Funny Quotes

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laura l
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Postby laura l » Sat Mar 22, 2003 10:55 am

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
Mariah Carey

Question: "If you could live forever, would you and why" ?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever,because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever."
Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana... The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are.
Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22

I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.
David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.

Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.
Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign

I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.
Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward

Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.
Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC

The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe.
Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia

After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post.
Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island

"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry".
Rita Rudner

I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?"
Jay Leno

"The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it".
Jackie Gleason

"Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected".
Red Buttons

"I date this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts: "I wanna know your name"
Mike Binder

"Advertising: The science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it".
Stephen Leacock

"Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window".
Steve Bluestone

"Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac".
George Carlin

"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is".
Ellen DeGeneres

"I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain."
Carol Leifer

"I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead."
Carol Leifer

"The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise". Roger Simon

"You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough".
Pearl Williams

"I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets".
Dave Edison

"Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place".
Johnny Carson

"It's not hard to tell we was poor -- when you saw the toilet paper dryin' on the clothesline".
George Lindsey

"Never moon a werewolf".
Mike Binder

"If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight." George Gobel

Anonymous:


I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show him a periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting farts.

If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started

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