Stripped

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Postby Mariah111384 » Tue Nov 16, 2004 8:29 pm

<span style='color:blue'>Prologue: Stripped Part 1

When pain becomes you
and all seen is within do
Can strength be what is was?
Or passive annoyances remain the cause

To every heart who burns to die
I'm singing and falling with another lie
Another sought after for the time
Closer to every single pang in mind

When cries can breathe no more
Because people are strained to the core
This is no false plea
I am know who I am finally
This is the soul, stripped of just me

Stripped ~ Audrey</span>

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Postby Mariah111384 » Fri Nov 19, 2004 1:06 am

<span style='color:blue'>Chapter 1: Can't Hold Us Down

I couldn't remember the how many shows I've done. All I know is this would be the last one. Gutters, girdles, barely there longerie, so not my style. Singing, that's what it was. The play: Chicago. Every girl's dream! I was portraying Velma Kelly. How I got this part had to be the most perverted, degrading thing a women could ever do to catch a break. I've never had sex for the roles, just hand jobs. Some actually asked for blows and well I succumbed. I had to. I really wanted to act. I never even listened to that angel on my shoulder.

I really only was doing the stuff so I can #1: pay for my dinky apartment in the East scapes of Brooklyn, #2, because I loved theater. I been always so fascinated by the texture of how scenes, words, and gestures were manufactured. Life would just be a big shiit hole without it. I tell ya, the feeling I get onstage is incredible.. Just indescribable. Like you can't just have one bit of your favorite candy bar, you have to have all of it.

Most of the cast sniffs, snorts, shoots, eats and drinks pretty anything that will stop you heart or make ya feel like you're the best in the world. OK, I'm a little exposed but I've never actually done anything but smoke a ciggy. That was when I was 18 though. Well, here I am, 20, still slightly chunky, and I have a super cool job that pays for life for now.

My ultimate dream is to oh shiit I can't tell you that. There's always too many dreams with me. Let's just start with the obvious. Scoff... paralyzing emotion. Yep, its true. Never had or believe a single ounce of what that biitch Danielle Steel yammers about. I never understood when people kiss either. Without really hashing the childhood book wide-open, I wasn't exactly the poster child for appreciation growing. Both my parents died because of high-deal drugging and I never knew until I was 14. I've been living with foster biitches since I finally got my first break after I turned 18. That's where I guess the pebbles of deep abuse  had halted.

Anyway, back to my dream, I dream a lot. But, I really have no idea how to love someone. Its all rubbish and dangerous to me. I never gave it much thought. My parents weren't the nicest bunch o' folks to dine out with. If there's one thing I've learned from them its to close your legs before the guy cums in you. They never wanted me, I never wanted them. We both won. They died, I'm still unable. I tend to shrug a lot when it comes to people. I feel sometimes the trust card is burned one too many times. What are you gonna do? I figure maybe life would be easier if I didn't talk. I guess that it works. Maybe the real peace comes when we die.

Anywhos, I'm getting off track here. I was talking about dreams. What the hell is a dream? I guess its something weirdoes do. I hate when people take about they're stupid dreams like its actually going to happen. I feel like shouting in their face when they do. I feel ignorance is not bliss in any. I dare someone to actually explain how they put those too things together.

The only thing that seems patternistic in this life is that everything does happen for a reason.

Mistakes are made and what was learned has to be what not to do to make it happen again. I just wish maybe one day I will have utter happiness and not have to constantly look behind me. Everyone it seems tries to take that away from me. Especially what happened 3 months ago. I was sort of kind of involved in some small minor crime. OK it wasn't small, I almost got time for it. I have a good excuse: I was hungry alright? There were times when I actually had to look in the dumpster for something. Like bread or some sort of edible substance. Not something you want to think about. It was a really cold night too. It was the first time I've stolen anything and it didn't make me feel like I could do it again. I took the item and ran as fast as I can to what looked like sanctuaric atmosphere.

A week later, Chicago auditions were announced and I was chosen as Velma Kelly's understudy actually. The chic who won the role was involved in a vicious car collision. She remained in critical condition and was kept in a coma for almost a month. I'd never really met her personality that well all I knew first hand was her name. I've talked with her a couple of times and got that she seemed the kind of person you'd talk to. She wasn't rude to me but all the other girls at the audition they seemed to despise her immensely. Unbeknownst to me, she was a trained actress and was "living on trust baby finance." That's what I really twitched about her even without knowing her. The schools I went to were acting in wealthy areas which means daddy money was the subject of purchase. I would always grow insanely jealous of girls who "had it better" with everything. The worst part was what they would wear. Picture Cher circa 1974 Bob Mackie couture. Well, OK, so it was stupidly close I can assure you. Ugh, it was gross. Everytime I'd stare in that direction I wanted to dump red paint on their disgusting carcass-like fashion. I just roll my damn eyes.

Well, here I am: dressed, make-uped, spritzed with the best perform for skin, and totally ripped and rearin to knock em dead. I think I really have to forget what I did to get this far with it. I stick my tongue at it but I shouldn't let it control my life. Hopefully, just maybe someone can see me and hand me a deal with something. I literally am to the point of starvation with roles. I can't afford to be choosey that's for sure. I hear someone offstage shouting my cue. I stand on my mark and promise myself praying silently that this final shot will do it. I have to. The curtains open and I take my position. My raven bob wig sits on for luck and the spotlight shines only on me like it belongs there.

Come on babe why don't we paint the town
And all that jazz...


Feedback please!</span> :D

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Postby *PrInC€š§~R¶* » Fri Nov 19, 2004 8:36 pm

i really like it

you're a great writer :clap:

update!!

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Postby Mariah111384 » Sat Dec 04, 2004 3:24 pm

<span style='color:blue'>Chapter 2: Walk Away

2 weeks later...

Justin's POV:

Shiit! I knew this was the final nail on the hammer. I've already had so many other things to complain about, this was so trivial. I had to get out and now. I was actually going to break up with Jenna but other things got in the way. Like oh yeah, getting over choking on fear. Sometimes she scares me, like she's physically attractive but she can make me want to beat her until she ain't breathing.

I'm so damn tired with my life right now I feel like everything is spinning. Crap, I think chunks are starting to rise. I turned the ignition and bolted outta the premises as fast as I could before I blew. I rolled down the window for a friend. Where are my damn friends anyway? How the hell should know? Tom was supposed to give me a call at 2 because today I wasn't in office but rather out on assignment. I tell ya, cops are the biitch. I stand 6 “2 and well, lets just say I'm not exactly the poster man for being a strong cop. I’m a lanky rookie on “the squadâ€￾ and worse of all, I’m the most irresponsible. Just ask the chief. I think it has something to do with my face. I really couldn’t tell you.

Being a cop does have some OKs but I guess its only when you’re commended for doing actual crime work. Brooklyn is quite possibly infested with tons of open range for us, its the perfect training ground. A few weeks ago, I was on assignment for a suspect involved in a second degree murder charge. I was supposed to take notes and just listen but I couldn't even do that right. I ended up only writing down half of what was said about the case, long story short. It's amazing the chief has so much faith in me. I would've fired me for sure.

I'm suddenly thirsty now. All that damn yelling threw my voice out of all octaves. Sometimes I tell ya, I really hate Jenna. I think this shiit too much and its hurting my head. I spot a liquor store and park. I get out and walk into the place looking for the best beer in the world. As of now, I'm feeling so pissed I could barely stand. My fists clenched around the six-pack of whatever thing I just picked up.

I loaded everything in and buckled up my belt letting out some air from my mouth. I roll down my window and rest my elbow on the side. My eyes close almost too abruptly. I needed a break. I hate what I have to go through almost everytime I'm with her. Its like I'm stuck in some damn Christina Aguilera song or something. Ugh, women! Can't live with them... end of sentence. Jesus, can't I ever just not have them in my life? Is it so much for the almighty to lift a thumb out of his a'ss and actually do something? The fact that nothing ever changes it seems makes prayer a dreadful alternative. But yeah, back to women... Who the hell do they think they are? Damn! They make everything just so annoying and painful sometimes.

Love can't be perfect. Nothing is. I've learned that like a retard. Things like living tend to pass me a lot and I've come to regret not choosing other paths I came across. Being a cop was not on my dream list. It was something I sort of stumbled into I guess. Which explains how I'm still a fumbling moron sometimes. I've gotten better. Being young and doing such an "adult" occupation scares me I'm not gonna lie. Being raised on rifles and shot guns nobody would have believed what I just said. Somehow I moved passed that and faced the challenge.

I went to college for a couple classes and really hated it right away. Although, I kind of did like the writing class they taught but other than that, I really couldn't focus on the assignments. Statistically, now, 95% of the earth contracts Attention Deficient Disorder. ADD for the layman. Personally, I find that insulting. Once again, I fit the bill sadly. I'll admit my eyes travel faster around a whole room than when I consume information. You laugh now, chances are, you may have even worse than I do. I have problems sitting still for a while and reading a novel or magazine. I'm always deterred by something, most of the time its stupid.

I feel like Johnny Depp in the beginning of The Secret Window, just my eyes, dried and dead to everything. I lift my lids up and squint a little glancing at the green crystal of my car clock. 8:48. Feels later. Much later. All that yelling before passed only 4 hours. Still, I wasted my breathe as always. I feel like I'm too much of a pu*** to her. Jenna has fields of problems. She's more passive-agressive than my uncle. She's also a schizo which scares the shiit holes outta me. She's got enough symptoms for me to believe without the hassle earning an MD position to know. She reminds me of Biff Tannen from Back to the Future. She talks about the same things. The worst part of her, she has friends. Not just those "girlfriends," that are really a person you come to for whatever it is. Puppeteers, that's what they were to my girlfriend. Whatever they said was Jenna's decision. Made me sick. Most annoying thing? They talk like hookers. Least Julia Roberts had tolerable efforts to make fingers not plug ears. Brooklyn has plenty. Nails on chalkboard screechers just ruin my good day.

I ramble on too much. I know I do. Ugh, maybe I should take a break from everything. Clubs are out for sure. I don't wanna even tell you what happened last time. Can't go reading at a book store. I'll barely function with everyone in those annoying chairs reading like they're actually liking the book of choice. I could go to the gym and punch the bag some. But nah, besides the place I go to closes at 7 tonight.

I don't know what the hell I'm gonna do. I am more than lost. I wish there was some sort of life in me again. Like I somehow have some stupid purpose for once. Depression is the by far the worst disease bestowed on the mind. My mind sometimes doesn't even feel like me anymore. I put up with so much and never say what really is bothering me. I listen way too much. I should stop listening. Like I said, once a pu***, always a pu***.

Its been a while since I talked to someone with an individual personality. Someone with passion. One that takes no prisoners. Common love is so exhausting. It seemed nebulous and insanity was the breakout. I haphazardly buried myself in this life. I wish it all could end in the way a movie scene can. Movie? Yeah, I could try that. Its been a while since I've really seen one. The closet one was just a few blocks up the street. A movie and fake happiness was just what I need. Just 2 hours of pure escape just to walk away from it all.</span>

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Postby whatchagot4meMRJT » Sat Dec 04, 2004 8:28 pm

:blink: I think I'm going crazy, but I thought I left feedback for this last night. Well, here it is again. :lol: I'll try to remember what I said.

I'm seeing an interesting parallel between the female character and Justin's character. They both seem to be grappling with a lot of personal dissatisfaction and the dreaded "love" issue.

I'm interested in seeing if and how they connect to one another once they eventually meet. They seem like they could both learn a lot of from one another. Some nice companionship would be a nice start -- seems like they could benefit from someone to lend a friendly ear and an open mind.

Great work! :clap:

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Postby xoinnocentjrtgrl » Sun Dec 05, 2004 2:14 am

yeah... the board was down for a bit and in the forum abstract admin forum thingy :lol: they explained some stuff and how stuff posted on Thursday or Friday were deleted

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Postby *PrInC€š§~R¶* » Mon Dec 06, 2004 6:11 pm

yea i left you a feedback on thurs, but it didn't make.

Justin a COP! that is cool...that sucks that his life sh**ty

Jenna leave my poor baby alone!!

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Postby Mariah111384 » Tue Dec 14, 2004 1:16 am

<span style='color:blue'>Chapter 3: Fighter

I sift through the bills composed of 10s and 20s out from the cash register. Slow day but I manage to suppress the boring times. I hate this current habitation I hold. I knew was completely inept to the tasks that lay before me but seriously... The last 2 weeks were hell. Not one bastard saw me at any of the shows and I was gypped big time.

I thought I was gonna be big. I guess I really dream too much for my own good and I should really just except that nothing will change. So OK, here I am. Alone once again, working at Mann 8 Theaters. They told me my shift was supposed to be closing and I really couldn't argue with their asses. When your desperate for money, trust me when I say you're willing to do anything to get it. I seem to have also developed just recently an identity crisis. Well, let's scratch that for a second and just start from the main point. I really hate my name immensely. Like I think its the worst name for any girl. I always wanted a name that meant something. Sometimes I'd run across certain names like Selena and Katherine. Now those were names I could've have dealt with but no... oh no, my parents had to pull out the big time hippie guns on this one. Not to mention, smoking some major mushrooms in the process.

Brace yourself, I was born Aurora Julie Serano. I go by Julie though. Well, my name tag goes by that. I've really always hated Aurora. I was NOT blond and blue-eyed like a Disney beauty. Just a brown-eyed weirdo with something to say. I was so annoyed with everyone in school when they kept calling me Brier Rose like the Disney chic, among other names. Let's just sign off on that much ridicule for now. I really so did not want that in my life. I couldn't focus on much because of what others would say.

I would probably say honestly that I was an abase person to people in my life. I really was never as insurrective with my decisions as I am now. I was grounded with a lot of things. The more I talked to people, the more I got to know myself and my reactions. That scares me. As soon as I reached that certain age where real life smacks you ardently when you least expect it, and believe me it does. I wasn't just duly set on becoming this nice person, it was just part of my thinking. Even to the people who were horrible to me.

I got good grades up until about 5th grade. Yeah, that was a weird time for me. Actually, for 4th grade, that was when the names had started. I received the most reverent treatment in the 7th grade. Middle school was torture. I really didn't have that much of a brain in dealing with bashers. I suppose I was too fatuous to realize that what they said about me were just words. I remember when I was I believe 13 or so, this girl, her name was Jennifer Soloman, crazy b'itch, anyway were supposed to do this project in English where we were supposed to review everyone's poetry. This girl actually hurt my eyes with her words. She has no sense of grammar or common knowledge that goes with writing. The teacher just had to place her and I as partners. If its enough, she made my life a living a hell, we had to actually get along for a damn project. Her's was the worst I had ever seen when I read it and my assignment was to write a review on it, and I did just that. She was obviously gonna put sh'it on mine I could just feel it, so either way I told the truth. See this, everyone was afraid to tell her she was a dumbass. Even she knew she was.

What I did was I wrote the comments very nicely but I told her that she needed work on it. We had to read our comments aloud and I just felt like that was the best moment of my life when I finally stood up to her ass. Everyone was shocked at what I did. Even the teacher who repeated told Jen how good of a student she was, was completely jaw-dropped. I loved it to be honest. Needless to say I wasn't teased very much from that day on. People knew Jen was a slut, but they never suspected she eats paste. I had always known she paid people to do the homework and always cheated on the tests. I always figured the guys she was with would just either wanna kill themselves or her first, the second was my prime prediction.

Back to the movies, that's where I'm at for the time being. The sh'itheads hired me pretty quick since they were uber understaffed. Which is shocking around the holiday season. I also figure this is kind of cool for me. I love movies and stuff so I could learn more about them and how they work. So far I've only had training on Box Office, Ticket Tearing, and the Concession Stand. I was an usher so that also means until the pricks wake up and promote me I'm stuck to cleaning theaters which is what they put me on the last 2 weeks.

Oh yeah, one more bit of information you need to know, the manager is a total perv. Sometimes when he'll call me in his office to talk about whatever thing he claims I caused, I leave and I always hear a whistle as I do. I really wanna quit this place but I'm always going to be at the bottom in whatever I do with life. I suppose I should get used to it.

I place my left elbow onto the counter and let out a monster breath. I'm always bored. The job gets extremely annoying around night time. Either a lot of people mass or maybe just one or two. I stare at my nails --

"Julie, we need you! Box office now! What's your 20?" the stupid very loud radio talkie buzzed shaking my body.

I get scared, than I stick my tongue out and pick up the walkie, placing it to my mouth, "Concession stand. I have no one to cover me though."

"I have someone. Don't worry about it. Vin's gonna cover before his break. Box office, now!" I notice, only Paul takes that tone with me. Damn his loud ass voice.

"Alright..." I remove my apron and run to Box Office and I see Vin counting the bunches of bills from the register.

