What Am I To You?

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whatchagot4meMRJT
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Postby whatchagot4meMRJT » Wed Aug 17, 2005 3:49 pm

I'm glad he gave Cameron a piece of his mind. That chick is always the problem, isn't she? :no: At least give Ryan a few years of privacy to grow up without a camera in his face. The paps are going to scare that baby half to death. <_<

I hope they can make this LA life work. It's going to be so hard.

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laura
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Postby laura » Mon Aug 22, 2005 9:35 am

i think right now there are only a few more chapters to go, soooo enjoy it while its lastin' cuz im thinking of stopping with the fictions for a while.... :unsure:
but none of that now, still some Draaama to come!

<span style='color:green'>
<span style='font-family:perpetua'>
When I woke he wasn’t there. Neither was Ryan. At first my initial reaction was to panic, I mean I wasn’t used to my baby not being there.

It wasn’t until I got to the bathroom that I saw it. Pinned on the mirror.

“Mom, We’re gone into the city. Daddy needs to show me off to his friends, and pick up some food. Be back later. Ryan Xxx.â€￾ It struck me as the funniest of things. But then again that was Justin’s sense of humour. But it looked like I was free, for the morning at least. So I decided to visit an old friend.

As I walked up the familiar steps of the Rolling Stone Magazine office block I felt the queasiest of feelings wash over me. I knew it was because I missed it and my job so much. Since I basically knew the place like the back of my hand, I had to remind myself to stop and ask for assistance when the phone girl looked at me oddly.

But there he was my ever funny and extremely gay ex assistant.

“Hey Richardâ€￾ I announced standing in his doorway. With widened eyes he turned to me.

“Praise the Lord, my girl has come back to me!!!â€￾ he exclaimed running to hug me.

“How’ve you been boy?â€￾ I asked stepping into his office and sitting on his desk like I always did.

“Girl, forget me. Im not the one all over CNN! What the f***?â€￾
I knew he wouldn’t care either way about my feelings on the subject. So I didn’t care either.

“I know right?â€￾ I blushed.

“I can’t believe you had a baby? I mean, you of all the people in the entire world…I wasn’t aware prada did maternity wear now?â€￾ he smirked not going with it where everyone else had gone with it.

“Thanks.â€￾
“So, you’re a mom? How’s that goin’?â€￾

“Good, he’s a good kid so I can’t complain…â€￾ I knew by the look on his face that he wanted me to bring the subject of my baby daddy up, but I just wasn’t sure how to.

“Izz, you f***ed Justin Timberlake and you didn’t tell me! Shame on you…â€￾ he giggled.

“Rich…come on.â€￾

“No, you knew I was crushin’ on his ass and all the while you were being tapped by him and all his attractiveness, I want details…â€￾ he sat up like an energized puppy. Causing me to laugh my head off at him and his antics.

“Im serious…ok, just…was he good? What am I saying this is you, if he wasn’t fan-f***ing-tastic you wouldn’t have gone back more than once. So whats happening now? Ive seen the news? Nice house by the way…â€￾

I knew he’d bring up my leaving so suddenly too, Damnit.

“I am sorry I didn’t tell you what was up Rich, I am. Its just things… well I was so screwed up –“
â€￾Literallyâ€￾ he pipped.

“Anyway…I just couldn’t. I didn’t know where I was going, what I was gonna do. I just needed to not be here. Im sorry.â€￾

At that his stance seemed to soften. “Well thanks. I know it can’t have been easy for you. I mean really…but he’s with you now right? You two are a thing?â€￾
â€￾ I think so…â€￾
I knew so.

“Its…all very knew so we’re just, well its knew.â€￾ I added voicing my uncertainty.

“Well, I think its great!â€￾ he pepped hugging me in the process.

“You do?â€￾

“Yes! Look the rest of the world may have its head up its ass when it comes to you both. I say screw em’. You’ve waited a long time to be happy Izz, and if he and this life makes you happy then I say go for it.â€￾

See this is why I missed him.

