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mtvjunkie
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Postby mtvjunkie » Thu Jan 20, 2005 3:40 pm

Well, I'm entering this into a short story competition soon, I was wondering if you guys could give feedback to me, on everything from word placement to grammar if possible. And thanks Paige for the feedback ^_^



"I hate to tell you, at least right now,
To hurt you infront of this growing crowd,
But you have set yourself up for so much pain,
Your marriage won't last, and you won't love again.

"Because you'll realise pretty soon
That no one could love and care for you
As much as I do,
No one could have better intentions
Or such strong motivation,
Ready and willing to run a mile
To simply see the dimples of your smile."

And then he said goodbye to the world,
Goodbye to me, and all that could be.
I wore the stupid ring to cause stupid jealousy
Stupid to the fact that he might run away from me,
Run fast down the street, away from stupid me.

He did not care if he lived or died
Or how many tears I would cry,
I had done much worse, caused more hurt.
I'd taken his heart and ripped it apart,
And he had to find out this way,
Could I have not sent him a card?
No invitation, he could understand,
You don't introduce your ex to your new man.
But a card... or a letter,
He would be heartbroken, but it would be a bit better.

We didn't even have a chance to meet,
I saw him smile from across the road
And waved my left hand to say hello.
And then he saw it, that cursed ring
Causing more pain than a dagger to him
I knew that pain, I knew that feeling,
He did it to me, it left me reeling.
But it's my stupid fault, I took things to far,
As I stand by his grave, I say "Well, here we are
'We want each other but we're so far apart,
'But joined in some kind of union,
'In death when I part, I shall follow you to Heaven or Hell
'I shall do what I have to, to make things well."

He ran as fast as his legs could take him
Running and running on street and pavement.
Then time began to slow
And at that point your fate was shown.

With blood you look beautiful,
With pain written on your face
You still look at me as your saving grace.
"I did nothing to deserve you,
Please don't look at me"
"It had to be done, you are what I live and breathe
If you spend your life with another man
I can't go on, I've lived all I can."
You coughed and the forming crowd gasped
They could tell you had seen your last.

"I always hoped I would die in your arms
But I see another man has fallen for your charms.
I won't blame him, I'll only blame me
It's only fair, I didn't do my duty.
How dare I leave you out in the cold,
But still think it possible to have us grow old,
To create new life, to start a family,
Oh stupid stupid stupid me,
But with my last breath I wish to say
That maybe I'm delusional but I still think that way."

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whatchagot4meMRJT
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Postby whatchagot4meMRJT » Thu Jan 20, 2005 5:32 pm

This better win something. That is all. :D

Really, I found it very powerful, espcially the last line. That killed me. Damn.

Do you have a title for the piece or is it untitled? My title is stupid, but after I finished it, "The Death of Love" came to mind. Yeah, I suck. :thumbdown:

mtvjunkie
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Postby mtvjunkie » Fri Jan 21, 2005 12:43 pm

Thanks for the compliments Paige :hug:

Iwas wondering, is it clear that he died after being hit by a car? Or did you think it was something else like a hitman or something, because my original title was 'Stupid car' because it ties in with all the 'stupid's said and implies how he dies. Just a thought :D And Paige, I'm seriously considering your title :nod: :thumbup:

Oh yeah, and anyone else commenting (or Paige thrid time round :lol: ), were there any word formations or ryhming couplets that stuck out? I'm trying to polish this up as much as possible before I enter it. Also, any part you didn't like I would be interested in hearing. Be honest now :lol:

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whatchagot4meMRJT
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Postby whatchagot4meMRJT » Fri Jan 21, 2005 1:17 pm

Whoa, did not get the car thing at all. Now I feel bad that I read the whole thing wrong. This is how I read it -- He's so in love with her still to this day, and seeing her with her new guy, really drove home the fact that he is the dreaded "ex," and thus, cause he killed himself. :ph34r: :blink:

Ahh, but now rereading it, I am picking up on the crowd forming part. Dude, I am dumb. :no: This is why I always have to read things over and over. Now I definitely get the car death part.