I pause and the door makes a weird creek. He stops a little and lifts his head to stare at me with a flat smile. "I need you to take box the rest of shift, OK? I'll cover Concession for now?"

Vin was the manager's assistant, which meant only one thing, a'sshole-kiss-up-uber-annoying-penis-wad. Let's just say he need a good b'itch slap at any chance. I always hate the way he stares at me. Almost like he's gonna rape me or something. I shudder and still hold composer as the butthead squats by me. Ugh, I got Vin germs now.

I close the door and sit down on the new rolly chair we just got. With the budget we have, I'm actually shocked to the bone the company affords actual comfort.

I log my name on the register and spin around in the chair. At about the fourth revelation I almost jumped from my seat, than I realize my mic for the costumers was still on. I fix myself up and push myself closer toward the desk. I glance up and hardly see anything. It's pitch dark. Than, smoke had disappeared as I saw a 20ish young man pretty much covered up in denim staring at the movies and showtimes above my head.

I clear my throat, where did that come from? I shake my head and speak into the mouth piece, "May I help you, sir?"

From my eyes, it looks as if I startled him. These mics are so high anyway. I turn down the volume and stare at him again. At this angle I'd guess, no degree, pretty boy, cop or the complete opposite, a crackhead. He seems too skinny. Although, I find his face something scarcely different. His eyes seems like out of some corny packed romance novel. A really deep blue almost a black if they seemed angered. I really didn't like his nose that much. My eyes suddenly found only one thing even God can't pry me away from. For a guy, and this counts for a seemingly heterosexual appearance, his lips were the end of me. They were the kind that you could kiss forever and I do mean that. Almost like they were meant for tugging on just for the ride of something exhilarating.

My staring had pestered him and I knew that when he spoke suddenly, "Hey, are you there?"

I heard a slight chuckle in his tone and that made more tones of red surface. I tuck some hair behind my ear while cursing myself for letting some stranger with to die for lips even deter a second of my thoughts. "Excuse me, yes, can I help you?"

He smiled. His teeth were so damn white. "Yeah, can I get one for Closer at 9:35?"

"Sure." I greeted, placing the order up.

He gave me cash which is good because I really hate when people give me credit and I have to record all the damn transactions. For some reason I actually wanted to get rid of this guy as quick as possible so I could be alone with my thought for once today. I grab the ticket kind of ravenously and slipped it through the small window. His fingers grazed mine smally and I let go as I say, "Enjoy your show."

Out of the corner of my eye he smiles once again and waves a goodbye and now its all pie for me. I breath out and begin my twirling again, thinking about what the hell life is gonna lead me from the job I have now. I make about roughly $7.30 an hour which I believe a joke of all jokes. I'm never gonna be anywhere unless I'm onstage. Chicago was so much fun even though I wasted a good three months with shows that didn't lead me anywhere. It's like I'm venom for all the scouts. I know I'm not an ugly person so that can't be it --

"...hey, I have a question if you don't mind." Damn you voice. You pulled me once again.

I open my eyes and I thought I was smooth sailing with this guy. Guess not apparently.

I get closer to the mic and stare at him, mainly his lips as he listens to me warble, "What can I help you with?"

He scratches the back of his neck and asks almost like a child, "Um, do you know how long the movie is and if its good?"

Whoa, two questions. The first one I got but actually giving my personal thoughts on something I haven't seen. I think for a second. In five seconds I've got it.

"Uh well, its just about 1 hour and 38 minutes in running time and I'm really sorry I haven't seen the movie yet, but I had heard the reviews for it were top notch." Did I really just say "top notch"? Oh Lord save me from myself.

"Oh, well, thanks. I heard it was also. I really like Natalie Portman, she's really good in anything she does."

Now is not the time to be social, the professional annoys me. Eh, screw the rules voice. I'm bored. "Yeah, she's really good for someone her ag--"

"Julie, go the GM's office now. Katie's gonna cover for you. Break, 30 minutes." That damn buzzer just loves to the ruin every moment in my life.

I blush slightly and take the walkie, "OK, I'll be right there." I turn to the guy and he was gone.

I shrug on that note. People come and go no biggie. "Yeah, not like I'll see that guy again. Ugh, I really need to find a better life."

And the more annoyances ensue the worst of my pathetic triumphs for attempted normalcy. Pathetic indeed. Its all the labryth I figure. One of the twisty ones with b'itches in the way. I guess my skin does get thicker when I try.</span>

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Postby whatchagot4meMRJT » Tue Dec 14, 2004 9:32 am

Aww man, she's not in Chicago anymore. She loves the stage, so she better find her way back there. :nod:


And so they meet ... I bet Justin is going to pay a visit to that particular theater a lot more frequently now that Julie has caught his eye.

Can't wait to see what happens next.

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Postby Mariah111384 » Tue Dec 14, 2004 6:05 pm

<span style='color:blue'>Chapter 4: Infatuation (interlude)

Infatuation

Like the storms withering in the timeless glass
I hated it, but still, I stand a look so maybe I will pass
I see beyond seeing, yet no one is there
Only, I do feel it now, she comes to me, that brown spark
buried inside her stare

If looks would kill, that she wouldn't lie
From eyes of stony crystal, they hurt when they cry
The trees only sprout their shaded life held captive in the parks
She wonders to herself, alone, in countless darks
Dealt a joker when all she ever wanted was the
Queen of Hearts

Its probably my best not to look and somehow I must
I see with her pain, nowhere to go, and no one she can trust
I live to save her passion, her soul stays with me
Remains as blessed as can be
For low, and forever, all I really see in her is the same spirit
that lives in me

Infatuation ~ Audrey Roberts</span>

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Postby whatchagot4meMRJT » Wed Dec 15, 2004 8:41 am

Oooh, very pretty. I like, I like. :nod:

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Postby Mariah111384 » Sun Dec 19, 2004 7:23 pm

<span style='color:blue'>Chapter 5: Infatuation

Justin's POV

9 days later

They say everything happens for a reason. Partly true. Everything to me happens for the same reason. I don't think the world likes me very much. I mean I try to be good person and I just get worse as the days go. Things with Jenna are still are things pretty much. She wants all of me and I'm scared. I turn to God and he doesn't care. Its all downhill from where I'm at. I hate being depressed. It really doesn't solve anything. Although, I'm extremely pulled to worry about all misfortunes daily. The one thing that kept bothering me the last couple of days was that girl. The one at the theater a week ago.

I remember looking at a movie to calm myself from my stupid life and than I see this completely bored out of her mind chick. Her voice was the one that threw me. I had never heard a voice so distinct before. It was like the kind of voice you hear in dreams. I don't remember much of what she looked like. With or without the movie uniform, you could tell she lead a plain life, trying to find herself among the herd. I sensed that when and how she spoke. I had about 4 dreams on it and I keep urging myself to dream again if only everything were just black and I heard that voice. Her voice was made for singing. It was a voice for song and words. That voice should be heard by everyone.

The romantic in me actually ignites when such things like that exist. I remember coming back to ask her a bunch of stuff I already know. Seeing her stumble at my queries was refreshing to be honest. I loved her shyness. It was incredibly joyous until the bell sounded my leave. I wouldn't want her to get fired on my account. It was my fault in the first place for distracting her and you could tell she wanted me gone from the day and move on to the next patron. Her piercing voice will haunt me. But I'll never see her again so I shouldn't keep my ears peeled for that sound.

I come back to the real world as I wake up around 8:16am. Holy shiit! I'm gonna be late again. I get it from my mother. I hope in the shower, 5 minutes I get dressed, grab my keys, and drive to the station.

Cops are allowed to speed mind you and with the speeds I'm going, I'm labeling Jeff Gordon a snail. I get out and run inside, glancing at the clock. 2 minutes to spare, not bad. I could try and be not so obvious next time.

I spot my fellow comrades huddled in the corner as I mosey on over to get in earshot of the Chief's commands.

"Jameson, I need you be at Wells Fargo in 5. They camera's are dismantled at the moment and with matinenced, its wasting a shiit load of time. You'll cover for Dashell before 4. Everyone, get back to work." It always makes me cringe whenever I hear him shout but I figure its just part of the occupation.

I watch as they disperse around me release I'm solitaire once again. This nearly always happens to me and I hate it. I don't really show it, beware of the 5 letter word. Beware. I charge up to the 6"4 ish mustached, salt and pepper posture of Chief Henry Patton. I make eye contact and strike my move.

"Chief, uh... what did you mention before what I should do?" I ask no more for I fear that look in his cerulean stare. Bumps my goose against my will."

He sniffs like an angry trucker for a second. I grow scared once again. I knew I should have come earlier but no, I'm too much of a f'uck up to measure to simple standards. I look at him again as he takes a seat on his office chair. He sort pouts to himself as I stand there. Was he deaf? Did I not speak loud enough? The pu*** in me rings truly again. I clear my through unabruptly and start over.

"Sir?" I speak with slight confidence now.

Patton looks up from his desk and sort of stares at me like even if I breathed wrong he'll snap me in two. He regain human compose as I rest easy, "Oh, Timberlake, uh… actually I'd written down a list of specific things I need you to get. Otherwise I'd have you patrolling with the team by now."

He stops shortly as I wonder what the hell he's talking about. Now I'm the apprentice. I'm pretty much a b'itch. I thought I was a pu***. What in the hell is the difference? I shake my head as I see him tear off a handwritten green steno paper piece of paper. He stand up to hand it to me. I take it and read:

1. Double and Triple A batteries
2. Dominoes 4 large
3. Any pack of black or blue ink pens
4. 3 steno pads
5. laser computer paper (staples)
6. staples replacements
7. misc., stationa-

"Justin, did you hear what I said?"

ADD once again. Damn that sucka. "Huh? What, oh, sorry, no what did you say?"

He sighs tiredly. I frustrate him too much. He believes in me, I can see in his patience. "Justin, I need you hear by 3:30. The team should report back shortly until Dashell gets back from relocation. Understood now?"

"Yes, sir." I salute.

He waves me off as his age-spot hands cover his face. You know, I feel bad now. Sometimes I feel I make him older. Than I realize I'm doing it once again by not listening. I back out and head off to my car again. I adjust my holster and unlock my door. I hear thunder and stop. I hate that sound. I feel drizzle on the back of my neck and open my door.

I get in while the door is open and place the list under my planner. I barely use that thing. Its pretty much a costar to me. I stare at my left leg and pull it in as doppler screaming pierces my hearing. I push the door out and watching as a young petite body crashes to the side of my torso and keeps going despite the nasty collision.

I grab my side in pain, "Shiit!" I hear that voice coming closer and I see a skinny man nearly 30 running at fast speeds. I get ready, pulling out my gun and aiming it toward the trotter looking in disarray.

He stops I see. Smart man. Puts his hands out and breath heavily, "What are you doing? I don't want trouble OK. Look, he's getting away."

I scrunch my brow, "Who is?"

"He's getting away OK? I was watching on the monitor."

I relent, is this guy lying? One way to find out. "Where did he go?"

"Uh, downward, toward Sun and Pache 1st. Look would you put away that thing. I did nothing wrong here."

He seems believable enough. I lower my pistol and turn in the direction he gave to me. It now begins to rain, what luck. I tuck my gun in my holder, running as fast I could until I saw the same red hoddie I spotted earlier. Yeah, that's the one that crashed into me. He's gonna get it bad. I ran up closer and closer to the small frame and yell out for him to stop and all I kept hearing were more steps onto the watery ground.

I finally had enough of this nonsense as my legs grew a larger brain and found its way closer behind the guy in front. I shout one last plea and grab the hoodie and swinging it toward the gate to the right of the narrow pathway. I hear and groan get out my cuffs. I finally say something to this trash.

"When I tell you to stop you stop. What the f'uck were you thinking? Huh what?" Sure I'm pissed. My side still hurts.

I hear whimpering, more shaking and than a deep breath in, "Please."

I freeze but keep my firm grip. It couldn't be. I must be dreaming. I KNEW that voice. I knew it too well for my subconscious. This is crazy. I'm going nuts. Up the prosaic when I get back.

"Quiet, I didn't ask you to speak."

I could almost feel the tears fall from that face even if I could not see it. "I'm sorry, I'll -- I'll give it bb --ack. I'm hungry."

Now I KNOW the world is nuts, not me. That voice needs to stop already, "I said quiet. Turn around now."

I see the head down as the body curls around and the head slowly lifts to decipher my face. I don't think botox could get rid of the ambiguity that stills my expression. It is her.

"Julie?"

She stares at me, that I cannot read. She blinks and cries more. I see her eyes swarm over my face. I want her to speak again but I believed I scared her shiitless.

She pauses as her face turns ajar to the left, "I'm sorry. I'll give it back. I'm so hungry."

Hungry? Why? Why does she say that? I had both my hands trapped onto her shoulders. I could tell I'm hurting her. I release a little but I still want answers. It was than that I stared at her face actually. Her eyes adorned apparent wrinkles abraised from lack of sleep. Her face looked totally unrecognizable. I felt like touching her tears mixing in with the rain. I realize what I should do. I let her out of my grasp.

She's not lying. She's in need of care. I see that as I whisper briefly, "Get out of here."

She looks at me now. Her beautiful brown eyes curiously corner my intentions as they stretch out of their sockets, "What?"

I look at her. Why is she doing this? I need to get rid of her. NOW. "I said GO AWAY!"

She thinks for a moment. I see her eyes shuffle from side to side unsure of my motives. Her lips crease to together as her voice sings once more, "Thank you. I don't understand this but... thank you."

It didn't take long for her to understand. She deserves a life, a better one. I watch as her body pulls more distance between us. I did the right thing. I know I did. I turn back and never turn around as I hear feet hastily land onto the ground. She had climbed over that fence. This isn't the last time, no matter what I say or do, its never the last time.</span>

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Postby whatchagot4meMRJT » Sun Dec 19, 2004 8:18 pm

Wow! :unsure: Things really are going badly for Julie if she's having to steal her food. Damn! :no: I wish there was something that someone could do to help her. Like Justin said, she deserves a good life.

And her voice must be great if he dreams about it and it's that distinct. Some people really do have those voices that stop you in your tracks -- they're that distinct. :nod:

It seems like fate or some force is pulling Julie and Justin into these quick meetings. I'm curious as to when they'll meet again and under what circumstances. :thinking:

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Postby Mariah111384 » Mon Dec 20, 2004 2:54 pm

<span style='color:blue'>Chapter 6: Loving Me For Me (interlude)

Loving Me For Me

Somehow, I just couldn't see
I couldn't grasp the words in front of me
He was strange, as I viewed closely
Pacing his mind, giving me clues slowly

He strokes my hand as I stare on
This stranger I've somehow earned, somehow won
I never see light, the picture of grace stands in my sight
He knows me, yet he does not
He crawls like me to reach what he got

I feel his heart in eyes only
He's touched mine, closing vision on a lonely
Thoughts of swirling truth abridge within closed pathways
I touch his face, depending every essences of what I say

Mirrors of his visual lay unknown
Umbridled to love and inertia, we become stone
I lift my head, for a split second I finally know a home

Than I run...

Loving Me For Me ~ Audrey</span>

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Postby whatchagot4meMRJT » Mon Dec 20, 2004 3:00 pm

I'm lovin' the interludes. :thumbup: I like how they have a connection the story, but they can also stand alone on their own merit. :nod:

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Postby Mariah111384 » Thu Dec 23, 2004 2:00 am

<span style='color:blue'>Chapter 7: Loving Me For Me

3 days passed. I still can't escape one simple gesture. Breaking news: I stay as of now in a tiny dance studio adjacent to Westport. I have my clothes and that's it. I was pretty much evicted from my stupid apartment. I hated it anyway. I have a couple blankets that I keep with me. I still saved the suitcase my last foster mom gave me. It was medium and it held most of my clothes. I couldn't take anything but clothes and you can imagine what a pity that is for a female. I shower and bathe in the studio locker rooms. It drives me crazy if I'm not clean. Also, it makes me more dejected than I already am.

Its still amazes me how much dignity I've saved. Also, how lenient I am about all that's happened to me in the past couple of months. I've never even been the least bit bilious to anyone. That officer didn't help much either. I knew it was him the second he yelled at me. I just kept running and I didn't know why. Then, he caught me. His eyes just looked at me. I thought he was going to puke. I didn't know I was that ugly. Than, all of a sudden, I inherited Diana Ross's tone. I was quiet. I'm never that way with anyone. I was actually soft. My bones even in the semi-hurting state were relaxed like it caught in some kind of bromide spell. I remember bouting with him even though he held much strength over the caustic ways of my so called "self-defense process."

I couldn't tell you much really it all kind of happened so fast. It felt like eternity. I kept waiting for things to get worse but it was... different that time. He more than saved me. Despite the brou ha-ha I created at the supermarket, I thought I was going to make it this time. I did, but I shouldn't have.