“I am happy, I really am. I mean when im with Ryan, and I see Justin with him – my heart just quells. Its wonderful.â€￾ I admitted fully not caring what anyone thought of me.“Wow. That’s, well that wonderful babe. But I have to confess I never saw you as the Mother Nature type…â€￾

“Huh me neither…but I guess people change. And in my case it was for the better.â€￾

He nodded knowing what I meant. “Well if you ever want your old job back I for one would welcome you back with open arms…the ass they hired to replace you.â€￾ He rolled his eyes. “Is a stupid motherf***er…? I mean really he knows nothin’. I do most of his work and mine. And you know that’s killer on my social scene baby…â€￾

Interesting.

“It’s not working out?â€￾
“Nope we all detest him…but everyone else they interviewed. Well they didn’t quite make your standards….

It made me consider…could I? I mean I missed work. I missed that buzz I got from writing, controlling and over seeing the magazine come together.

“Well, id be willing to come back.â€￾ I announced smiling. “But I guess id have to be interviewed again, and Richard my life is so different now. Things wouldn’t be the same…â€￾
â€￾No. they’d be better….â€￾ He beamed picking up his phone. “Just let me tell our boss who’s here. She’ll be as thrilled to see you as I am girl!â€￾



***

Having been the length almost of LA that day I was beat, as was my little man in the backseat. He had slept most of the ride back. I had taken him out when we both got up, and that was at 8am. I figured Izzy could use some time to her self. I didn’t manage to get home till after 4. Id ran into some friends. Then some dancers that ive worked with in the past. Funny, it seemed the more we talked the less I felt like I belonged with them any more. I mean there was one time when I thought these people would be part of my party hard lifestyle for ever. Now? I didn’t even think the lunch we had was something I could stand.
“Come on lil dude, I got you…â€￾ I whispered to my sleeping baby as I reached into his chair and gently took him out. He stirred a little but didn’t wake up.

As I reached the inside of the house I was greeted by the knowledge that I wasn’t alone.

I figured it was Isabel. But I was wrong.

“Trace? Aren’t you supposed to be in…Europe?â€￾ I said as I saw his figured come from the kitchen. See the thing was, the only way he found out about Isabel was through the news. He wasn’t reachable…no really he wasn’t. so I figured it best to leave it until he came home before I had to explain to yet another person.

“No, I had to come home…what the f*** is going down here dude?â€￾ he asked taking a large bit of his deli sandwich “I mean I leave and your all depressed and sh**. The next I know you’re a dad and have a new woman…care to explain?â€￾

“No, not really.â€￾ I said putting Ryan into his rocking carriage.

“Justin, man come on…what the hell happened to us, I don’t understand, why you didn’t tell me!â€￾ I saw him glance at the baby.

“I couldn’t ok… I didn’t tell anyone at first. I couldn’t.â€￾
“WHY?â€￾ he pushed.

“Because...i...â€￾
“well?â€￾
“ Because I was ashamed ok? Happy now… I was ashamed to admit what id done. What I had f***ed up so badly…that’s why. I got a woman I wasn’t with, pregnant. She planned on an abortion. She lied… I felt like sh**… at first I didn’t even want a kid. I didn’t. But then, I thought id lost him. Her… everything.â€￾ Before I continued I knew I had to calm down. I was starting to cry. That just wasn’t right.

“Dude…â€￾ he tried to say. But I wouldn’t let him.

“No…ok. No. I wanted it when I knew it was gone. But I need her more, so I went to see her. And as it turns out….â€￾ I pointed to Ryan. “She lied. So here he is.â€￾
“Just like that…â€￾ he stated still eating the damn sandwich.

“Yes.â€￾ I picked him up to show him the tiny four months old. “His name is Ryan…â€￾

As I handed my baby over to my best friend, my brother. I finally felt that feeling, the one all the talk show hosts ramble on about. I felt complete. I didn’t have to lie any more I didn’t have to hide it. None of it. At last.

Just as he was passed to Trace I heard the door. Then I knew it had to be her. It still excited me to know she was with me. Id wanted it for so long that the novelty still hadn’t worn off.