All of the couplets look good to me. And I imagine that you will have educated readers who can properly interpret a poem, unlike me. :lol:

SUBMIT IT!

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BabyBlue2578
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Postby BabyBlue2578 » Fri Jan 21, 2005 2:02 pm

<span style='color:ff0099'>:stupidme: Yeah, I definitely didn't get the car thing, either. And now that you've said that, I think I'm more confused. :lol: And just speaking from my point of view, I don't think I would get it if the title were 'Stupid Car' either. I love it as a title... but I wouldn't get it. :lol: But you know what - I'm slow when it comes to these things. Interpreting poems has never, ever, ever been my forte. As we can see. :rofl: :no:

I definitely love the basis of the poem, though. So just keep that in mind with my few criticisms, which you are free to completely ignore. Because again, I know nothing about poetry. :unsure:</span>

He did not care if he lived or died
Or how many tears I would cry

<span style='color:ff0099'>I was thinking maybe you could change it to:
"He did not care to live or die
Or how many tears I would cry"

OR

"He did not care if he lived or died
Or how many tears that would soon be cried"

I dunno, something along those lines, just to keep the rhyming more... uniform, I guess?

And then</span>
Stupid to the fact that he might run away from me,
Run fast down the street, away from stupid me.

<span style='color:ff0099'>I found this couplet a little reptitive. I think the 'stupids' are necessary, but if you could change one of the 'me's, then it would have a better flow to it.

''Stupid to the fact that he'd be forced to flee
Run fast down the street, away from stupid me"

:shrug: Maybe? I'm just throwin' stuff out there. You can see what sticks.</span>

We didn't even have a chance to meet,
I saw him smile from across the road
And waved my left hand to say hello.

<span style='color:ff0099'>Okay, so these lines, I'm kinda lost on. Is the rhyme with 'road' and 'hello'? Because I was wondering why you didn't use 'street' instead of 'road.'

Something like:
"We didn't even have a chance to meet
I saw him smile from across the street
And waved my left hand with hopes to greet''

:rofl: Yeah, that one kinda sucks ass. I dunno. I think I've massacred your poem enough now. Those were just a few things that stuck out at me. It's a great poem, though, and I wish you all the best in the competition. It kind of reminds me of Closer, mixed with Cruel Intentions. And those are two of my favoritest movies ever, so you definitely got my attention with it. Awesome job, girl. ^_^</span>

mtvjunkie
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Postby mtvjunkie » Fri Jan 21, 2005 2:38 pm

Aww, you didn't massacre it at all :hug: In fact, the bits you pointed out were what I thought to be the weaker parts of the poem, which I couldn't think of alternatives of. But you could, so ^_^ THANK YOU! :lol:

The only other sticky point with me was the 'Oh stupid stupid stupid me' line, but I guess it's fine. :rofl: Aah, the car thing was so obvious to me when I was writing it :rofl: but I think it's cool that you got different things from it, I kinda like Paige's driving idea :thinking: and I think I'll keep the title 'Stupid car' :nod:

Those were just a few things that stuck out at me.
Gee, thanks :rofl: I'd actually like it if you pointed them all out :nod: because I'm trying to fine tune it to the point where it's perfect and can't lose to a lady and her story of her magical cats or something :blink: unless it's Paige :rofl:

Thank you all! :wave: :kiss2:

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whatchagot4meMRJT
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Postby whatchagot4meMRJT » Fri Jan 21, 2005 3:14 pm

Oh, my cat story is an automatic winner. Let's just hope that you get the second prize. :nana:

Possible idea ... or not. :lol:

Stupid to the fact that he might run away from me,
Run fast down the street, away from stupid me.


Maybe it could read,

Stupid to the fact that that he might run away from me,
Run fast down the street, away from what he wanted it to be.


-or-

Stupid to the fact that he might run away from me,
Run fast down the street, free from me, not wanting to be.