The most capricious part was when he said Julie. Not my name, but the remembering was what bothered me. How could he have remembered some stupid girl at a movie theater? I was totally rude to him and I didn't care. I don't understand why I care this much that he remembered my name. Its not like I have one of those distinct faces anyone will unobliterate. That was the pestering thing about this. I don't want to be remembered frankly. I told myself and God, with whom I have never directly or purposely committed a blasphemy, that I want people to just work with me and not decipher my reasons. I was so used to being forgotten that the trait sort of stuck. Daniel Day-Lewis once said "I stayed alive this long because of fear." I couldn't agree more. It only works when you don't show it. Sounds like a major contradiction but think of it like this: we feel at a lowest when we fail, right? We'd be lying to ourselves point blank if we said we haven't failed at anything. Overachievers use this process too. Which is sometimes why they seem more diligent than others. So in order to conduct more confidence within our beings, we use that bit of petrification to fuel our needs, wants, and desires. Its our right and no one can stop us.

I suddenly have to pee. The clock at the end of the first floor hallway reads 9:12pm. I've been staying in the closet of the studio for 2 days. Patrons just believe I'm a regular. I felt so good to have my first shower in 3 days. I wouldn't say Howard Hughes has anything on me just that I thrive on good hygiene. Its important.

I walk down the halls and stair upon the framed performance polariods hanging on the left and right of me. Some consisting of concerts, updates and past memories. There were some that had teachers with students smiling brightly. Luminous visions they were. I suddenly stop onto one. What is this? My eyes come closer and blink out and almost catch myself in utter cynicism.

"I thought you were out of my life for good. No good conniving b'itch!" I wanted to smash the glass, stomping on the shards afterward.

I ground my teeth. Why the hell do I care? Oh yeah, cause I have next to nothing. I thought things were over. I still have some nasty things to rely. She did afterall ruin me and my supposed existence. Now she goes by Jenna. Like that makes it any better. I blow a raspberry thinking about nothing but peeing as I run toward my destination.

I'm out of breath as I closed the door. I close my eyes, wielding myself rational again. This wasn't working. How could someone so pathetic still have this big of an effect on me? I start to do my business all the while compelling myself with thoughts of waterfalls and such to spring some fluid out. I turn on the water on high pressure. That sometimes helps. It did. Success. I can breathe. I stand up quickly and flush. I start to convoke all natural senses one by one. This was getting frustrating. Why I'm still thinking about Jennifer Soloman will never squeak by me.

I step out and I hear an indistinct voice. Speaks strangely odd. Like I heard it before only it was higher. I don't care that much but I can't help unescaping the torture-filled conversing.

"...are you sure? I mean did he like tell you all that? Baby, OK I think I got it. Alright, when's the time? Its 15 after 9. You're always held up. We hardly see each other anymore. Sorry, its just I don't know what to do. I feel like you're avoiding me. Alright, how long? Why don't we go out? Just cause. Sweetie, I miss us. Like how we used to be."

God... can it get more trivial? Eyes roll... I think it can.

"... OK. Meet you out front in about 10. I don't know, I think about 10 tonight. They lock up like 15 before that though. Good thing my last class ended now. OK, I love you. Bye."

I heard a click and hide myself. Why I really bothered to eavesdrop, makes me annoyed. OK, I was going to take my notebook and just fisk around until I find some common justice. Too much life coerces me straight into dumbassville. I already felt like I lost brain cells listening to one person talk.

I snuck around the closet and grabbed my pad and pen. I also grabbed my wallet. Of what I had, I felt like something warm like cocoa would do me right. I had around 2 hundred bucks from the last guy I stole it from. I've had that skill since I started living on my own. Although, it rarely works today unlike 2 days ago. And let me tell you 200 was not even all of my rent before my ass was evicted.

I pull my red jacket over my shoulders and stuff the pad under my arm as I walk out the lobby. The door opens and my face gets about hit with 10 degrees below. Shiit, its so cold. I figure since its cold, walking will do nothing. I'd rather be inside a cafe or something. Than the word taxi filters my mind. OK then. I start to see a couple people invisibly slowing me down and I suddenly turn around and stare to my right. The taxi stops and I see the door open. Normally from my memory and personal experience, cabbies don't care much for people so my legs speed up to the yellow vehicle up ahead me. I was getting closer than I saw a leg peak out, I didn't care. I kept going.

My legs finally reached the cab in time but oh no, the body came out. Go just go! I yell to myself, but nothing. WHY is what I want to know? Just WHY? My eyes are not my own anymore, possessed being the tantalizing term taking place. Lips licked, yes, I'm not there. No one is.</span>

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Postby whatchagot4meMRJT » Thu Dec 23, 2004 8:58 am

Oh lordy, Justin's Jenna is Julie's Jenna. :thinking: I think I'm starting to see what's about to happen. Her enemy/competition is the girl he's trying to get rid of. :nod: Or I could be completely wrong, but that's what I'm starting to imagine. :lol:

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Postby Mariah111384 » Sun Dec 26, 2004 12:08 am

<span style='color:red'>Pics Time!

The main character:
elizafan4ever.com/gallery/albums/userpics/10001/normal_cbts001.jpgAurora 1
elizafan4ever.com/gallery/albums/userpics/10001/normal_WT01.jpgAurora 2

And the b'itch: ;)
keira-knightley-pictures.com/kk12.jpgJenna 1
keira-knightley-pictures.com/kk26.jpgJenna 2</span>

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Postby whatchagot4meMRJT » Sun Dec 26, 2004 9:23 am

Both girls are gorgeous. :wub: Now how can I hate Jenna when she's so lovely? :lol:

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Postby Mariah111384 » Fri Jan 21, 2005 9:28 pm

<span style='color:blue'>Chapter 9: Impossible

Justin's POV

Soft heavenly eyes
Gazed into me
Transcending space and time
and I was rendered still
There were no words for me to find at all


The breath of fresh air. I didn't know who I am at that instant. I was embarrassing myself yet again. She probably sees that and gets scared. She looks at me. I really don't know what to do. Jenna hates it when I gawk as I am. Sh it! Jenna. I have to move. She's where I'm going. I can't move my legs. All I believe in are my eyes. What I am looking at right now. All I'll be.

As I stood there beside myself
I could see you and no one else


I will myself to snap from the trance in the weird moment taking, it finally works. But she doesn't move still. My hand was getting numb on the corner of the car door. I watch her watch me. I still couldn't believe it. Of all the places. I shouldn't question the reason why its there. For some explaining, its worth something and I want to know. It gives me comfort being in this presence.

I decide I should say something. Maybe a greeting. I don't want to seem intimidating, she appears to already hold an offbeat glance. Her wide brown eyes follow my face but plant their focus upon my lips. Her eyes squint than go back to original position. She licks her lips as I find the silence terribly excruciating.

"Hi... uh, I..." I pause. What the hell? I am stumped.

I don’t know why this is happening. I think my voice is scaring or something. I walk up a little closer. She doesn’t back but stares. A stare I don’t familiar with. I take this as my cue…

“Are yo--â€￾ and she fled from me. That was it.

My eyes close and I tilt my head slightly. I bout with my composure. She left me. As soon as she came she left and f uck me I didn’t run after her. Should I have? I stand bootless with a confined clue in mind. I keep seeing Julie and she leaves me or I allowed her.

Is there some brutal chancy whisper in reason I should know of? My eyes open and I don’t really see the point of it all. I felt dejected suddenly. Like my life was almost crumbling and I don’t know why.

I stay still, falling within the last moments. The cabbie took off nearly forever ago. Her eyes are fresh to me. I breath with them. They sync up the solitude I wanted from life. Man, she has gorgeous eyes. One of those deep browns that only can be deciphered as unloved windows which paint desperation within certain entities blinded by what I used to believe was real.

She is real, I now can believe only that. I cavort the notion but its hard. I’ve wanted to feel this peaceful for since I can’t remember. I refuse to castigate my feelings because I don’t believe in something that appears farfetched. I’m gonna think for myself for once. I don’t care if this is trance, its mine and nothing will break it.

I jump suddenly at the noise I hear. A voice rather, which counts as noise pretty much. I almost f ucking forgot. Why didn’t I? Dammit. I scowl and hold it in.

“I wasn’t late, OK!â€￾ I make a stupid face.

Jenna makes her way around to me, eyebrows elevated, “You ok?â€￾

I don’t understand why she cares. Whatever. I look at her, roll my eyes, and scoff, “Yeah, you ready?â€￾

She looks so happy to see me. I feel sorry for her. She smiles as I groan on, “Yeah, I’m starved.â€￾

Well, you look like it. I’m surprised she asked me to meet her here. Only just recently she got afraid she was gonna lose me. Geez, why am I not stronger than this?

She comes closer to me, I sneer, “Let’s go, come on.â€￾

I push me aside for a sec and proceed with the girl I used to be clinging and liked it. Now I feel so routine with all this. I don’t know or have a clue why I don’t say anything. I have the power to hit anyone that annoys me. Granted, I’ll never do that to a woman in my life, though, I’m known for being a compulsive liar every so often.

I look at her and fight the urge to scream at her all she’s causing me. This is beyond the “you’re my b itchâ€￾ mantra, I’m seriously and quite frankly pacified. The problem with me is I think more than I say. I stay quiet to people a lot and usually let them say their sh it. I’m getting sick of taking it and not being the one with the voice.

I shake my head, I follow and I don’t know where I’m going and I don’t like it. “Jen, where’re we going?â€￾

She looks at me like I got three heads. Again, anger restrained. “Uh, I’m hungry and we are going to have dinner where we always go Marmalade Café, what’s wrong with you already?â€￾

Oh, if only I had forever I could turn into a whiney cheerleader in 1.23 seconds. I hated these questions, well, ok, I compose but still I feel no more steps should be taken unless something is off and out.

“Look, I’m just really tired and I don’t need you on my ass about everything! OK! Let’s just get this over with.â€￾

I treed past her without a solid glance. I kept in mind the Café was about 3 blocks a walk from where I’m heading. I hear clinking heels and pass on.

“Justin! Come on! Wait! Let’s start! I wanna talk, please?â€￾ her out of breath squeak she calls a voice pierces my hearing.

Its really funny to hear her gravel when I finally put her in her here place. Its about time. I see the door and open it up and I waste no time going inside. I don’t leave the door open for anyone. I’m taking care of what I want now.

She’s panting. OK, part of me has a heart so I turn to her. She looks at me like she’s seen a ghost. She’s not used to this guy. The leash is gone now. She has no power anymore and I know she’s dying but I don’t give two f ucks.

“Justin, what are you trying to do to me? You know I can’t run in these shoes. Damn, now my feet hurt and you know dancing takes a lot of your feet… how could you be so inconsiderate?â€￾

I wanted to push her in front of a car. She really is a pathetic one I was cursed with sadly. Never had I thought someone could be so boring, rude, and annoying all together. She pulls it off well.

I smirk I really don’t care, “Oh? Sorry, I didn’t see you behind me. I wanted to get here fast so I ran.â€￾ My hands clasped together to create warmth.

I hear that painful sound she thinks is scoffing, “Justin, really I’m not joking. I could have gotten hurt you know? My foot could have been ruined for my concert tomorrow and you know that’s more important to me than anything…â€￾

Oh of course. Just when I think heads couldn’t get any bigger, you sure take the metal babes.

“…I’m willing to not bring it up again if you buy me desert?â€￾

Whoa horsy! She has the nerve to bribe me when she herself has no place to talk. What a hooch if only one exists. “Yeah, right.â€￾

She rolls her eyes assuming I’ll succumb to her wishes but really I’m planning the elaborate the death of Jenna in my head.

I turn to the host, “Uh two?â€￾

“Right this way.â€￾ he grabs menus and we follow behind me.

We reach our table in the usual are we always used to park it and chill. Man, its been a long time since I’ve seen this place. It always remains me of Old Calabasas in a way. The setting is pretty much French replicated but its more or a relaxed atmosphere. I always enjoyed the service here and the food is alright. Not five-star material but middle class prevents such changes from occurring. I don’t fret too much on it. Cops only afford what is earned to how much work they do. Like I said, work equals mula.

We seat in complete silence and all I wanna do is run and not scream my lugs out at her. But I must. I feel like I should start clean and calm first.

I breath out and look at her, “We need to talk Jenna.â€￾

She seems preoccupied with her menu and that bugs me more than I already am. Here I am trying my hardest not to kill her and she still ignores me. I feel like scenes are not my thing to make so I try once again.

“Jenna, can you please put it down so we can talk. I really need to say something and its been bothering me for a long time.â€￾ Her eyes look up at me and sort of close the long booklet.

My fist slowly unclenches, “Uh, do you think we can order first? I’m really sorry I promise I’ll pay attention, just so I’m not so distracted I wanted to just order.â€￾

Fine, but she needs to listen to me. I’ve waited too long to dish this out and actually get her to talk to me when I want her to. “Yeah, alright, whatever.â€￾

I signal for a waiter and never to they actually come when someone like me calls them but I guess I was lucky this time.

He looks at Jenna, “What can I get you Miss?â€￾

She opens the menu, “Uh, I think I’ll start out with the angel hair shrimp pasta and some water.â€￾

She actually orders a meal, still not impressive.

He looks at me now, “Oh yea, I guess I’ll have the picatta.â€￾ Was the first thing I looked at. Not like I’m gonna eat it anyway.

He left now I open my mouth and I don’t care if she didn’t breath, “Jenna, I can’t do this anymore.â€￾

Damn, her expression is priceless. I’d laugh out loud if I wasn’t so nice. “What?â€￾

I think it’s the dye, could be that nauseating perfume I whiffed when she attempted to hold my hand. I realize its serious so I oblige once again, “I don’t love you anymore. You make me feel bad about my life and I can’t stand when you bother me about the stupidest things known to man.â€￾

I close my eyes for a couple of seconds. If she says what one more time, violence will not be disclaimed. My eyes open up and she looks as if she still doesn’t get it. Well, at least she hasn’t spoken yet.

“You’re kidding me?â€￾ her voice was one I didn’t know she had in her. I almost felt sorry but enough is enough.

I shake my head, “Nope, not kidding. I hope you understand where I’m coming from here.â€￾

Why did do that? For a second I thought I was talking to a plausible human. Oh no, what do I do now? I see tears. She’s not saying anything but damn. I know I’m not a robot so I get up, take her hand with both mine, and look her sympathetically.

“Jen, are you ok?â€￾ I was in love with her once upon a time ago and I still do care a lot for her.

She looks away and sniffs. I see her wipe tears with her free hand. Sh it, NOT now! I will not take what I said back but I hate seeing people in pain. It doesn’t matter what they did its still hurt no matter how you slice it.


I hear her voice softly stutter as it forms something audible. “Do I really make you feel bad all the time.?â€￾

Oh god no! NOT gonna cop out now, no pun intended. But OK, just don’t make it worse. “Jenna, I can’t see you anymore. You’re gonna find someone but it can’t be me. I’m sorry, I’ve been feeling this way for a while now. Please understand.â€￾

All of a sudden this took me by surprise, she screams and covers her face. I look around. That’s right. Everyone looks at us. Mainly me. Oh yeah, like I hit her or something. She’s acting like I hit her. I should just take her home now.

“Jenna come, on you don’t wanna do this here. Let’s go, I’ll take you home.â€￾ I take her hand and get up while she sobs hard in high intervals.

OK, come on now. “Jen, come here.â€￾ I reach out my arms for her and she still doesn’t move.

She turns to me, her eyes red as crimson, “How could you do this to me! Seriously, this whole time I was-was WHY?â€￾

I already told you. My brain was getting frustrated but I had to hold it, “Its how I feel alright. Least I can take you home come on. I know you hate me but I still have to take you back.â€￾

She suddenly grabbed her jacket, put it on, and got up giving me one of those “f uck youâ€￾ stares, “Stop doing me favors, OK? You just ruined my whole world, alright! Just leave me ALONE!â€￾

Man, what a b itch. I realize its not the best thing to tell someone, which was why I was hanging on so long, but yeah least she could do is not be such a drama queen.

I watch her stomp outside and I start jogging after her, “Jenna stop! You don’t know the way!â€￾

She didn’t say anything she was hailing and ignoring me. I rolled my eyes, sh it the crime of doing something nice for someone. OK, I know I’ve put up with enough and I say that too much but this time I mean it.

“Jenna! Stop this, really I didn’t mean to cause you hurt but I can’t help how I feel. Just let me do this OK?â€￾

She stands still, hand down. Its freezing now, I can tell by our breath. She slowly turns around. I’m sort of scared by the look she gives me. I’ve never seen her this emotional in my life. I thought she was a robot who only did what was expected of her. Guess I was wrong.