“Justin where are you…you’ll never guess…â€￾ at that she rounded the corner and spotted that I wasn’t alone. “Oh am sorry, never mind.â€￾

“No, sweetheart come in…this is Trace, he’s my best friendâ€￾ God I sounded so gay.

“Ohh. Hi…nice to meet youâ€￾ she smiled coming and extending her hand. “Im Isabel.â€￾

“How’s a goin’â€￾ He began taking her hand timidly.

“So, Justin how was Ryan?â€￾ she asked looking at him slumbering quietly in my arms.

“Good as gold. And I brought some stuff for dinner tonight.â€￾ Both his and her eyes widened. “You’re cooking? You never cook dude.â€￾ Trace spoke up as Izzy laughed at his shocked voice.

“I do so! I just don’t do it all that often,â€￾ I tried to defend myself. Even if he was right I was hell bent on changing. This was part of that change.
“Well ok then…â€￾ Izzy took charge smiling leading us both into the kitchen.

As I watched both my best friend and Isabel interact it made me so happy. And all we where doing was cooking some damn chicken.

“So Izzy I take it since y’all where in Memphis you heard all the embarrassing stories about Justin?â€￾
“No, actually I haven’t.â€￾ she eyed me as I pulled up my sleeves to skin the breasts of chicken.

“Dude don’t go there…â€￾ I warned turning on the tap, as she chopped the vegetables beside me.

“Oh, am goin’ there. Ok, well there was this one time –“
Note to self: run from room when a sentence begins with ‘this one time’

“That Justin and I experimented with Hair dye, we wanted bits of blue right – cause we thought it was cool –“
â€￾Izzy I was 13…just to clarify.â€￾ I inserted as Trace rolled his eyes.

“Anyway, so there we were in his mom’s bathroom with sh** loads of this dye. We went a bit crazy, instead of bits. We threw the whole lot of the crap on….as it turns out, schools a’int as open minded as you’d think about that sh**. We were called into the principles office, made explain why we had blue hair and spend 4 days in detention for havin f***ing blue hair.â€￾ He giggled. “Oh and the embarrassing part isâ€￾

Damn I thought he forgot.

“J took this chick to one of those stupid dances right…â€￾
â€￾Trace stop!â€￾ I pleaded.

“No Trace don’t, what happened…â€￾ Izzy egged on.

“Well he was getting on sooo well with this little chick they, Ahem…went outside right.â€￾ He winked. “But our Justin wasn’t as smooth with the ladies as he is now and he was sweatin’ just a bit…â€￾
â€￾Oh no!â€￾ Izzy squealed laughing.

“Yeah, the dye it ran from his forehead all over this girls face….Dude she looked like an umpa loompa!! His sh** was covered, she was covered! It was so f***in’ funny… â€￾ that little bastard laughed so hard, as she did too.

“Ooh, Justin…I can’t imagine why you didn’t want anyone knowin’ bout that…â€￾ she giggled slippin her arms around my back, trying to front and get on my good side.

“Naw, Naw f*** y’all that sh** a’int right man….dissin me like thatâ€￾
“well I have loads more. Like that time your mom caught you and whats her name at it like bunnies! He was barely 15!â€￾
That made her laugh again, this time she tried to hold it in.

“Trace man, get the f*** out!!â€￾ That little b**** was startin’ to get to me.

“Ignore himâ€￾ I tried to save face, “He’s an idiot…â€￾ finally I had dipped my chicken in the sauce and then the breadcrumbs and stuck them in for baking.

“I like hearing that stuff…â€￾ she said handing me her tossed salad. “ its let me get to know you better, and that’s never a bad thing…â€￾ she smiled to herself.

“That sh**’s embarassin’ though girl…â€￾

“Yeah, for like a second….but come on, hindsight 20/20 an all that. Look back on it fondly.â€￾ She pepped.

“Whatever Oprah….â€￾ I scoffed at her psychology skills, or lack there of.