Whoa, don't let me near poetry ever again. :lol: Just hoping something might spark an idea.

mtvjunkie
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Postby mtvjunkie » Fri Jan 21, 2005 3:28 pm

Okay, how about this as a revised version (and thanks guys :hug: )



Stupid car

"I hate to tell you, at least right now,
To hurt you infront of this growing crowd,
But you have set yourself up for so much pain,
Your marriage won't last, and you won't love again.

"Because you'll realise pretty soon
That no one could love and care for you
As much as I do,
No one could have better intentions
Or such strong motivation,
Ready and willing to run a mile
To simply see the dimples of your smile."

And then he said goodbye to the world,
Goodbye to me, and all that could be.
I wore the stupid ring to cause stupid jealousy
Stupid to the fact that he might wish to flee,
Run fast down the street, away from stupid me.

He did not care to live or die
Or know how many tears I would cry,
I had vindicated our past, caused more hurt.
I'd taken his heart and ripped it apart,
And he had to find out this way?
Could I have not sent him a card?
No invitation, he could understand,
You don't introduce your ex to your new man.
But a card... or a letter,
He would be heartbroken, but it would be a bit better.

We didn't even have a chance to meet,
I saw him smile from across the street
And waved my left hand, not being discreet.
And then he saw it, that cursed ring
Causing more pain than a dagger to him
I knew that pain, I knew that feeling,
He did it to me, it left me reeling.
But it's my stupid fault, I took things to far,
As I stand by his grave, I say "Well, here we are
'We want each other but we're so far apart,
'But joined in some kind of union,
'In death when I part, I shall follow you to Heaven or Hell
'I shall do what I have to, to make things well."

He ran as fast as his legs could take him
Running and running on street and pavement.
Then time began to slow
And at that point your fate was shown.

With blood you look beautiful,
With pain written on your face
You still look at me as your saving grace.
"I did nothing to deserve you,
Please don't look at me"
"It had to be done, you are what I live and breathe
If you spend your life with another man
I can't go on, I've lived all I can."
You coughed and the forming crowd gasped
They could tell you had seen your last.

"I always hoped I would die in your arms
But I see another man has fallen for your charms.
I won't blame him, I'll only blame me
It's only fair, I didn't do my duty.
How dare I leave you out in the cold,
But still think it possible to have us grow old,
To create new life, to start a family,
Oh stupid stupid stupid me,
But with my last breath I wish to say
That maybe I'm delusional but I still think that way."

:shrug:


Also, does the switching between first, second and third person work? And is it obvious whose speaking when, and if it isn't straight away, so you still get it?


And aaw Paige :rofl: at least it rhymed :rofl: Good ideas though :thumbup:

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whatchagot4meMRJT
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Postby whatchagot4meMRJT » Fri Jan 21, 2005 3:41 pm

:clap: :clap: Good, good, good. The tenses always made sense to me, and yes, I can figure out who's speaking during the different parts. The true test for anything is if I can understand it, anyone can. :lol:

mtvjunkie
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Postby mtvjunkie » Fri Jan 21, 2005 3:44 pm

He did not care to live or die
Or know how many tears I would cry,
I had vindicated our past, caused more hurt.
I had to change the third sentence to make it sound better, that seem alright to everyone?


And why aren't you on msn Paige? You haven't blocked me I hope :nono:

mtvjunkie
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Postby mtvjunkie » Fri Jan 21, 2005 3:52 pm

Oh yeah: nsyncfiction.com/viewstory.php?sid=5627here is a link to the story. Feel free to give me five stars and a great review :nerd:

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Postby mtvjunkie » Sat Jan 29, 2005 8:15 am

I sent it off :unsure:

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whatchagot4meMRJT
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Postby whatchagot4meMRJT » Sat Jan 29, 2005 9:45 am

:yay: :yay:

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BabyBlue2578
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Postby BabyBlue2578 » Sat Jan 29, 2005 11:45 am

<span style='color:ff0099'>:crossfingers: Good luck, babe! :pray: :crossfingers:</span>


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