I nodded a confirming affirmation and she ran in my arms giving me such a tight hug I thought the air was all the way out of me. As I hug her I’m thinking again. This is all too weird. My eyes focus ahead me. I’m comforting someone and I find myself looking beyond the tiny body in my arms. I see brown hair, than a blurry face. It turns around, standing still.

Not again, I’m being crazy again. But than, no I’m not. She turns around. I see her face again, this time a much better vision than before. My eyes focus their retinas onto that face. I SEE HER. She’s here. She’s over there. She runs as she sees me. She runs and my legs don’t work. Strike 2! Sh it! They don’t work. Legs are immobile. Everything is slow.

I make it my goal. She comes in my life again, I run to her.

I let go of Jenna and we go in the cab I called. It was 15 minutes of crappy silence and for some reason I had a smile on my face. Not because of breaking up with the next to me finally, I had a smile for Julie. Things were going to be better when I get back.

After I take her home I take myself back and nearly fall my body onto the couch. Julie, the one that got away I think not. I smile, its real.

When I Saw You ~ Mariah Carey </span>

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Postby whatchagot4meMRJT » Sat Jan 22, 2005 9:55 am

Breaking up is never easy to do, but I think Justin did it well. He told the truth and finally let out what needed to be said. I'm sorry that it had to upset Jenna so much, but it's better to get it over and done with, and to move on. And Justin is definitely moving on ... to Julie. Don't know how she'll respond to him pursuing her, but their always running into one another has to mean something.

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Postby Mariah111384 » Fri Feb 04, 2005 12:36 am

<span style='color:blue'>Chapter 10: Unapprieciated

Oh boy!

Whew! Close on. The way people drive is crazy now. I can’t move without some jerk off cutting me off just so he can kill me. What a waste ain’t it? Crap, Brooklyn is scary. Man, hate cops. Not a fan really. Do they really serve and protect? More like scarf and reject. Whatever. They just ruin my day really. Yeah, I saw that weirdo with the hair and those stupid eyes again. Not sure what all the staring is about. Maybe its psychological or something. I didn’t like it one bit.

Well, here I am, walking the streets of Stonybrook near the corner cross section of Elena and Valencia Blvd. I know these streets so well now. I could just write 100 pages on the sights and smells alone. I couldn’t go back to Retter’s, he’s there.

I came next to a bank with a clock on the top. It was nearly 10. Sh it! Nearly 10, its 9:52. Retter’s closes in 8 minutes. Dammit! Why me? It’s always me these things happen to. OK, enough whining moron just concentrate on getting there in time.

I start running damn fast now. It was so scary now but I tried my best to push the petrified thoughts aside and focus on ahead of me. I rounded the corner of East Patton St, oh God ONLY me. OK, focus Rose, now, this was kind of the way I ran away from the copper, but is it? Dammit! I hate it when I don’t know anything. I guess I got to think about this more. I know I went right on this path and I turned when I ran ahead of me. Ugh!

I turned around now and I saw the women who looked like the front desk women. Could be. I ran to her. I got closer and closer. I stopped myself, panting sort of awkwardly.

“Excuse me, sorry do you work at Retter’s ballet?â€￾ I need an answer about now. I have 3 minutes according to my watch.

Come on lady, do you or not? She takes her time, b itch. “Oh, yeah, but we’re closed now. The hours tomorrow start at the usual 10am. See you tomorrow.â€￾

She gave me grin that could seriously steal the perky crown off Cameron Diaz. She had lipstick on her teeth that made this worse to concentrate on.

She gives me a callous look and I bite my tongue. “Look, would you please tell me where it is. I’m coming there to pick up my sister. She’s only 3, OK?â€￾ I tell ya, once you start lying you don’t wanna stop. Funny.

She just looks at me like I’m this incompetent nothing person a waste of life, “Uh, behind ya sweetheart.â€￾

Hey I may be borderline bourgeoisie but I know for a fact I don’t sniff markers for a living. Sh it! I run and F UCK ME THE DOORS ARE LOCKED!

SH IT. F UCK. SH IT. DOUBLE F UCK IT! A ssholes! UGH!

She wants to go home
But nobody’s home
Its where she lies broken inside


I start banging though I know I’m done now. I’m really done. Sleeping in the streets? God, f ucking sh it I’m so scared. There’s nowhere I can go this late.

10:01!

I can’t believe this. I cannot believe my life is still a joke. I have no gloves, nothing to get warm on. My jacket is my only salvation now. I feel so small. Brooklyn has gotten to me. I am dead. I feel it in my conscious. Salty tears warm down my cheeks as my hands reach onto my neck for that last drop of body heat I might have left. My body just got about 10 degrees colder. I feel so broken.

A sharp chill swipes my cheek and I cry more. I wonder what’s wrong. Why I am such a loser in situations. I run from everything. I analyze things too much and never really think about what’s best for me. Honestly, I don’t think I love myself anymore. I turn around, maybe thinking about a Starbucks or something that’s still open. There’s one about 6 blocks from here. If I hurry now, hopefully it won’t close. Hordes of shards were dispersed around my feet. I at least had shoes. My jacket wasn’t warm enough though. My shoulders were getting frozen. I guess when you are forced not to get a hold of a lot of food you tend to lose some insulation. Dammit!

With no place to go to dry her eyes
Broken inside


My mind was suddenly discounting what was left of my “dignityâ€￾. Had I any to begin with? I grow unsure by the second. I have no respect for any of my needs. I steal to survive. Its reason enough for Freud’s psychoanalysis experiments. I don’t even own a mackintosh, that’s smart to know when I feel drizzle drops on my head. They’re gonna get heavier I know it. Brooklyn is like that.

I start making my turns and run through the street ways. There are many of faces I see now with nothing on them but the clothes they probably had on them for weeks, months. NO! I will not be a victim to abhorrent life styles. This is not my life. I was supposed to be a star. What happened? Really, why, just what happened with me? I ask god and I figure the vacation will hold until I leave goodbye to the world. Which will be pre-ordained soon enough I’m supposing.

Open your eyes and look outside
Find the reasons why


Jesus, I never felt so sub zeroed in my life. Its gotta be at least 30 below. My toes feel nothing as my nose becomes inhuman to me. Now I know what Jacko’s going through. I suddenly can’t sniff, but than it comes back and I sigh watching my breath as it dancing in the wistful breeze. I can’t say enough how cold it is now. Practically everything is gliding around me. I spot a couple of hobos attempting to grab more warmth around a lighted inferno within a rusty barrel. So many people are like this but I can’t be one of them. I refuse it.

You’ve been rejected
And how you can’t find what you’ve left behind


My eyes are crusty with random frost that paints on my lashes. It can’t be snowing and raining at the same time. No way! Damn, my luck. Only my f ucking luck. I don’t get it now. Sh it, its getting worse, I have to speed this up. I have no body heat left in me.

In restless dreams I walked alone
Narrow streets of cobblestone,
'Neath the halo of a street lamp


The streets are so slippery and I’m beginning to think I won’t make it now. Oh god, what is that? YES! I see it. I will go to it. It’s singing to me, its beautiful.

I turned my collar to the cold and damp
When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a neon light
That split the night
And touched the sounds of silence.


Starbucks

I’m about 2 streets away. I see it. I’m running, and I don’t care if I fall I’m going to get there. But NO! NO! F UCK IT! The lights, something is wrong with the lights. Its dark inside. No, that can’t be closing. I’ve come so far TOO f ucking far. NO!

"Fools" said I, "You do not knowâ€￾
Silence like a cancer grows.
Hear my words that I might teach you


My body just barely reaches the doors. Its pitch black. No one is inside. They’re gone. My hands spiral around my shoulders. Is it possible to get colder when you’re numb to it? I’m going to die. I can feel it.

My watch reads 10:15pm. I just don’t know anymore. It starts to rain. More ambiguity showers upon my heart. What made me ever think I actually had a chance with anything? The rain falls with my tears. I walk and hope. That’s what I’m doing or trying to.

Take my arms that I might reach you."
But my words like silent raindrops fell,
And echoed


I walk under apartment curtains. There are hotels, but they are 5 miles from me. I don’t think I could hang on much longer. Everything is turning withered. I don’t know what’s wrong. I see something. I see two people. A man and a women. They are old. They are plain. They love each other.

And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand people, maybe more.
People talking without speaking

Looks like I may not get that option with my wondrous luck cascading in my last minute findings. Sources tell me: end scene. There is nothing. I see this couple. I want them to help me but I know they won’t. People are not that way. Being nice can be overrated I guess.

People talk too much anyway. It’s almost as if you have to literally kill yourself to get them to listen. How do explain that logic?

People hearing without listening,
People writing songs that voices never share


My patience still has some life its amazing. But God, I carried this trusty bravado all these years and its never amounted any good in my life. Nothing, it doesn’t matter if I’m strong. Life is getting in my way. I thought living it would have some brunt effect on my soul. My soul is not mine. It belongs to people who take it away from me.

And no one dare
Disturb the sound of silence.


Anyone with half a brain should know its all about the churlish people. The ones you really wish were the ones suffering but its really you. I can’t think anymore.

I feel a touch, a hand. I scream it rains. I scream for the rain. In the rain, there is no one. I see no one. I see apartments. Maybe…

I run to one start banging. I’m petrified more if only possible. I scream for it to open. There are two more on this residence. The next one looked dark. I didn’t give a holy sh it. I run and bang. LET ME IN!

No one looked home. I hopped off the stoop, soaked in a mixture of acid rain and salted water. I almost slipped coming to the 3rd one. I bang on it. I band harder. Scream harder.

The door opens… I step back and almost fall down the stairs. Is this supposed to mean anything? Whenever I’m cold, it’s him I see. I start crying in place. He looks at me with eyes I barely picture in the blurry vision.

“God, Julie, what happened?â€￾ his voice is so huggable, something I just want to keep.

He steps closer to me. I don’t even know his name yet I am enamored by our consistent “trauma meetingsâ€￾. I finally look at him. I study him while the blueness of my lips grows cooler. God, he’s so beautiful.

“Can you hear me? Are you all right? Here, come inside.â€￾ His hand is in front of me.

Here is my song for the asking
Ask me and I will play
So sweetly, I'll make you smile


So many people have let me down. So many have made me cry, made me mad about myself. I see his hand, I do. I see it but I don’t understand a lot. His warm hand feels powerful. I chide my negative thoughts (they always surface in everything).

I don’t know what it was that made me just do it but I couldn’t hold back. No matter who he was I wanted to be held, held so tight and never let go.

I collapse in his embrace and tighten my own hold. More tears approaching, I feel happy now. Delighted? Elated? Something that shouldn’t be forgotten. I was me, raw, unhiding. I felt him blanket me the same.

This is my tune for the taking
Take it, don't turn away
I've been waiting all my life


His hold appeared shaky. Felt like he was wanting someone to do this with him. I start crying more. I’m in pain and he’s in more pain than me. I start caring again. He shakes in an depressing gesture. I wonder what’s wrong. A stranger is beyond my term for his role to me. He knows me, how come? I don’t know.

Thinking it over, I've been sad
Thinking it over, I’d be more than glad
To change my ways for the asking


A mixture of laughter and crying emerged within my person. He doesn’t pity me. He looks at me, I allow it now. I had such a hold over him that I didn’t want to look directly in his stare. He looks down at me. His eyes have a way of making the most hideous feel jubilated. I found it hard to conduct an actual smile. I nod my head, he agrees and shocks me with a kiss to my damp, frozen forehead.

Ask me and I will play
All the love that I hold inside


I take his hand. I cry harder with him.

Nobody’s Home ~ Avril Lavigne

Sounds Of Silence ~ Simon And Garfunkel

Song For The Asking ~ Simon And Garfunkel </span>

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Postby whatchagot4meMRJT » Sat Feb 05, 2005 7:02 pm

Whoa, another freaky meeting. :huh: Justin's always coming to the rescue in one way or another. In this case, his warm touch and companionship is the cure.

Actually, now that I ponder Julie and Justin's scenario, I think that both of them are in need of saving. :nod: They're both lost, but wanting to be found by the right person. :nod: Aren't we all?

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Postby Mariah111384 » Sun Feb 06, 2005 5:30 pm

<span style='color:blue'>thank you paige.</span> ;) :D

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Postby Mariah111384 » Sun Feb 13, 2005 5:25 pm

<span style='color:blue'>Chapter 11: Beautiful

Justin's POV:

She was cold. Not her skin, her heart. She can’t trust me and she assumingly does. It’s extraordinary. Her will, its what brought her to me. It’s why she keeps coming back. I try and calm my nerves to a small portion but struggle with the effort.

She remains quiet. I circumspect my movements very carefully. She knows this, I peek at her thoughts. Nothing. I can’t hear a sound but my puppy coming in. Damn Sam!

I take his collar and lead him to my room. I close the door and I hear scratching. My head shakes as I turn away and walk back to the stoic figure in the door. Its like she’s afraid to take another step. She sniffs. I’ve seen her at unbelievable emotions. I come closer towards her. She still doesn’t move. Her hand calls to me. I reach for it.

She jerks her head my way, she blinks, her eyes don’t seem to recall mine. Slightly coltish but I hold my own. “Hmm… What’s your name?â€￾

Hadn’t I told her? Oh yeah, convoking all my attention onto her again. “Justin.â€￾

She smirks a little, “I used to know a guy with that name in high school. He was with this girl who was older than me. But I never talked to the guy. Long story short, she’s the worst thing to happen to humans since Ashlee Simpson.â€￾

I laugh, cheap shot but still, she’s sort of right. Although, weird, where had all the information come from? Maybe it’s best not to mention it. I look at her and offer to take her jacket. She hands me the jacket and I run it to the basket in the laundry room. I walk toward my room and start to search for some clothes. Her entire wardrobe is soaked through and I’m looking for some warm stuff in my closet.

I find some clothes and close my door. My back seems to ache but at that moment, Julie was my only care. I walk in the living room, she’s not in sight. I frown.

“Julie?â€￾ I turn around and check the kitchen.

“Yeah? Everything OK?â€￾ I hear behind me and nearly jump.

My head veers around and I give her reassurance gesturing to the clothes in my hands. I smile, hoping she detightens, “Yeah, its is. Uh, I brought you some clothes. You can go change in my room or the bathroom.â€￾

She has a weird look on her face, there’s more to it but I can’t figure much. Her damp her drips a little and she pulls it back out of her eyes. “I can’t stay.â€￾

I don’t understand. She feels dejected to me. Like the things I’m doing she doesn’t care for. “What?â€￾

She shakes her head and purposely avoids my eyes like I’m the plague. “I can’t stay here. Listen, I’m really sorry about outside. I don’t do these things. I just, I can’t stay here.â€￾

I take it in but I refuse to hear it. She’s thinking narrow-mindedly, I can’t let that happen. “You can’t leave.â€￾

One of her eyes closes, she squints, “Excuse me?â€￾

I sigh, not wishing to further this mini quarrel any longer. “I don’t know what to say but I’m sorry I can’t let you leave.â€￾

Her eyes grew pissed, “What? You can’t tell me where to go. You know what? This was a mistake, let me have my jacket.â€￾

She started running past me and all I could do is gape on while she searches for it. I roll my eyes, this is childish. “Please don’t do this. You should be so scare-â€￾ she turned around and pushed me hard.

“I’m not afraid of anything. You don’t know anything. I want my stuff and I want to leave now.â€￾ I don’t see has that has really changed my mind.

My teeth ground together, but no, I can’t get mad. “Stop thinking that you shouldn’t be afraid. You didn’t have to cry before but you did, and you’re afraid of admitting that you’re lost. It’s alright. To me, I know what that means. I know how that feels. Please, please stay Julie.â€￾

“Stop calling me that!â€￾ she wipes at her eyes and turns the other way still looking.

I give up. “What are you talking about? I didn’t call you anything all I said was stay.â€￾

“You just don’t get it! And why should I explain anything. Jesus, where the f uck is my jacket?â€￾ she treads past me and opens the door to my room. Dammit.

I run inside and slam the door. She needs to stop this. Does she really not care about her life? Seems like it. “Look, you need to let off. I don’t understand you at all. Will just stop?â€￾ I grab her arm, fed up now.

She looks at me bored out of her mind. “Let go! Give me my stuff Justin.â€￾

“No.â€￾ I don’t let her move. But, damn it she’s a pit bull.

“You can’t keep me here, this is wrong.â€￾ her voice struggles a bit.

“What’s wrong with offering you some help? You practically invited yourself in here, what was supposed to do? Its even worse now outside. Do you want to go back out there… freezing? Come on, give up this act. I see through it.â€￾

“There is no act just… let… me… uh… go… Stop it. What? Stop trying already. You can’t control me.â€￾ she almost gets away but its downhill when I corner her against the wall.