“Dude I love Oprah. She was po’ now look at her ass, all skinny and blinged. That’s my show man…â€￾

It struck me as bizarre, that this felt so normal. It felt like id known her forever. Felt like I was a normal guy with his girl, just being f***ing Normal. That was incredible to me.



“So hey,â€￾ I began again. “What was it you where gonna tell me before we interrupted youâ€￾

“Oh, yeah I almost forgot…â€￾ she smiled. “ I went to see Richard today…â€￾
“Who’s Richard…â€￾ I asked defensively causing her to laugh.

“My PA, remember? The gay one.â€￾

“Ooh. That dude. He’s…cool I guess. I mean if not for him I wouldn’t have found you…fugitive

“Funny…Yeah so anyway. After many questions and a lot of avoidance. He’s been telling me that the new editor isn’t really working out…so...â€￾
“are you thinking of going for it?â€￾
“I don’t know…I mean I miss my job. But I love Boston. Its nice. The area is quiet…well except for the odd suicide and all the affairs… I love it…But yeah the local paper I work for…well it a’int exactly demanding is it…â€￾
I smiled then. Knowing that she had already made up her mind. She just hadn’t figured it out yet.

“Well you know, I am a willing babysitter. Since the tour’s done. I a’int got much on for the next 6months…and by that time Ry’ he’ll be over a year. Much easier to pass off to willing strangers.â€￾ I teased.

She shook her head as we placed the plates on the counter. “No I couldn’t ask you to do that. I mean come on. It’s like…Justin, it’s a full time job with him…he’s a little rascal.â€￾
â€￾I know that…â€￾ I countered.

“Do you…Justin it’s been a few days, there's more to it than-“

“Than what, I think ive done a good job with him Izzy.â€￾
What the hell…

“J, Chill. I was just saying…â€￾ she tried to backtrack.

“No you where implying that I wouldn’t make a decent father. Your saying im not good enough to help raise him…sh**, girl. What am I to you?

Am I not his father do I not have the right to-“

She stopped me with her finger to my lips before I had the chance to carry on with the tirade of emotions that I had built up, and somehow let escape.

“Shh…â€￾ She said. “Please, I know ok. I know…â€￾

I don’t know what made me react like I did. I swear I was becoming more and more weird the longer I kept sh** in.

“Baby…â€￾ She began as she led me to the table to sit down. “I know…â€￾
â€￾Izz, I just feel like…im stuck. I feel like if I don’t do something now ill go insane…â€￾
She just nodded as she did her best to comfort me.

“I need you know that I mean all a this, that its for real…you know that right?â€￾
“I do…please J, we promised each other. No lies. And you’re lying to me every time you bottle some of whatever it is your feeling up inside… it’s not fair on you. So please. No more. I want you with me, and that means emotionally too. If you need you yell, then yell.â€￾ I smiled at yet another one of her changes, her mothering ways were clear now.

“Sorry…â€￾
“Don’t be…â€￾

“So...â€￾ I sniffed back tears as I checked on the chicken, hoping that Trace wouldn’t make an appearance when my eyes where stuffy and red. “Are you gonna see about the job?â€￾

“Yeah you know…I think I might just do that. Since I have my own willing sitter an all…â€￾ She laughed as we finally sat down to dinner.

***

Somehow I did it. I managed to persuade my boss to give me job back. Well it was, and it wasn’t a difficult task. Since id left the issue sales had dropped and it looked like his ideas and editing decisions just weren’t as popular as mine. He went to rock’n’roll…concentrating on the rock. This as I knew it would, alienated the majority of the audience. I had made it back in time to plan the next issue. And I knew since I had a few scores to settle and a side of a story to get out that had and continued to dominate the headlines for three solid weeks after it broke. That I definitely had a cover story, to be told my way.

“Justin?â€￾

“yes?â€￾ he answered pulling his attention away from ryan who now sat in his lap just gazing and smiling away like it was all new, when he’d been making faces and mocking characters from sesame street for over half an hour.

“I want you to be my cover story.â€￾ I stated simply getting to the point.

He was silent for a few seconds as he glanced from me to our son.

