adicto could've ended this album, I would've wanted it to either be Roamer, Break Me, Shake Me... or this, my top pick for three favorite tracks off the album: Be Yourself. End the album with a ballad, my ass - if you thought Break Me, Shake Me was the biggest 80's rock throwback on this album... ohhhhhhhhhhh, no-no-no. You're dead wrong. We have a winner here - synthesized voice going "Doo-doo-doo-dehdoo-doodoo-doo-dehdoo-doo," more of those delicious growling and soaring riffs, twittering and swirling synthesizers out the wazoo (in the good way, I mean), and even some of the guitar being synthesized to hell and back (also in the good way - hey, it gets a damn good solo, at least) - almost makes me wish I'd grown up in the 80's instead of the 90's.

Hell, the lyrics aren't too shabby either: "If-you cried, would-you hide would-you want all-the world to-know? And if-you be lieve in love, would-you let-it show? Are-you in are-you hip are-you cool do-you try too hard? Or aaaaare you strooong eeee-nough to-be yourself? Oooh, yeah! My papa usedtosay you're just-a lo-ser and-you're nev-er gonna have-whatittakes! Mama usedtosaaaay don't like-that music you-plaaaay ain't gonn-a get-you no-where! Na-aaaaaaaaaaaah! You gotta be-your se-elf! Na-aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah... you-gotta be-your se-elf!"

Whatever you knew about Enrique's music before, if you only remembered him for the catchy Latin-tinged pop tunes... well, forget it. Forget all of it - if this album is any indication, he's shifted from that area of music now. I'm not particularly sure what his future albums hold, but if he keeps on going in the whole 80's rock/modern rock fusion direction that this album took... I sure as hell won't complain. (And for those who love his ballads - rest assured, there's a couple on here) For those fans of the sexiest sexifully sexy mans on earth (that would be Enrique), you sure as hell won't find yourself disappointed. (Unless for some reason you despise 80's rock. If you do, sleep with one eye open after I find your address) Children of the 80's - I doubt you'll be disappointed either. (Unless for some reason you despise Enrique. If you do, sleep with both eyes open after I find your address)

Wait, you're still reading this - that's not good. Get your ass up right now and go buy this. Read the rest later. Shoo!

Throwback 80's rock-dance. Ballads. Gratuitous synthesizer. gratuitous addiction. Sexy Enrique. Spunky Enrique. Gratuitous Enrique. The vanishing mole. (Unless it's somewhere in the liner photos... or unless it's migrated to his nono regions) Roamers. 80-day world travelers. Lack of Kelis. Mean ol' parents. California, Mexico, Tennessee, Argentina, New York City, and probably every-f***ing-where else in the damn world. Gratuitous falsetto. Gratuitous breaking, (booty-)shaking, and Enrique-touching. (Mmmmm.) Break him shake him 7 times and then do whatever you like with him.

Other tracks on this album: Say It, Calfornia Callin', Live It Up Tonight

Other Albums by This Artist: Enrique Iglesias, Vivir, Cosas Del Amor, Enrique, Escape, Quizas

Great Music to Play While: Driving, cleaning the house, dancing, discreetly gluing a brown M&M's mini to different spots on your face and writing it off as a rather sentient and creepy mole, screaming out in a falsetto, being called to California, being broken, shaken (not stirred), tossed into a microwave, cooked on HIGH for a minute and a half and whatever-else, traveling around the world in only eighty days, praising your spiffy new powers of teleportation for assisting you in such a task, and fantasizing about making out with Enrique in the shower. Or is that just me?


If you would like to read more about the author of this review or other reviews of Enrique's album 7, here is the original link epinions.com/content_132655058564http://www.epinions.com/content_132655058564

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Postby partygal21 » Sat Apr 10, 2004 10:04 am

That was an enjoyable review lol

I do agree with everything she said. I have no idea why this album didn't do better. It's his best one yet. The songs are totally rockin' I think it's because Enrique didn't promote it enough for people to know that it's out there and to get a taste of what was on it. He should have performed more of the songs of the album on TV shows so people could hear the songs and I just know they would love them and want to buy the album then. Ever since I bought the album, it's been rotating in my cd player almost daily. I absolutely love it! Enrique is not only hotter than hell, he's hot some great tunes too!

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Postby suzieQ » Sun Apr 18, 2004 6:55 pm

That was a very funny! Looks like Enrique has gained another fan. lol

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