I smile a little. I see her face, it looks bad. I shouldn’t feel so proud that I’m hurting her more even though it wasn’t my intention. I don’t want to get rough but I guess she’s calling for it. Her face changes, it gets softer. Her eyes appear darker, she’s losing herself slowly. “Stop it.â€￾

As hear those words, something happens, something I didn’t see coming. I definitely didn’t sense it coming. I start to fall inside of it too. What’s going on? “Julie? What?â€￾

She shakes, her hands shake rapidly. I cradle her wrists and slam them hard onto the wall above her head. Whoa, what happened there? Sh it, I don’t know. I stare straight ahead as I watch her helpless, crying. There’s more to it. She takes in a sharp breath, still shaking. I see them coming in fast now. I want her to stop, she will stop. She has to stop. I will help her stop. I have to do this.

I swallow and move closer and my lips press a spot on her cheek that was stained with her human emotions. I keep its there for a good 3 seconds and she begins to still and mainly stiffen. I hear her quiet moans and pull away to scan her eyes. Her wrists were still above her head and now I really felt like sh it. I give a thin smile and place them on the back of my neck. I just let her go and she jerks back gasping and blinking ravenously. I swallow hard. Her blinking is starting to freak me a little. I wanna know what she’s thinking. I don’t think I should ask her. Maybe I shouldn’t scare her.

“I’m sorry.â€￾ I whisper.

I watch with wide eyes as she places her hands right where they were before. “I’m not.â€￾

I don’t know why or what did it but my mouth had wanted to just do something. I got closer and stopped on her forehead. My lips plant themselves softly onto her skin.

“Lower…â€￾ she sounds and wakes me a little.

I’m screaming inside, she speaks and all I feel like doing is throw emotion in front of me. “Lower… please.â€￾

Dammit. This is where it starts. Do I want to do this? I really care about her but I did break with Jenna tonight. Well, f uck Jenna, actually no, thank god I don’t have to do that anymore. Anyway, damn, what do I do now?

“Justin?â€￾ I look at her, its hard. Her eyes are locked closed.

She wants this. I care about her. She really wants to do this. I feel torn. But why? What am I doing? Do I know her? She’s amazing. I met her at the theater, I came back to see her again. The movie line was really lame but I needed something to see her again. I had to see her. I came back a week later the same day and she was gone. I drove off and thought to myself. About my life. About people in my life. If I keep her, if I do this, can it change my life? Was I really looking for love to begin with. With Julie it was all sex, sex and low tolerance. But, sh it, she wants this. She wants this and so do I.

I make my decision and tilt slightly, savoring the seconds, the moments, all of it. I hear a scream I jolt back and find that she’s landed on the floor… with Sam jumping on her.

“Sam!â€￾ I start pulling his collar.

I hear her laughing and I start to cry, sh it ok wipe your tears before she sees. God, I love her laugh. It’s beautiful.

Sam eventually ran out and Julie and I seat on the floor. She’s still laughing. She rocks as she laughs, that’s new.

Her laughs die down a little and she looks at me and giggles. Well, confuse me more why don’t ya? I smile, “What is it?â€￾

She laughs again, “I don’t know. But I don’t want it to stop. God, I haven’t laughed in forever.â€￾

I came next to her and leaned my back against the wall. I look at her profile. I start thinking again. Actually, for once I don’t. I look at her, the back of my hand brushes her cheek.

She takes my hand and holds it in her lap. “Do you have a thing about touching me?â€￾

I breath out, I slow things down a bit. “Sorry.â€￾

“Don’t, its fine. I’m not weird about stuff like that its just you know, you never know when the wrong person touches you.â€￾ she seats cross-legged and looks down.

I know exactly what she means. But I won’t delve into the issue if she doesn’t want that. “Yeah, you kinda have to be careful.â€￾

She nods gently. Her whole life has been such a failed attempt to survive. I can tell that without knowing her. Its so sad to me. Here I am, being all b itchy about all the horrible sh it going on with me and I never realized there are really other people who battle worse than me. I really want to get her out of those wet clothes… er well, because she might get sick.

“Do you ever wanna stop? Just stop the world and live in it without people for once?â€￾ This caught me off guard now.

Though, tragically, once again, I feel the meaning of what she’s saying. I take a large breath and let it out. “Yeah, most of my life I wish it would all go away. Like the things we know we can’t control but we still wanna change it anyway because we feel strange. But, yeah I know.â€￾

I wanna grin forever. It’s been a while since someone just listened to what I felt. Too f ucking long. I have so much pent up sh it built up and talking to mom was the start. I know she listens but sometimes I need to be with someone and have them listen to me in the flesh.

I stopped searching for love since I was in high school. I had girls who wanted to f uck me but no one mature enough to deal with me. No one I actually wanted to be with. I still came out of the shallowness with a good head at least. Like I said, becoming a cop wasn’t what I dreamed of, I really dreamed of falling for someone. I wanted than more than money or success. I wanted someone I could respect.

“You’re quiet. What are you thinking of?â€￾ I startle a little.

“I was thinking about well I don’t know.â€￾ For some reason that sounded so stupid.

She ducks down to give a sympathetic look. “Really? You OK?â€￾

All pretense falls from my voice. I speak from me. “Yeah, I will be.â€￾

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Aurora’s POV:

Oh my god. Its been a good while since I’ve really had a good time. In fact, I don’t think I really every truly felt so free as I do right now. I feel like he’s really listening to what I say and it makes me wanna keep hugging him through, I think I’ve overused the hugging card. He’s really just such a… person. Its refreshing. And hey, its been 3 weeks since I’ve watched TV. He suggested we catch Leno and Conan. I miss Conan. I used to catch it when I had that apartment I was kicked out of a month ago. Oh well.

It was nearly 11:35 and almost time for Leno. I was so just relaxed now. So free. I looked over at him, he has this concentrating expression going on. I notice that a lot when he pays attention to something. It’s kind of cool that I know that and its only been tonight we really met. All those other times seemed like a dream. He catches me staring and I turn my head quickly. I smile and bite my lip, he makes me feel like a stupid little girl. I hear him laugh and feel his arms cover me tightly. I gasp, he surprised me, I like it a little.

He puts his cheek against mine and sighs, “What are you staring at?â€￾

I giggle slightly, “I’m sorry, you were just so into what the TV had to offer I thought I’d lost you for second.â€￾

“I’m sorry, here, we’ll turn it off and I’ll let you stare at me all you want.â€￾ he reaches for the remote but I stop him.

Silly boy. “Don’t. I really don’t care to look at you anyway. Sit down now.â€￾

I wanna swipe the grin he wears, he comes next to me on the floor and hugs me again. He seems to love to hug me, not that I’m complaining but in the past usually when someone had touched me it wasn’t for sentiments.

I lean into him and close my eyes. This has to be a dream, it has to. No one, not in my life has been so vulnerable to me. My tongue wets my lips as I listen to his breathing. Its like a song almost. Almost as if he’s singing. Funny, he doesn’t come off as any Michael Bublé to me.

My hand draws tiny circles upon the back of his hand. I feel so much warmer than I had hours ago. I really hadn’t really laughed like that in so long. I told him his dog was so weird, but I didn’t tell him that I was glad he interrupted us before anything happened. I was in some kind of control. His control and I couldn’t help myself to be honest. His alluring voice didn’t help either. When he kissed my tear streak, I was gone. I knew I was gone. I had wanted him. I really wasn’t in my body anymore it was some other girl. Let’s just call her The Id. The pleasure principle. Something I haven’t considered since I let the world basically run and ruin my life. Pathetic. I guess my theory on the Id is politically incorrect. I’m supposing he’s forgotten all about it. He should, nothing had happened.

He cares about me. It makes me sad and happy to admit it. He doesn’t know my real name and he cares for me. Is that right? Should I tell him who I am. He calls me Julie and I wonder on the day that I had told people what I changed my name to. I was curious if I made a mistake. Julie is not me. I’m Aurora, that’s my name. I’m confused though. Do I want to see him again? Maybe… I should think it thoroughly with thought first. I keep seeing him whenever something bad happens.

“Julie?â€￾ God I wanna kill that name and tell him.

I sit up a little, “Hmm?â€￾

“Are you warm enough?â€￾ his voice is so gentle.

Are you kidding? I got like three layers of oversized sweaters and two arms around me. “Yeah, this feels nice. Are you sure you’re not cold?â€￾

“I’m stealing it all from you. I never get cold.â€￾

“OK, that was queer.â€￾ My eyes shut slowly as cuddle up more.

“No, that was the truth. You feel so warm to me. I’m taking it all.â€￾ I like when he makes lame jokes that make no sense.

I take a couple of moments to ponder what happens tomorrow. I really want to stay here. I want to tell him the truth. Where I stay, I don’t even stay in a house. Do I go back to that or I stay? I stay. I want to stay. But if I stay I run the risk of telling him the truth. Is it so bad he knows that I’m homeless and really don’t know who I am? Does the question answer itself?

“Are you asleep?â€￾

I smirk, “No. Do you want me to be?â€￾

“If you’re tired, you can sleep in my room.â€￾

Sleep? No, I don’t want to sleep. I don’t want this to go away now. I want to be awake the whole night. “No, I wanna stay here, like this, with you.â€￾

“I do too.â€￾ I feel his lips press on my temple and I shiver as I begun to feel the warmth his skin generates on mine.

“I don’t want this night to end… ever. I don’t want to do anything else.â€￾ My emotions take over and I’m left with my heart now.

His lips brush in a straight line up my neck. My eyes grow wide. What am I doing? What is he doing? F uck! I can’t control this now. I have to force myself. I moan. Sh it. No, no moans. Stop it Rose. This is crazy. I moan softly.

“Jus… no no NO stop this. OK, I gotta say something.â€￾ I struggle to get away and succeed but he looks at me with questions. I want to give in, I do. He has to know this.

I’m still connected to his hand as I start to explain myself. I’m so lost, I don’t know what to say at first. I guess thinking about it f ucked it up royally. “I’m not clear on this, I mean I don’t understand what’s happening. Nobody has ever been like this with me. I’m sorry, I’m not together now…â€￾ I feel his arms come around me gingerly. It goes away. It just goes away. My life leaves me.

I can’t stop it now. I shake, dammit. OK, let go. No, don’t. I let go now and stare away.

“It’s OK, I’m fine. What time is it?â€￾ Stupid but I had to do something, this is getting too personal for me.

He clears his throat and rubs his nose looking above me, “It’s like 11:15. Are you hungry we have 20 minutes left?â€￾

Maybe, I could try something. Who am I kidding, I haven’t eaten in almost 2 days. “Um, yeah ok.â€￾

His hand touches my cheek and stand up smiling. I follow behind him and look around me. I don’t have much time to though I’m already in the kitchen. I rub my arms together as I see him shuffling items in the pale pictured fridge.

I hear him groan as he moves containers in the back. I never really understood how some people live with so much food they have to save it in tupperware. If I had every chance I would eat whatever was given to me, well given my lifestyle, I’m forced with no choice.

I watch him shut the door and think with his fingers scratching his forehead. I carefully look at him.

He turns his head to me, biting his lip, “Mind if I get a pizza?â€￾

I nod a smile and speak with a soft tone, “Sure. Anything is good.â€￾

“Cool. I’ll be right back… oh what do you want?â€￾

Jeez, didn’t know my opinion counted so much. “Whatever you like I’ll like.â€￾

I tug at the sweater as he takes in what I said and grabs the stationary phone on the table. I excuse myself as I hear him make the order. His dog suddenly comes out of nowhere and puts his cold, wet nose on my knee. I manage to get a away and sit on the corner of the couch. His nose begins to push my legs and alright I give in. Animals need this much attention I guess.

I bend down a little and start brushing my hand over his golden fur. Its so soft. The semi loud panting is sort of scaring me but it stops as I keep going. Good dog.

I can’t help it, I’ve seen this done with people who had pets and I guess its infectious with me. “Do you always need this much attention? So…â€￾ I surf for some identity and find a mental tag with a name. “Sam, how old are ya?â€￾

“Almost 4. I got him at a flee market in Schenectady when I was living there. He‘s my best friend.â€￾ I hear behind me and jump.

I turn and stand up sort of fast. Head rush, dammit. I take a second to focus and get a good look at him. God, he looked so sexy leaning up against the wall. “Really? I’ve never had pet I guess that’s why I’m so weird around yours. I guess it takes time for them to get used to someone.â€￾

He shakes his head, “No, he usually tells me if he likes someone right off the bat. He likes you.â€￾

I blush, it’s a dog, “Maybe he likes the attention more.â€￾

He laughs at my lame attempt at levity, “Could be both.â€￾ His shoulders shrug as he peals himself off the wall and walks toward me and grabs Sam’s collar.

He does some kind of strange trick with him. I yawn kind of loudly and cover my mouth, blushing again. As he plays with Sam, he looks at me. “I got half pepperoni and half cheese. I can’t make up my mind one thing. Also, I didn’t know if you were a vegan or a vegetarian. Anyway, should be 20 minutes he said.â€￾

I roll my eyes and kneel down, my hands on my knees, “I told its fine.â€￾

“I know, I was just being sure.â€￾ I stare at him a laugh. I can’t help the queer playfulness that he shows.

“You don’t have to be so concerned. I’m really just happy you didn’t slam the door. I’m happy you opened the door. This is New York I almost forgot.â€￾

I look down as he reaches for my hand, “I’m glad I was there. Hey, do you wanna see something?â€￾

“OK.â€￾ I get up and we walk to his room.

I couldn’t stop rubbing my shoulders. Maybe I’m hot. He goes to his closet and clicks on the light. He pulls out a rebek shoe box and opens it up. I look around his and notice how empty it really is. Granted he’s not gay so style is something the heteros obsess over as much. He had a bookcase stored sort of slum-like with a bunch of fiction and non-fiction works. Some were old ones and new editions. I wonder, had he read all the books? I love reading. Being someone else for a change. Similar to being in the theater. The life you lead when you read is not you. Its better than you. It’s Pleasantville. No interruptions. No deterring. Its nearly heaven or something just like it.

“Julie?â€￾ I turn around, he has a CD case in his hand.

I gesture to it, “What is it?â€￾

He takes my hand and we sit on his bed. He’s quiet for moment. Almost as if he’s remembering something meaningful. He shows it to me now.

“I got this two years ago when I met him and it’s the only thing I have that has meant any importance to me. Lame but its true.â€￾

I trace his possession and smile. Stuff like this makes me happy. Just one simple material can change someone’s life. I had barely heard of the vocalist but I’d heard talk he’s got an amazing talent.

“You think its stupid too. I guess you can call it a good luck charm for my life. Though, lately, haven’t received much luck.â€￾ He shouldn’t talk like that.

I shake my head slightly, negating his words, “I disagree. I think this is great to have. Is he any good?â€￾

He looks at me oddly, “You’ve never heard him before?â€￾

I blush pathetically, its hard to listen to music when you’ve had less than 7 CDs in your life. All of which were damaged. Music was really devoid in my life. “I heard of him but I never heard his voice.â€￾

He laughs, I ease when he does this. “I can’t believe you’re never heard of him. You’ve gotta be living under a rock or something.â€￾

Joke, yes, but still… Well, the bed in the studio feels like one. I guess I live on the rock rather than under it. Professional liars, raise your hand? Eh, guilty is me, or rather, me and everyone.

I shrug a bit, “What’s so great about him anyway?â€￾

He gets up and starts to throw his arms outward weirdly. I squint questions. “You’ve gotta be kidding girl. Julie, Al Green. Al Green. The man can do no wrong. I worship the guy. His voice is just GOD! I mean Reverend Al Green Julie. You know what I’m saying?â€￾

I felt like I was put on the spot big time. I said what I usually say when I’m this nervous.

“So, basically you’re telling me you are gay or you collect Jesus stickers. Which is it?â€￾

He grins and sits down next to me. “Neither. Just listen to his voice.â€￾

He gets up again and goes to his stereo to play the disc. I hear beginning cords and watch as a cop tries to move like he’s Usher or something. Not bad, but still, its too funny. I hold back no longer. I laugh through my hand covering my mouth. Dammit, he saw me. Oh no, he might pull me with him. sh**, no I can’t dance.

“Oh Julie, your turn. Come on, get up here.â€￾ he doesn’t even give me a chance to answer he just pulls me up and takes my hands.

I just stand there. Here I was, laughing at him a second ago when I can’t even find appealing rhythm myself.

“Justin I can’t do this.â€￾ I whine.

My eyes grow out as I feel him hold me closer to him and turns to my ear. “I, I’m so in love with you. Whatever you want me to. Is alright with me. I wanna spend my life loving you.â€￾ He sings. I smile at his efforts.

“Justin.â€￾ God, I should really shut up now. I feel so grateful. Is this what it means when they say be free?