“Noâ€￾
“No?â€￾
“Izzy, don’t you think it’s been ‘covered’ enough?â€￾ the tone told me that this wasn’t exactly going to be an easy conversation.

“Well, yes…but come on... it’s the chance to do it right. Set the record straight. Get what we need out there…â€￾ I argued.

“Yeah and what exactly is that huh? Do you think it’ll look good for any of us to just come out and be 100% honest about what we were? I don’t see that happening and either of us surviving the press do you?â€￾

“Justin…â€￾
“No…Ok. Just no.â€￾ with that he stood up, walked with the baby up the long staircase leaving me alone to think about the whole thing. And of course to be tremendously pissed at his ass.

He had a point. It wasn’t exactly a smart move as far as his image was concerned to simply admit that he cheated, lied, and created a life he knew nothing about – to the world.

I on the other hand didn’t have an image to obtain. I was simply a woman who had at her disposal the medium to get out her story. The real side of the story that in my belief needed telling.

****</span>
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whatchagot4meMRJT
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Postby whatchagot4meMRJT » Mon Aug 22, 2005 6:21 pm

I felt complete. I didn’t have to lie any more I didn’t have to hide it. None of it. At last.


Loved that sentence. Most people don't experience that until later in life. I'm glad Justin feels whole again with Izzy and Ryan by his side. They make me smile. :D

The stories in the kitchen were too funny. Those could actually be true with the way Trace and Justin are. :rofl: The blue hair ran on his face. :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: What a geek!

I'm glad Izzy got her job back. Richard is fabulous. :clap: Love that dude. I hope she can convince Justin to be her cover story. She'll do a fantastic job at presenting his side of the story.

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Postby laura » Tue Aug 30, 2005 8:39 am

<span style='color:green'>hi all, or whoever...LOL this is a big one so take your time with it. that and there is only one more chapter after this....I know it ended so suddenly, it may not make sense. But i never intended this to be a long fiction....I got emotionally involved!!!! and look what happened. The ending was one i wanted from the start, its just taken me a while to get there....
But enjoy this one....</span>




<span style='color:orange'>
It took me two weeks to come up with everything that I had to say. I didn’t want it to be a cover story after all, because after all it was a music magazine and I owed it to the readers and the lovers of music to hold up what they needed. I decided to make it a by line. Second in line from the cover story that I decided had to be Christina Aguilera winning her tenth Grammy, her thoughts and feelings etcetera.

But I was sick and tired of being branded a “home wreckerâ€￾ because as you all know, there wasn’t a home to wreck. Not like now. The main problem was Justin knew nothing about it. So in essence I was a hypocrite, I was lying to him.

But the truth needed to come out, for my own peace of mind than anything else. So, he would find out, he just had to wait. In the days that I spent back at work I was beginning to understand my purpose, why I had in my own mind left Boston, why I was needed here. That’s a feeling I honestly never thought I could experience. Music had been for the longest time the love of my life. And it wasn’t necessarily a bad thing but I knew way back when that there was more to life. Again it wasn’t something I expected to see before I hit forty.

But he helped me see that, he gave that to me. Never had I thought that someone had a purpose to enter someone’s life simply to change it to make it better. That’s what Justin was to me. And I only hoped that’s what I was to him. In the two weeks that it took me to pin point just what I needed to say. I had spent it avoiding the subject with my man; for the most part thing was things where fine. But there was that undertone of the aftermath that was the huge row we had days prior. The things we had said to each other still stood in the air.

I loved him, and he often confessed to loving me. We

were happy, we laughed and loved. But like I said there was that under tone. Seeing him with Ryan though made all the doubt that I had voiced, that he had voiced dissipate. He was a wonderful father, I knew no matter what my son was safe in his arms.

The day before I knew the issue was due to hit the stands, I did something I will fully admit that I was scared sh**less to do, I approached the subject.

“J?â€￾ I began.

“Yeah baby?â€￾

“I need to show you something…well that and I need to tell you something.â€￾
I was nervous, and it showed in my voice. Causing him to look away from
the computer that he sat at in his office to look at me sitting on his desk.