I moan out while he starts tickling me with more words I’ve dreamed someone world say to me. Its almost like the song is written now.

If its possible, he pulls me closer.

Loving you whether, whether
Times are good or bad happy or sad
Times are good or bad happy or sad


Something inside me was bad. It was saying that I should stop, think and don’t let anything happen. I’m so sick of putting up with that voice. I make a promise to get rid of it.

Problem. I’ve had it too long and I’m too weak to fight it.

Let‘s stay together
Let‘s stay together


I push myself off swiftly and jam off the music. I hate this song. I hate it and hate it more. My back is turned and I was fuming.

“You know, this isn’t life, this isn’t what it is. I don’t know why you believe in something like this. Staying together. What a crock.â€￾ I scoff, the moment’s officially killed thanks to moi.

He cups my face gently, “Why don’t you believe in that? Are you just scared again?â€￾

I roll my eyes. Now we’re back to this again. I remove his hands, his touches are a tad too personal.

I don’t know what to say and I’m finding it hard to put into words. I take a breath, I wonder why any of this has got this far. How I got here, what I’m doing.

“This is the world I know Justin. This is what I grew up knowing. I’m OK with that.â€￾

He takes big step forward and I step back. This is the third time now, oh god, memories… of… foster parents. I wasn’t exactly taking crap back then from anyone and I would get in big trouble for speaking my mind. I just got more hurt. I step back further. Oh no.

I feel his breath on my face as he moves closer. He breathes in a fluid motion. I bravely open my eyes, its different. He’s not going to hit me, its clear.

“I’m not OK with it. Believing in friendship is the best thing in the world.â€￾ I want to go to sleep just on his voice. Seriously, what does he know?

“It’s not that easy to do. You talk like you’re in some sick obsession with that notion. Quit trying to push what’s best on me, I’m fine I told you that.â€￾ I suddenly find myself backed against the wall once again.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you. But, its not the worst thing to not be alone. No offense, but, without knowing you, I already know you are alone and you hate it. It’s painful, right? Carrying that with you everyday, feeling like you don’t have a place or even a home to feel warm in again.

OK, now the loser‘s ripping off Eddie Murphy. “You don’t know you only assume that is true.â€￾

He tilts his head, I almost think he looks past me. He smiles simply. “Assuming and knowing are two different things. I bite knowing better than assumptions.â€￾

“It doesn’t mean anything to me.â€￾

“I think it does. Actually, I know it does. Beauty is the truth here, I look in your eyes and I know, I don’t even think, I know your beautiful.â€￾

I laugh more as our stares move. It’s a joke, no big deal. But now, sadly, it changes… I think my feelings tell me to escalate, with him. My nose touches his. I almost pause but keep going, the gap growing smaller and smaller. God, my first real kiss!

We break though on account of his doorbell. End scene.</span>

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Postby whatchagot4meMRJT » Mon Feb 14, 2005 8:32 am

:clap: A night of laughing and feeling free ... sounds like good medicine to me. :nod: Julie does have to tell him about her real name, though. If they're going to be good friends, they have to start with honesty. There's still a lot that they haven't worked up the nerve to share yet, but that takes time.

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Postby Mariah111384 » Fri Mar 11, 2005 11:58 am

for anyone still reading... im gonna update soon :D

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Postby Mariah111384 » Wed Mar 16, 2005 5:04 pm

<span style='color:blue'>Chapter 12: Make Over

Justin's POV:

Heaven.

I've heard the many stories. I don't believe anything compares to how changed this night has become. It started off with visible pain and somehow, continued with life. Life did happen and it happened when she cried on my doorstep. I can’t stop touching her, and every time I resist it. It’s as if an addiction serum had injected itself into my emotions and I can’t get enough. I really can’t stop looking at her. She just… she keeps licking her lips out of politeness and the tomato sauce that somehow finds its way.

I think I’ve made a mistake tonight. I should’ve done it before, despite being consistently deterred from getting there. I don’t try to stop myself from thinking about it. I should have kissed her when I had the chance. Though, knowing me, those strangled thoughts will just continue onward so I will close it for the time being.

I watch her lay on her stomach, looking out as the night plays. Her long brown locks are swiped on her right shoulder as she begins twirling the wet bundle strip. I remain adjacent on her left while we catch Leno’s Monologue.

She’s been quiet for a while now. I’m starting to miss her voice. I decide to purposely pester her by blocking her attention from the screen laying in front of her. She at first looks to the ceiling, than down a little.

“Yes?â€￾ Like I’m bothering her or something.

I smile, “Nothing, so how are ya doing? You still hungry?â€￾

I see her blush a little, she averts her eyes back on the screen. “I’m good, thank you.â€￾

She tucks her lips in such a sexy manner, it drives me in lucid fixtures I can’t seem to control. I wanna reach out to her again… just to be sure. I never know what she’s thinking. “Can I ask you something?â€￾

I move on my elbows as her eyes plant their attention onto me. “Yeah?â€￾

You ever have one of those moments where you’ve had the question and than one minute, it vanishes? Damn, what was it again? Oh yeah… “Would you like some tea or something? Are you sure you’re warm enough?â€￾

She pegs a shy slightly, I won’t make her look at me I just wish I knew the real reason why she doesn’t. She still doesn’t know how to trust me fully yet. I don’t know what I should do. She rests her cheek on her crossed arms, “I’m fine.â€￾

I frown. She doesn’t say very much… suppose its me? Well, who else? It’s kind of sad. Its one of those “so close but so far awayâ€￾ thingymabobbers. Hmm interesting… “You know what I was thinking?â€￾

I silently breathe out, “What were you thinking?â€￾

“Not just one thing. A lot of stuff. Like how life sometimes is just one big mystery. Like it isn’t supposed to be satisfied or anything. Its vague.â€￾

I don’t know where to build from that. I wonder, “Are you trying to find answers or, I mean… What makes you think certain things can’t happen? If this is making any sense to you.â€￾

She shakes her head siding with some confusing ideals I don’t familiar with. Sitting up and crossing her legs in Indian style, she leans on the palm of her hand, “Its not that I believe everything gets worse, its just… I don’t know. Talking about any issue seems weird a little bit.â€￾

“No, its not. Believe it or not what you say matters.â€￾
It really does. More than she knows.

She rolls her neck cracking the silent muscles. Her head stays titled, in though. Her eyes don’t move, she smirks in a meek manner. “I really can’t explain it even if I wanted to tell you. Its not just one thing you know? it’s a whole slue of events crushed all in one f***ed up reject.â€￾

I hold her hand. I can’t believe what she’s saying. The girl I saw laughing before, she was there, she still is here. I’m holding her hand. My thumb slowly traces her skin. I wanna say something but I am interrupted.

She pauses, and looks in my direction. The hazel of her eyes corner me like I owe her some explanation. “I wanna be happy.â€￾

The statement that poets often find themselves repeating everyday. Was she the poet. I wanna know her life so much. Ugh, why is life so damn complex. I wish I could know her.

“How come you never talk?â€￾ she whispers.

I realize I’m still on my elbows and achingly elevate myself off the floor. “Well, I can tell you whatever you want to know?â€￾

She sinks and pulls her knees to her chest. “What makes you happiest?â€￾

I didn’t even have to think. “Knowing everyone I love is safe.â€￾

She shakes her head profusely, “No, I mean, for you? What brings you to life when you’re doing it?â€￾

I turn my back on the question. I sort of refuse to answer it. But… something about her jolts me to break the habit. The words are the song and strings of my life, “Loving someone. Showing them who I am and not faking my feelings for anything.â€￾

I close my eyes, my honesty has scared her I think. I knew it, I was being selfish. My eyes open and she’s closer now. I can feel her breath, its warm wings flutter and paint my cheek soundlessly. She’s not afraid anymore.

She swallows and takes another breath, “I’d give my life to have at least one person really love me and mean it.â€￾

“What about your family? There has to be someone… For some reason I was convincing myself more than her.â€￾ I stop as she gets closer and shakes her head.

“There is no one.â€￾ She says without a voice. It doesn’t even belong to her. Where did she go?

I blink, her face is getting closer. I don’t move. “No, there is someone.â€￾

“Who? No one loves me. No one ever did. â€￾ I hate hearing her talking like that.

I was leaning against the wall. She had me strained still. “Julie, you shouldn’t think you are alone. You have me.â€￾

Her eyes scanned my face in patient pace. She takes her time. I notice her movements remain so slow. “No, you belong to someone else.â€￾

I well -- I did, but no, not anymore. I don’t love Jenna. “I belong to you.â€￾

I have no idea who said that but it came from my lips. I’m talking like a man losing his mind. Someone in a spacious unconscious dream. I can’t snap away. Everything that is happening is unheard of.

She smiles, wow... She smiles. I’m really in this moment. She’s happy. I stumble. Losing myself for a second. I clear my throat.

She shies her face away again. Almost getting rid of my comment. “This only happens in those 50s movies. I feel like this is dream. People don’t talk that way.â€￾
What makes her think that up? “Why not? Life can be that way. It doesn’t have to be perfect its just…â€￾

“I didn’t say that, Justin. Its just weird to hear it. I mean last I checked my life hasn’t gone this path. It’s just ugh! I can’t really describe it. Its not just one thing. You wanna know something?â€￾

I bite my lip unknowingly but I welcome her to continue, “What’s that?â€￾

Suddenly, she moves away once again. She still looks anywhere but my eyes. Like I had venom spewing out I don’t know. She moves her position to sit against the wall.

“I just been wondering what life would be like if I hadn’t born the way I was. If I had had a reasonably surviving childhood. I mean, hey, I don’t want to bother you with that stuff…â€￾

“No you’re not. Really, you never bother me when you talk about anything. I know how you feel more than you know.â€￾

She’s silent again. It bothers me a lot. I can’t seem to understand her yet unless she lets me. “There’s too much to know. Its so confusing. Always, my life has been this big swirl mess over and over. You know, at the same time, here I am… Right here, and this isn’t the part that I’m getting. It’s trivial. Who knew at this moment I’d wearing your clothes, staying somewhere where I wasn’t even invited into, wasting your time like this. I really honestly think that I shouldn’t have come here. But I don’t... I-I can’t think about this anymore.â€￾

I watch as she falls down on her back and covers her eyes with her arms. I need to get rid of wanting to touch her fast. That’s not what she needs. I pushed it too far I knew it. I blew it.

“Please don’t be afraid of me. I don’t think I can take so much as I did tonight. I know I seem like a supreme f*** up.â€￾

Alright, I’m too tired of this already. I don’t care anymore, I move my body toward her and remove her arms slowly from concealing her face. I take them and play with them a bit.

“Don’t make it seem like its doomsday. The fact that you’re still living is reason enough not to say that. Why do you bring yourself down so much?â€￾

I wanna give her some space to answer, I figure I could maybe use that to find out more things. She scoffs and pick up her head as I let go. She gives me a weird look.

“I don’t do that.â€￾ And that was it. Excuse me?

I push my lips together, “Do you love yourself? I mean, do you believe in yourself?â€￾

Quiet again. Well maybe I should give it time. I’m always so damn impatient.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. No offense, why do you want to know?â€￾ Her toned seemed of something painful, like she wanted to say more.

I scratch my head, gradually but not completely giving up, “I think its pretty clear. Why are you so negative? I’ve never met anyone more depressed than me to tell you the truth.â€￾

I know that gruff sigh, its one I remember my mom gets when I did something wrong. She gets up and starts pacing, “Is that supposed to be funny? What do you want to know? What? I’m sad? What is it? Are you so
thrilled to find out the miserable details that is my life. If you can call it that. Trust me, you don’t even know the basics.â€￾

I stand up trying to keep her still but I’m finding it very hard with all stuttering motions. “Why don’t you tell me than? I can’t do anything unless you let me in. Why is that so hard? What bothers you? Julie, come on, you-â€￾

“Don’t call me that! You don’t even know who I am! You don’t.â€￾ She screamed in my face but it still didn’t pass me.

My eyes narrow, what’s she talking about? “What?â€￾

She weakly dismisses my query, “Nothing.â€￾

No, its not. I grab her arm, seriously, she’s acting odd. “No, what is it? What do you mean? Why can’t I call you Jul-â€￾

“Just drop it.â€￾ I keep the grip steady without hurting her.

My face softens. This isn’t working. Getting angry doesn’t change anything usually. “This doesn’t have to be this way you know? You can tell me. What do you mean I don’t know who you are. What? What do you mean?â€￾

“Forget it. Just, can we not do this? There are some things I can’t tell people. How would you like it if I asked you a private question? Huh? I can’t do this
with you.â€￾

Suddenly I find an infinity of questions were pestering in my confused mind. She’s sending me all these weird signals and I feel like screaming the one question I wanna know the answer to.

I look at her, she wipes her eye with her fingers and turns around again. I wanna touch her so badly now but I hold myself, its not gonna matter. She’s confused me too much and I can’t will her to tell me if she doesn’t want to.

“I…â€￾ she stops, “I’m sorry, its nothing you could understand really. No one has really cared that hard.â€￾

“You’re wrong. I care more. Please, why can’t you answer my question? What’s wrong really?â€￾

It was pulling teeth getting and waiting for the answers. She sure took her sweet time.

“My life is full of bad sh** and I don’t wanna really tell anyone. It doesn’t make me feel like the weight is lifted. Its always been there. No one wants to help really. And they can’t.â€￾

I draw more blanks. OK, I don’t mean to sound rude but she has to make sense and just tell me something. “I promise I’ll do my best. Come here.â€￾

Her head slowly pans my way, I am heartbroken with those eyes. Darker than cinder, she comes toward me warily. She comes close enough and rests her vision on my face.

My arms don’t wait another second as they blanket her frame with small ease. “Why do you d-â€￾

I shush her softly, I know that voice. It isn’t always about being severely emotional but I can’t help myself. I really wanna do this. I really do want to take care of her. My hands stroke her chestnut locks patiently. I take my time. Everything I thought before, hadn’t mattered. Nothing matters but her. She needs someone. She needs me.

I feel her shake rapidly and hear augmented muffles until she whines a cry. I keep hugging onto her. I don’t want to let her go. Not now. Not when she’s stripped. I have no concerns with knowing what she meant before. It was all past me. She strips herself and I fold into her. I try not complicate things but talking. No. It has to be just this. Things are changing. She gains my friendship, everything dissipates.

As I hold her, I get punctured with a cursory itch. She’s right at least about one thing. Debility travel s in my veins. I’m so petrified. Half of me wants this, and... its too deprecated. I think I have to know something now. Something’s going... I have to ask.

“Tell me something real. Say something.â€￾ I just realized how annoying that sounded but I had managed to reserve some sanity of my thoughts or else I start to diffuse rapidly. Maybe its conceded or something, not quite sure.

She unwrapes from my embrace and hugs her shoulders. “I want to so much...â€￾
I pause, meticulous over my next move. I don’t know really how to place that. Bundles of questions come to but I refute to bother. I listen closely. She wants to is what my heart smiles on. I smile, its there, and also, why not? She’s unclear to me again. Why doesn’t she?

“Really, believe it or not I won’t treat it like its sh**. I know how it feels to not have a friend. To feel alone. What it feels like when you think the is completely against you. What do you sa-â€￾

And that was it. That was the secret. The soft song playing. It was truthful, rough, spirited. It breathed empty life within different entities that were demolished by the world. The world is hard. The world is strange. I believe sometimes though, the world can be real. Fantastically coereographed and just honestly fit. Nothing could pass my mind. It was still there. I’m glad it happened now. Were things such as feelings possible? No really, was life, can life become something I could really welcome for once? Time is ugly and I’ve grown over my years to detest its purpose. I can’t change it dammit. I only have to be in it. You know they say stuff like this only happens in fiction but, I’m not so sure.

Maybe it can.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Aurora’s POV

He doesn’t know my name! Why? Why can’t I just tell him? Here I am, lips upon the softest masculine texture known to humans and I am distracted by the fact that I am not loyal. I’m a big fact liar. No, I can’t do this! I can’t. My lips break from his and I stand up getting a hold of myself.

I just kissed a cop. Holy f***. What the sh** did I start now? I kissed him and I’m not sorry I did. Usually when I touch a guy, I feel like the lowest form of bile only cuz I let it happen. But no. I’m not used to this treatment. I still can’t believe I f***ing kissed him.

My thoughts are skewed beyond repair. I am stunned. Relieved. Strong? Passionate? OK, that was weird. Why did I pull away? Dammit.

“Julie...â€￾ No not that. It proves how little you know.