“What is it Izz? Are you ok?â€￾

“I am, but am not sure you will be when im done…â€￾ I began again.

“Ok? Why?â€￾ he questioned his eyebrows scrunching as he did so.

“You know when you said you didn’t want to be part of the cover story for
the new issue.â€￾ He nodded “well, I did.â€￾
“Huh?â€￾

“I still wanted to tell my part. I needed people to know that we’re genuine.
You know?â€￾ he still looked at me in perplexity. So I took that as my que to
continue.

“I wrote some stuff down, that I wanted so say…to put things straight. It’s
in the next issue. It’s not the cover story…butâ€￾ before I could continue he
had gotten up from his desk.

“What?â€￾

“You heard me boy, don’t act dumb ok?â€￾ I stood up to since his 6ft 2’’ frame
was becoming intimidating

“But I told you I didn’t want to talk about it…why did you go behind my back and just lie like that??â€￾

“I didn’t lie, necessarily…â€￾ I coped out. “I just needed to do this, and to be
honest I don’t need your permission.â€￾ I protested prematurely

“Isabel, you lied. I told you I didn’t want us brought up; I don’t want to deal
with it.â€￾

“No the truth is Justin its not us and what happened before that you did
want to deal with, it’s the fact that your ashamed…Admit it!â€￾

“Woman you’re insane if you think that, what would I have to be –“

“Well lets see, the fact that you whored around for over a year with a
woman with whom your only purpose with was sex, the fact that you lied to
your friends, family and girlfriend about it, that I lied…come on take you pick
babyâ€￾ I yelled

“Isabel…â€￾

“NO! Come on admit it, say it I know you want to…come on!!â€￾

I saw his expressions change; I saw his eyes and his entire demeanour
change.

“Fine you want me to say it then fine. I was ashamed of what I did with you;
I was ashamed that I had become something I swore I wasn’t… I was
ashamed…ok?â€￾

“And about Ryan?â€￾ I added in a rage “what about him huh? You had a child
with a woman you didn’t really know, and hell maybe you still don’t know
her…huh? That you made a child that be honest if you had the chance, you
wouldn’t have had…with someone who lied to you…are you ashamed of
that??â€￾

“Maybe I am!â€￾ he screamed back in a voice she had never heard from him
before. “Maybe I don’t like the fact that I lied for so long to so many people –
including myself. Maybe I don’t like the situation im in, that ive turned into a
liar…what we did. Who we hurt. Yeah I am ashamed. But he is my son. And I
adore him- no amount of sh** from the press will ever change that- and
neither will youâ€￾

After that we seemed to yell at each other forever, we spend a whole hour
at each others throats. Just yelling about inconsequential sh**. Everything
we held in, all our worries, all our fears, all of it. Out. It drove me to tears; it drove him out the door. But hey, at least we had it was all opened now.

There was no going back.





I didn’t know what made me leave the house like I did, but I did it. And I
stayed with Trace, in order to avoid coming back to round two of what I left
in the first place.

Its no secret that the relationship that Izzy and I had was always
passionate, its just now that passion was exerted in other ways, not in a
sexual manner but now all we seemed to do was yell. I knew the way we
began that it would be difficult to just fall into an everyday couple-Dom
lifestyle. But I at the very least wanted to try it out.

She and I had so much going on, with each other and in our own heads that
it wasn’t exactly a huge surprise that we blew off at each other like we did.
Now I just didn’t know how to fix it. Or if I even wanted to.

I knew I loved her, I knew I wanted her. But what I didn’t know was if I
could maintain that level of passion and intensity forever without burning out.

I knew she wouldn’t call. She was just as stubborn as I was. I knew she
would stand her ground. And hell she had every right in the world to do so. I
was the one with the issues; I was the one holding sh** in until it consumed
me. And I knew that I shouldn’t have done it. Because now she was under
the impression that I didn’t want my son. How could I have said it? I said I
was ashamed for my own child.

My blood.


See this is a archetypal example

as to why men should only be allocated several words a day. To stop sh**
like what I said hitting the fan.

Pulling up on Sunset, and the juncture that I knew would lead me to the exit
for home the next morning I was again stalled in traffic when I noticed the
local news stand. Loading up the newest issue of Rolling Stone. My heart
sank as I saw the women and the men pick up the magazine and flip the
pages.

Ill admit at that second I wanted to drive and just never come back, then a second later my curiosity got the best of me and I pulled up from the
line I was in, on to the sidewalk. I needed to see for myself just how much
sh** she had landed me in.

Did she proclaim to the world that I was the man
whore I was, did she point out that we used each other for nothing but sex, did she tell them all my filthy secrets?
Well i'd soon find out.
***
Having spent the night sleepless with worry I decided to just get off my ass and stop feeling sorry for myself. I needed to, otherwise id go crazy. If he couldn’t accept the person he was then that was his deal, if he was ashamed that again was all on him. The jackass had the audacity to yell in my face about being a whore, when it was him who was doing the dirty as much as me, and at the very least I wasn’t meant to be in a “loving relationshipâ€￾ with Diaz for over a year now was I ? NOPE!
If it was too much then all I had to do was walk, I had done a pretty good job with the baby on my own before he showed up again. And sure id miss him.


After all I did love the son of a b****; in truth I was so in love with him that the thought of leaving literally broke my delicate heart.
Having packed all of mine and all of the baby’s things I was ready to leave. Id set up for me and the baby to stay with a friend until I found a place I deemed satisfactory. Until then I figured I didn’t need him, since he sure as hell didn’t need me.
***
I got the issue, got into my car, and parked it in a out of the way spot. I knew what I was looking for I skipped the majority of the issue. Until I found her picture, and the article that accompanied it.

Ooh boy.

As I began reading I didn’t quiet know what to make of it? It wasn’t what I
imagined at all. In fact it was far from it.



“When I sat down with the idea of what I needed to say in this issue, the first thing I did was my job. So just now that I have the opportunity, I want
all the readers to know that, im glad to be back and im glad to be giving you some of the quality music news that I know you’ve all missed.
The second thing I did was think of what I wanted to say, to you. To you all who have heard the rumours, seen the tabloid trash and believed it... I need you to listen now.
Because this is the truth.
Almost two years ago, while I was out on assignment for this wonderful magazine. I met a man, and that man over the last two years has changed my life in more ways than one.
When I met him my sole purpose in life was my work. I convinced myself that, that’s all I needed but at the end of the day I was miserable. This man showed me that what I thought I needed and what I actually needed were very different things.
It is true that our relationship wasn’t one that was – conventional. It was actually far from it. Because as you all know there was other people involved for a time. But as im also sure your aware, we were all adults and made our own decisions. Just as I made my decision to do this, so please respect that.
I trust in my own judgement, I haven’t always but you see that’s another thing this man had taught me. To believe in myself and those around me. And I thank him for that. And I will always love him for it. No matter what.
The other thing he gave me was my son, the one person I now know neither of us could even consider living without. He is my life now, as im sure any parent will agree with me. My need to protect him began early on, the need to shelter him for all the evil in this world. An evil that takes many forms- in our case it was the media attention I wanted to avoid for him. His father’s life makes it near impossible for that to happen. But you see the other thing I tried to avoid was the love that I held, and still hold for that man. A love I didn’t understand fully, that I didn’t fully grasp until I saw him with his son, it was then that I knew that they needed to know each other - and then as you know was when the rumours broke loose…

I realise that the rumours where started mainly by one person in which the father of my child was close with, that person knows who they are they know all the pain they have caused.

But I am also aware of the pain that we have caused this person, so I want her to know that I am truly sorry for any unhappiness that we have caused you and that no matter what, I personally forgive you in truth I would done the same had I been in you position.
What I don’t forgive are the nasty untrue rumours that are being continually spread about my son. He is only a child, and doesn’t deserve to begin his life like this.
So I am using this as a request, to the real journalists - from one to another if you consider what you write a necessity, and then please leave him out of it. He didn’t ask to be born into this life. It’s our job to ensure he has a life he deserves.