The telephone rings. I breathe a sigh. I jump when I feel his hands grip my shoulders gently. “I’ll be right back. Sorry...â€￾

I see him scurry off toward his cell on the table. “Timberlake? Oh um...â€￾

I stopped listening after that. I felt horrid enough. God, I sat myself on the corner of the couch and covered my eyes with my dirty hands. I felt unkempt. More than unstable. I couldn’t stand. My first kiss. I couldn’t think. First kiss. Couldn’t focus. First kiss. I did it. First kiss. Its my fault. I pulled from my first kiss. Can’t fathom my reaction to it. I was confused. Not sure when or where I was.

I listened to him speak, and that was it. I kissed him in mid sentence because... sh**. UGH! Does the question have the answer? I don’t know.

It was earth shattering. I hate myself but I love what I got from the gesture. I kissed him. I still feel alone. I kissed him. Some benevolent spirit sighs in those moments. I wanna do it again. Do I? Take a risk? Live for once. Live for yourself. You keep saying you’re not afraid. Prove it moron. That’s right.

My eyes are black and I don’t know what has happened but that kiss wasn’t me. It was better. I felt... amazing. His lips. That day I stared. My fingers sweep gingerly once where he perched. I was molded by... me.
</span>

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Postby whatchagot4meMRJT » Thu Mar 17, 2005 10:01 am

Ahh, I want her to tell him her name. Even though it seems like something so minor compared to her other issues, it really isn't. A name is very important. I want Justin to know her real identity. I guess I'm just looking for them to be able to be real with one another, whatever that means.

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Postby Mariah111384 » Tue Apr 05, 2005 1:17 pm

<span style='color:blue'>Chapter 13: Cruz

Justin’s POV

I just got off the phone with the person I really didn’t want to delve into. Jenna claimed she needed to come have a “serious talkâ€￾ about “serious issuesâ€￾ or whatever. I, being the gracious soul, concurred sadly but also there was also some part of me that cared swayingly. Deep deep down of course.

My breath comes restored anew and my attention turns around and peaks into the compact TV room. I reveal myself finally and step out; she’s asleep. Well, from the angle. I walk closer, she move, I still myself. I move closer to perceive more innocence. Just one look, its enough to know. The way she acts, its nothing in measure with the person I see now. She wanted peace, she won that wish. Something about her... Something concealed. Buried within depths of uncherished reality.

My tongue glides to wetten my lips, I think I know what to do. I can’t imagine what kind of life she leads. Maybe its why she won’t explain the little things.

Her breathing bathes her in a silky, soft pearl intensity. Her lashes repose upon tear lines and I stare away. Nakedly, I whisk over and get my nerve to pick her up. I was careful, she was still sleeping. I refrain from staring too much for I need to just continue with the task of my room, the bed, her securely inside. I pick her up in my arms. Her porcelain like hands rest on her stomach blindly.

Through stained pains I see, its something I could never embody. I honestly don’t know anything about the girl I carry in my arms yet I feel its something that grabs my attention against my will. She makes me want to know her. Tragic, to me, mainly because lately my care for people has withered since I earned my badge. I changed and I never liked it. I give up and find my room. My eyes land on my bed with the crease of the made cover folded.

I realize her face is something that shouldn’t concern me. I just want her to sleep now so I slip her gently under the cream colored sheets, pushing her body ever so slightly deeper inside. I fold the comforter over the rest of her. I finish and stand up. I figure leaving the room will clear some things for a bit. Wrong.

“No.â€￾ God, I had never wanted to cry more.

My hand is held. I still, its over. Is it? Can I turn myself around? No, not yet. “What?â€￾

“Stay. Please, stay with me.â€￾ I gulp, not knowing much.

I think I’m turning around. My feet make the pivot and I don’t understand. I stumble, unsure. I look into the ebony gaze that held me since that day... She wants me to stay. My eyes search her face. She holds my hand and never strays my look. Her eyes shake about like some hypnotic creature.

I inhale sharply and take a sit toward the end of the bed as she sits up with me. MY other hand covers on top of hers and I shift a little. Nervous? Kind of. "So I guess I'll sleep--"

Her_fingers feather my lips and my eyes close, "Would you stay with me? Inside here... I can't be alone now."

Is this what they're telling me when they say its "actually happening"? Seriously, someone pinch me. "I'm not going anywhere. I just need a second. Can you wait?"

She frowns and I feel her grip me tighter, "You're coming back?"

I have to smile on this, "Yes," I'm pausing to kiss the top of her hand twice, "I promise. I won't leave you tonight."

She nods_and_takes a breath, "OK."

That's my cue as I make my way to the bathroom, keeping my fear inside. "OK."

I slowly let go of clinging and breathe in while nearly jumping to the bathroom. I had to brush my teeth first I knew. Right, I grab my toothbrush and squeeze some crest onto it. I start my process as I begin to ponder.

I finish sloppily barely putting thing away. All the stuff was forgotten as I turned the door and saw... her eyes. They were, sad. But, oh god, my body can't move. She moves out of the covers, I'm still unceasing.

She tucks her knees under her and bites her lip. The first thing I noticed was her shaking. God no, I remove my jacket and set it behind me onto the hamper. I can't take it anymore I push myself to hold her. She jumps and screams. I smooth her hair and kiss the side of her face.

"Justin?"

"Yes?"

"Don't make me forget this. Any of this."

I look her strongly, "Forget this? Julie?"

I observe her wiping a sift salty emotion falling, "Don't let me forget this." She breathes and looks up, "Kiss me."

I oblige gently. My face calmly moves closer 'til my destination, I reach. I still haven't a clue what I'm doing exactly, I'm only following her. What is is she doing? She's moving kind of fast. I feel her reach lower on my body. Fingers fiddle with the zipper, I want it too but not like this. Jeez, I can't handle this. I'm no sure what to do now, she's becoming aggressive.

"...mhmm, Jul..." This is just impossible to do.

She moves her lips onto my neck and that was it. It can’t go any longer. I have to be careful, “Ju-Julie wait a second... oh ok... wait. Can you ok...â€￾

“What’s wrong?â€￾ Not really stopping only binding on her gestures furthermore.

“Can I ask you something...?â€￾ I’m hoping something will work.

I feel her slow in a minimal but still fervently burning. Almost combusting. “What is it?â€￾

I wanna slow her down now cuz its getting to that point. I have to make sure. “Is this what you want?â€￾

And that’s when she lifts her head to face me. “Isn’t this what we want?â€￾

I can’t mention Jenna. I refuse to let anything lead up to that but man, this feeling, I can’t lose it. I’m falling somewhere I don’t know. “Yes, I want this, I was making sure it was what you wanted?â€￾

She kisses me slightly, she stops turns away. She still can’t look at me. Give it time. You barely know her. Hmm, interesting… She turns around, eyes more certain than I’d imagined. “I don’t do things if its not what I wanted. Don‘t you?â€￾

OK, now I’m thinking, do I? A second ago I did. God I wanted it. Now, OK I’m steered away. I’m an idiot. Sh it. I was leaning on my elbows and now it started to smart. I had to sit up a little, she was still on top. I couldn’t move her yet. Not yet. OK, now, I tried gathering what can with what I know. “Honestly? And please I’m sorry if you’re upset with this but I feel strange doing this. If I do this it wouldn’t be right to either of us. I literally got out of a bad relationship and…â€￾ I couldn’t finish.

Man, her face. If only I can explain it. She swallows, her breathing erratic, a little confused. “I’m sorry. I had no idea. You’re right, y-you’re right. I’m just, wow OK. OK.â€￾

She moves off me, I softly touch her shoulder. “Are you alright?â€￾

She doesn’t even bother to peek at me but nods, “Uhuh.â€￾ she moves off the bed and heads for the bathroom.

I figure she needs to have some time. I collapse onto the covers. I cover my face, listening to the sink run. I definitely need to just leave her alone. I broke up with Jenna today, too much in the last 10 hours for anyone to deal. I still gonna stay with her, push everything else away and focus on her.

My eye lids close, the sink shuts off abruptly which had awoken me upright. My eyes stay on the door that’s not moving. I let out the breath I was holding when she came out, almost out of a dream.

She doesn’t say anything only moves her body kind of oddly toward the right side of the bed. She sits on the side and pulls her legs in. I suddenly get the urge to do something. I do.

I try and speech instead. “Everything OK?â€￾

She licks her lips finding some spot on the ground that’s safe heaven for her to look at, “Mhmm.â€￾

I can do nothing now. I sigh, why? OK, what is going on? Dammit. It’s my fault.

“If I tell you this, it won’t make a difference. I’m not like everyone else. I’m not like this with anyone. I don’t normally rely on people. I’m sorry you didn’t want to kiss me before, I guess I read it wrong; like everything else.â€￾ Her eyes glance to me, “I’m not gonna say I’m sorry for doing it because it was what I wanted. Its always me that starts everything anyway.â€￾

A word caught my ear, “Starts?â€￾

“You were my first kiss.â€￾ I barely heard her utter, I had to know really.


“Are you serious?â€￾ I couldn’t stop staring at her. How beautiful she looks, doesn‘t make sense.

“Yeah,â€￾ she nods carefully, “Quite embarrassing. Not so much though.â€￾

“Why is that?â€￾

Silence. I feel her reach my hand, strangely positioning it over her chest. “Its yours.â€￾

I knew exactly what to say to her. I feel like everything is slow, but I still knew. She had given me her first kiss, interesting… “May I be the first man to kiss you?â€￾

She’s moving closer. I slightly heard her “yesâ€￾. I was too soft to concentrate for. I still respected her privacy, I wanted her to answer before I do this.

She didn’t move her spot and I just f ucking went for it. I keep missing the feeling of her lips on mine, this time, I’m taking full advantage of this.

“…mm Justin, you don’t have to. Really.â€￾

My fingers quiet her lips. God, I can’t wait any longer. She’s so soft. “I really want to. Please let me do this.â€￾

She licks those lips. I’m so close, I’m going to do this. I cover my mouth on hers very lightly, almost as if I’m not touching her. I know I am.

I feel take a second to respond, placing gentle pressure. My hand stays onto her cheek, gladly. She pulls herself from me and backs up.

“I’m tired.â€￾ she says plainly.

I sort of side. It has been a long a ss day. Maybe tomorrow things will change. I nod my head without a word, “Yeah, OK, well maybe we should both rest. Do you still want me to stay with you?â€￾

She shakes her head nervously, “It’s fine.â€￾ She moves her body into the covers and lays down, eyes open only. She’s quiet. Her stare searches on me, “I can’t say enough for what you’ve done for me tonight. Thank you so much.â€￾

I’m still on the bed as I smile to myself. I could resist. I kissed her forehead boldly, following her eyes with mine. We still each other. I don’t wish to leave… unless she wants me to. “Goodnight Julie.â€￾

Her eyes grow heavy, kind of funny. “ ‘Night Justin.â€￾

I laugh and get up, hopefully heading over to the couch without fretting over everything. The weird thing is… I don’t feel like doing it right now. I feel like closing my eyes and escaping. Yeah, sounds promising.

I turn around though. I had to. One last look before I close my eyes. I click the picture of her in my vision. I could never forget someone like her. Never. Etta James, eat your heart out. At last, I don’t feel so ordinary.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Aurora’s POV

My back f ucking hurts. In fact, everything really hurts. Why? I moan out softly really trying to open my eyes. I fight with the pain coercing. Maybe if I try and sit up it’ll cease. My eyes suddenly flop open, I need some time I’m f ucking freezing here. Freezing? Let’s see, last night I was wearing Alaska wardrobe so what the hell? I touch my body, skin, skin, more SKIN. ALL SKIN! Oh god. No…

My breathing builds faster, my eyes look about ready to protrude out of my sockets. Why am I naked? Did we? Is, oh no.

I glance through my left, my head turns slowly. A body. All I could feel is cold. F uck the Brooklyn cold. I never slept naked ever. I always had clothes on. I’m practically stilled. I cannot budge. Inside screaming. GAH!

OK, now, what do I remember? There was no drinking I know that much, but last night SO much had happened, its difficult to place what happened first.

So, my eyes close, no drinking. Check. No clothes. Check. F ucking cold as a mother f ucker. Hells yeah check. F uck, I’m getting lost. OK, just calm down and think. What really happened? Raining, banging on door, Justin answered, ok that much is good… er well, not the rain and the almost dying part. So after Justin answered, what else? Pizza? Really? I haven’t had pizza in a long time. It was good. Pepperoni, cheese, it was good. OK, Jay Leno, Conan, and kissing, arguing, kissing. I remember kissing him, being burned all my life I needed to feel that. Sh it, OK, confused again. Kissing… yeah zipper? I remember I was sort in this mood and I didn’t care. I wanted to know what it felt like if anything would happen. Pretty selfish but hey, why sh it with the life I lead? I’m sick of getting trashed around.

But how did I get here if I do remember him stopping me? How? F uck, why am I crying? I swipe the emotions but no they won’t stop. Why am I doing this? I don’t cry ever. Nobody can see this. I feel warm, a hand touches my cheek, warmly. I’m scared, we actually did it and now he’s touching me. What have I done?

“Good morning. Are you OK?â€￾ Can he STOP asking that already?!

I turn my back to him which sort of smacks his hand away. I’m in one of those instances where I wanna click my heels and have it all be a great dream. This wasn’t part of the whole not dying plan. Being in his house, falling in this trap. Now I gotta break. Just gotta figure out a way to get my clothes without freezing more than I already am.

“I didn’t plan any of this, I won’t ignore it at the same time. I understand you being like this, but please, I didn’t plan anything last night. I wasn’t trying to do this.â€￾

Is this guy kidding the sh it out of me? “How do I know that? For all I know, this could be another… you’re a cop. I really don’t wanna talk about this.â€￾

I hear him sigh, but its not in frustration, what does he have to prove? I wasn’t gonna stay forever. I still live in the studio. Nothing has changed. Nothing. This is like one of those long a ss soap opera story lines.

Bring on the overacting. ACTION!

I still couldn’t move. This cold is starting to really get to me. Why did I sleep with him?

“I’ll be right back.â€￾ He started to shift off the bed abruptly.

What am I supposed to say to that? I didn’t. I pulled the covers over me and shivered. Why do I do this to myself? The second I bring hope its demolished and what good will that do to me? I obsess on getting breaks, finding answers and I always end wrong. I don’t know why. I never know why.

I sit up against the back of the wall. The semi warm pillow eases my cold wounds as I bundle myself. The air right now is so dense that I find it extremely difficult to breathe. I wanna say so much yet I remain shut. I really wanna tell my stories, be closer, trust even. I wanna do all those things but how? How do you up and trust a stranger? How does anyone make friends? What do I have to do to make people or someone really know me without having to censor the important pieces? The ones that I think but never say.

How do I go and do this? It was so much easier living on my own, by myself. Even though I stole, I did end up getting away ok. Except when this guy… he caught me and let me go. Cops in New York, let alone West Brooklyn, don’t have hearts. He let me go, he’s keeping me here. I am in a cage. He’s making this so hard for me. I belong to me. This was never permanent. He doesn’t know my name. He f ucked me and I remain a s lut. That’s what it was, just satisfying f uck. Can’t believe I’m not a virgin anymore.

He comes out in a wife beater and boxers. Uh… should I look the other way? I’m still naked. I need my clothes. I don’t want him to see me like this.

I sit upright, my lips tight and angry. I need to get out of here. Easier said.

He comes out in a wife beater and boxers. Uh… should I look the other way? I’m still naked. I need my clothes. I don’t want him to see me like this.

I sit upright, my lips tight and angry. I need to get out of here. Easier said.

I ground my teeth harshly, “I need my clothes.â€￾

Groaning, he’s tries to separate the colors from whites, “Here, I’ll get you some. They’re still drying.â€￾

Not good enough. Need to get out now. “I need them now.â€￾ He’s ignoring me. He was suddenly rummaging in the dresser.

I’m so cold. I need something now. I get into the covers more, this isn’t working. It seems like colder is winning over the covers. Sh it. I feel the bed shift and sit up almost freaking him. Well, he scared me first.

“What are you doing?â€￾

“Here, these are some of my things.â€￾ He hands me sweats and boxers.

I cover my naked front securely, though it would really make a difference. I shake my head, I don’t want his clothes, I want mine. “Stop this! I need my clothes right now. This whole thing was a set back.â€￾

He looks at me as if I had punched him in the gut, “Why do you say that?â€￾

All this is so freaking amusing, “I’m leaving OK? Why is that so hard to understand? I wasn’t going to do this, I didn’t want to do this, I don’t know why I’m still here.â€￾

It seemed he was really listening to me. A rarity in my world. Spit it out already. “I want you to stay with me. I really do. Can you at least shower and I’ll make breakfast. Please. I’m not trying to keep you here, just, please stay for the morning?â€￾

I’m not known for my gullibility antics, growing or rather teaching myself life pretty much didn’t leave me much to grasp on as far as concept truth and fallacy. I find myself sighing, cold as f uck, undecided. I felt alone again. Someone’s next to me and it makes me touch alone’s spirit. I wish I could visit that place where I don’t have to make a choice, I can just stay. Did he just ask me that? Stay?

“I can’t, I have to... I can’t.â€￾

He touched my cheek, again, letting him. I was warmer, my cold cheek scares it maybe,“At least put on the clothes, I’ll give you your clothes soon and drive you where you live.â€￾

What ravages of spirit
Conjured this temptuous rage
Created you a monster


No. Don’t do that. Sh it, why did he have to wake up? I was still cold, “Alright, but I’m not staying.â€￾

He laughs, and what is so funny? “Yes, you established not staying already. Here, I’ll be in the kitchen if you need me.â€￾

I grow an idea. Sh it. I’m trapped. I guess I have to...

I stop him from leaving, I pause, forgetting myself, I look at him remembering, “Not everything is obvious.â€￾ I reach for his lips, kissing him harder than I had yesterday. Obviously all caution doesn’t deter my confidence.

Broken by the rules of love
And fate has lead you through it
You do what you have to do


I wanted to remember his touch. His life in his feelings. How he made me feel so real. Like someone in a grandiose creative painting.

And I have the sense to recognize that
I don't know how to let you go
Every moment marked
With apparitions of your soul


Their eyes, you feel like so transparent, it symbolizes the very part of why you keep moving.

I'm ever swiftly moving
trying to escape this desire
the yearning to be near you


Soul touching lips, turning shades in crimson beyond capability of omnitient infinities. It keeps you replenished.

I do what I have to do
The yearning to be near you


Washing in some crystal faced beauty you only find within stories of harmonious fairtales. Something concocted with the advice of Walt Disney or some wondrous storyteller who gave up telling tales for a reason unknown.

The more I think about the more I believe it. I really do. I find myself falling and plummeting toward... I don’t know. But I don’t care. If I was cold before, none of it comes to surface now. Deeply, I am flushed with passion.

A glowing ember
Burning hot
Burning slow


Past lives, pictures or used-to-be truths flourish as I dive into this world. This safe world. The one where its placid with shivering presence. I try and break my other issues and make myself at mercy on this. Only this. A kiss that could render me no spoken words without my permission. It fits. Naturally, so ruby-like I take my plunge, he feels me. But I am sad inside.

Deep within I'm shaken by the violence
Of existing for only you
I know I can't be with you
I do what I have to do
I know I can't be with you
I do what I have to do


I reel with this fiery person within me, yet... I can’t know an answer. Once in a blue moon it tells me. OK, I am left strangled. Paralyzed. Perched upon confused muscles.

I break off this moment. I am lost, but find myself in a smile. Crying in the moment of choices. I know now what I need to do.

And I have sense to recognize but
I don't know how to let you go


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Justin’s POV:

Inexplicable. Her power. Her energy. Just wonders of her are truly allowing me to finally know her. After I left the room, I gave her the clothes I promised and can you believe it, she said she’d be down for breakfast!

Yeah I know. I just wanted her to stay longer, stay until I say leave. I will never say leave. God, this is big so is the smile. Sh it, I almost sprinkled the bacon grease on myself. Eh, who cares?

I'm in love with the world through the eyes of a girl
Who's still around the morning after


OK, cool it. Let her just take time to herself. I really can’t keep my excited in, I’m just so glad she’s not leaving me again. Everytime we meet, one of us, usually her, leaves. She’s not this time, I feel it.

Crooked spin can't come to rest
I'm damaged bad at best
She'll decide what she wants


I hear the shower still running. Its been like that for the last 50 minutes. I shouldn’t be worried, should I? Nah, she had a tough night, its understanding.

Well, breakfast is served now and its hot. I actually didn’t f uck it up this time. I really want her to like it.

I'll probably be the last to know
No one says until it shows and you see how it is
They want you or they don't


“Hmm... wonder where she is.â€￾

I walked to the room and knocked on the door gently. No answer. I open the door and glance around the place. Looks OK to me I guess. The bathroom left a crack open and I can tell with the crack the mirrors were really fogged up.

I just wanna check, I don’t wanna really scare her anymore than she has been. I walk up and knock once on the door.

“Julie?â€￾ No answer, just high pressure water spewing.

OK, well now I’m kind of worried. Maybe she needs help or something. I open the door slightly.

“Julie, no!â€￾ No, this can’t be.

Say yes
I'm in love with the world through the eyes of a girl
Who's still around the morning after
</span>

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Postby whatchagot4meMRJT » Wed Apr 06, 2005 8:45 am

Ahhh, I'm intrigued. Is she still there or did she take off? Left me with a cliffhanger there at the end! Justin really wanted her to stay and hang out, so he's going to be hurt if she took off again. :(

Deeply, I am flushed with passion.


I really liked that line. My favorite one in the whole chapter. It's good to know that she's feeling some passion, some fire inside of her. I hope she embraces that warmth and lets herself be loved. :nod:

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Postby Mariah111384 » Sun Apr 24, 2005 12:01 pm

<span style='color:blue'>A/N:This chapter deals with something serious and it would mean a lot to hear some thoughts on it after you read.

Chapter 14: Soar


Aurora’s POV

I fled from him. I found a way and did it. By lying, and manipulating. Guess I should go to hell. Well, I’m “raisedâ€￾ Jewish, I suppose its fate or something. Fate... what a lame a ss word.

Anyway, where was I going? I lost my way suddenly. Maybe cuz I’m thinking so extraneously. Tedious fingers probe my recent events. Honestly, it was all to simple. Life. How it played out yesterday night and this morning. Was like one of those Harlequin instances. Something right from the pages of god really knows for this one. I wish someone would tell, wake me. Cuz I’m really stuck here. Walking to nothing. Trying to find reason for other reasons; always. Blocking treason, scraping for inner and spiritual everything. Wow, was all this a dream? Wasn’t I on this street yesterday? I was. Sh it.

Playground school bell rings again
Rain clouds come to play again


Rain desolates and revives what I believed to be there. I am illusioned into destruction. I want to smile and it hurts. It hurts to breathe. I am suffocating, when am I not? Seriously, was there a time in my life where there wasn’t sh it? Though, boldly, I move with the ditch. The hurdles sympathize with me through him. But it was fun. No one really can live and tell you the story of love.

Has no one told you she's not breathing?
Hello I'm your mind giving you someone to talk to
Hello


The weather is quite shivering and with my little red jacket, I burrow myself steadily. I don’t really know what my next move is. All I know is that NO cop will distract me. It felt like I was not even trying with him. Maybe all he really wanted was sex. Usually that’s the case with his gender.

I refuse to believe and think last night had changed any part of my paths. Inadvertently I deceived my soul for staying longer than I had. Ugh, tears a f ucking again!

If I smile and don't believe
Soon I know I'll wake from this dream


What do I know now? I don’t know. Everything and nothing has changed honestly. I’m also still finding it hard to walk. He did this to me. I let this happen. I like the first one better. Well, he didn’t really rape me and all we were drinking was soda but last night I believe was out of hallucinations. I was upset, I basically survive on nothing coming up with nothing along the way.

I figure if I’m not dead yet, why bother with diving on it? It’s f ucking stupid and so am I so it evens out. I’m better alone. I was always better that way.

Don't try to fix me I'm not broken
Hello I'm the lie living for you so you can hide
Don't cry


What if I had gone back and stayed? What could that solve in my life? It’s just another thing to place on the worry mantel. God knows its heavy as is. I don’t know if I would I have wished for that.

I regret my emotions and the fact that I cried in front of a stranger, much less lose myself to him. But… I swear it, will never admit it, everything was so real and so uncontrived I wanted to stick with the plan of maybe not being alone. I am alone, not dreaming, I am alone.

Suddenly I know I'm not sleeping
Hello I'm still here
All that's left of yesterday


I make my way toward the round corner or Sherman Bulevard. I made it this far I can push myself through more I guess. I’m so used to feeling used this sh it shouldn’t hurt this much. Why would I want to go back anyway? I question myself lately a lot. Ever since he came into my life I feel horrible about my life. Anyway, moving on to what I have now.

I walk around the street leading up to the studio curled up in my bundle currently chafing me. Loathing my every step, reverting toward nothing and wholeness. It’s f ucking scary. I just told the friend in my head about the dream I had; the one where I almost felt something. Who am I kidding? For the first time I find myself emotionally happy, to the point of weeps. And its all real. What am I doing here? Why did I leave? Mandating my body, I am forced to jolt my move forward.

I feel a sharp pain stabbing in the back of me. I feel breath, odious smell painting its tongue. He was big, I feel him behind me. I know its a him, he grunts at me with a teacherous fever sending me into unconsiousness. I feel faint. I feel really hurt. I thought about Justin. I look down finding a mess of blood with a kitchen knife luridly punctured through me. I gasp spitting away what I tasted was iron. No, not iron, dark red. Blood. Its dark </span><span style='color:red'>red.</span><span style='color:blue'> I feel so light now. The pain was gone when my eyes closed. For a moment I was still than screamed.

Eyes closed. Was I dead? I can’t be. I forgot to tell him. He’ll never know my name. My name its so important. Eyes closed. He doesn’t know where I live, MY LIFE. I haven’t said anything. We made love and the strength he possessed had frightened. I haven’t said anything. Moribud is what I am. My eyes fastened shut. Never once growing a tip a solace. It’s OK. I still find myself saying as I fall to the ground.

I haven’t lived yet... this can’t be. I refuse to know this. I am dead. Choking on my own source of life, I die in anonymity. One had almost knew. I fell, I fell? Did I? I fell into him. He saved me. Melifluous sparks pick me up and my eyes smack open.

A bathroom?!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Justin’s POV

I pick her sheer, wet body up as she looks at me from the bathtub. She’d almost drowned herself. I can’t imagine. I just can’t. Her eyes appear dark and glassy as I place her onto the mat. I move her hair and pick up her head. Sh it, she’s cold.

I spot my robe and drape her body with it. I try her face once again and she screams, scary me a little but she’s here, she’s OK. She shakes, all of her shakes, disillusioned in the fact of now. Her eyes start to learn to see again as she wraps the robe more securely.

“I fell asleep. I’m sorry I scared you.â€￾ She managed to say.

I could careless of being petrified. She lets my arms wrap around her, still vibrating steadily. “I’m better now that you’re OK.â€￾

“It was horrible.â€￾

I pull her closer, my grip being in control now, “What was?â€￾

A long moment passed, and when she stopped shaking, “What I saw. I left your house and I was outside walking and I felt something stab me hard. My eyes closed and and I was fell on the ground choking on my blood. I don’t know who did it, I couldn’t see his face, everything was slow and my breathing stopped.â€￾

I couldn’t bare to hear that story. Trying to think about that being real is utterly impossible. I refuse to let her let a night vision can scare her away. “It was a nightmare.â€￾ I pulled back a little to stare on her face, “Its OK. I won’t let anyone hurt you ever. Come here.â€￾

She embraces me and all I feel like doing is crying. I was going to protect her but I was turbed in my own merit. I didn’t know what the f uck I was doing or how I was going to do it. I can’t be confused. Not when she is. She’s looking to me for warmth and a home. I can’t help but just feel aimless to her calls. I cradle her softly. Paralyzing all fear within me for a moment, just for this. For her.

She’s cold. I move myself away from her just enough so she can put herself in the robe, even though I have witnessed what she already looks like, I still revert my head the other way out of peace for her. I lick my lips, perching my attempts, “Do you wanna go back to bed?â€￾

A silence falls. My face is turned by her hand. I stare into her. Her breathing speeds with a reckless skill I don’t normally encounter with anyone. She opens her mouth, I gape at the attempt after what just happened, “Yeah, my head is spinning.â€￾

I nod carefully, knowing what to do right away. I first pull up the water and watched it drain until it finished, than and I bent over to pull her up with me and stood straight. She had her head on the side, eyes half awake, hearing half there too. I make a good effort to open the door and carry her over to the bed. Her body is laid steady onto the right side and I place her inside the covers. Her head drops on the pillow I was about to fluff.

I feel her eyes on me and but concentrate on getting her warm. As I fold the covers delicately I have visions. I see strange instances. Scratching with claws, they bite on me. I refuse to let them distract, I burn the thought away.

“I died. I died and now I’m here…â€￾ I wait as she finishes, she doesn’t.

“Do you wanna tell me about it?â€￾

She breathes in and directly giving me this unassuming stare. I can never seem to break what she throws at me. “No. I just wanna forget.â€￾

Good. I nod, with an understanding smile. “OK,â€￾ I bent over to kiss her forehead and pulled back hovering above her face, “I can stay until you fall asleep.â€￾

She chokes back something. She opens her eyes and I see them. She’s sobbing suddenly, “Julie, what?â€￾

She pulls her hands from inside and covers her face, “You shouldn’t be this way with me, you don’t know what I did… who I am. You don’t know.â€￾

It’s a little prying but I manage move her hands from her eyes, “What are you talking about?â€￾

She turns her back on me, wiping her eyes, “Nothing.â€￾

Sh it, she was so close. And I didn’t really ask her, she just tells me these things and drops it. Just f uck! I shouldn’t be mad now, she almost, I don’t wanna even think it.

“I’m sorry. I’ll be here until you sleep, OK?â€￾ I didn’t know what I should say but I was going to stay with her.

“Just go away.â€￾

“Can’t do that.â€￾

“Don’t you have somewhere to go now?â€￾

She almost died and she wants me to leave. This is a joke. “I’m staying alright.â€￾

I hear a grunt come from her mouth, “You don’t have to stay for me. You can just go.â€￾

“No, I’m not. Look, I need to stay with you for now.â€￾

She turns on her back, staring at the ceiling, off in thoughts I can’t pick. “I’m just in shock. Figures I wouldn’t know what it means anyway…â€￾

I wanted to be private. Like let her speak and have her space, but she always does this. I sit on this, I want her to say more and I get silence. Am I being stupid about this? Damn.

“You know?â€￾ Huh? “Its like no matter what I say it won’t change how life is just such a painful place. Everything is just horrible. People are strange, they wanna ruin you and you’re killing yourself alone trying to figure out why. I don’t wanna know why, its useless now.â€￾ She stops, staring off.

“I feel like I have nothing left. I moving and I’m not getting anywhere. I keep thinking to myself if I just wake up it will all just f ucking go away.â€￾

I feel like I wanna say so much only my mouth is clamped up tight. Seems like my body is stronger then my mind in this case. Mechanically, I move slowly over to her, touching her cheek, finding something that makes sense. I’m getting warmer and she doesn’t flinch, the only thing moving on her are her eyes. Beating into mine. “It doesn’t have to be like this. You don’t have to be in this much hurt. Let me save you.â€￾

She releases a straggled tear, one by one I watch them threaten her confidence. I’m losing her. Those tears. I’m crumbling with her. I weaken slowly, I know it. I disappear in her eyes, she knows this too.

Her eyes barely focus on me. Blinded with her uncontrolled gestures, she looks at me finally as if she sees me for the first time. I read them as afraid. “How can you save someone without being sure?â€￾

“Because I know you want me to care; you’re hiding in something. I don’t care what you’ve done, the point is you. You came to me and that’s all that matters to me.â€￾

She moves her lips in a tight position, is she angry, “You can’t trust a stranger like that Justin. It’s not simple like you want to believe.â€￾

“Why not? Why can’t I take care of you? Why can’t you let me help you?â€￾ I just don’t know anymore.

She coughs slightly, “You wouldn’t understand why.â€￾

“I could try.â€￾

She takes a breath, “Justin… please leave me alone.â€￾

I fix her covers, stalling some time I have, I wish it didn’t have to be like this. Nothing is easy, it appears with everything. I was going to let her sleep to begin with. “OK, are you warm enough?â€￾

“Yes.â€￾ She said flatly.

F uck it, I really wanna make sure. I wanna be close to her a little bit and now is the time. I nod my head and come around the bed. My shoes slip off as do my other clothes and I bury myself next to her under the covers.

She turns her face to me, wondering. “What are you doing?â€￾

I swallow, this is where I tell her something, “I won’t apologize for wanting you alive. I don’t want you to push me away.â€￾

I catch her before she falls into me, she changes herself. Shaking, tremulous in my hold. I calm myself, not sure if my next thoughts were for me or for her. “It’s OK.â€￾</span>

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Mariah111384
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Postby Mariah111384 » Mon Apr 25, 2005 9:55 pm

drop me a line for who's reading this? :unsure:

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whatchagot4meMRJT
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Postby whatchagot4meMRJT » Tue Apr 26, 2005 8:42 pm

That was intense. I definitely thought that she had killed herself and was gone. I'm relieved that Justin is trying to take care of her and really find out everything about her, the good and the bad. She's not going to open up easily, but with time, I think they'll have a breakthrough.


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