Please respect that. Respect that I have had the courage to address this, and set it straight.


Thank you.

Your editor: Isabel Andrews
.

I frankly didn’t know what to say, she had gone with it in an entirely different direction. I didn’t know what to feel. Well all I knew that I felt was like a complete bastard. She did it all; she got her opinions requests and set things proper with even mentioning my name. I couldn’t believe it. How could


I have doubted her like I did? She was a smart competent woman and I
narrowed her down to all the other dumb as a board woman I had been with before her. She was right. I didn’t deserve her.
I needed to do what she did; I needed to set things straight. And I needed to do it now.


This is where I should have been able to go home and grovel my ass off until she agreed to forgive me right? Well…this was us wasn’t it?

Nothing is ever that straightforward when it came to me and Isabel.

See when I returned home I found her, Ryan and the car gone. This time I was thoroughly scared. I mean I knew I had messed up, I knew it. This was me after all, and as y’all know by now I had a complete history with screwing up.

I didn’t know where she went, so I tried everything I knew. I called people at the magazine after I realised she had switched off her cell, I tired her mom’s her sisters…nothing.

Jesus. What had I done?
***
See this is why I had stayed single unattached and unemotional for so long. This is the classic example. Love stinks, as the song goes. It really does.

Either you love the person or they don’t know you exist or you can’t stand them and they love you. And if by some chance you both end up falling in love with each other, it always happens at the worst of times. There is always something in the way, something to hold you back. Now I know what

you’re thinking – haven’t we been over this before? Well yes we have and
that another thing in the con column for love. It makes you either stark
raving nuts or an idiot or worse – both.

And that’s what he had made me, and nutty idiot. Thank you Mr Timberlake.


Sure I was still mad from the fight, I still wanted to do nothing more than spend an hour kicking him in the balls while wearing my steel toed boots. No really I saw it in my head, and it seemed like fun.

But then the other side of me wanted him to just come, tell me he was an
idiot and that he loved me and he was sorry, all of that soap opera sh**.

Truth was I was on the 101 stuck in mid- day traffic and feeling the heat and
the stress, as my son simply enjoyed his bottle – blissfully oblivious at what
was happening.

As the traffic piled up, the drivers seemed to get madder and madder – of course the regular slue of paparazzi were on hand to get me snapped sitting in my top down rental car sweating like there was no tomorrow. Ugh. Why?

I tired to hide I tried everything but my baseball cap and sunglasses only hide so much.


And again I knew it wasn’t the wisest of things to side in a traffic jam like a sitting dunk with the top off my car. But it was nearing 150 degrees that sh** just wasn’t normal, and I wasn’t risking my baby’s life just so a few issues of a tabloid mag wouldn’t sell.

***
I left my third message on her voicemail. I didn’t know what else to do. But I didn’t want to be grovelling over a cell phone. I needed to see her, or at the very least talk to her.

It was to my surprise when I rang the fifth time that it actually rang, more
unexpected it was picked up.

“Izzy, it me listen…â€￾

“Who is this?â€￾ I heard the voice on the other end of the line; it was a
distinctive male voice.

“This is J, who is this…â€￾ I carried on carefully.

“Is this Justin? Justin this is the paramedic at cedar’s hospital in LA. Are you
her boyfriend sir?â€￾ Panic rushed through my body and all the way to my
head.

“Uh, yes…whats wrong, where’s Isabel?â€￾

“Sir, im going to need you to come down to the hospital. Ms Andrews is in
surgery at the minute – “

“What Happened is she ok???â€￾

“There was an accident on the 101 shortly after noon today. It was a three
car pile up. A drunken driver tried to overtake your girlfriend and –“

“What about my son, what about Ryan where is he, is he okay?â€￾

“Sir, id much rather you come down to the hospital…â€￾ with this guys
unwillingness to answer my questions I just hung up and dashed straight for
the door. I need to know she was ok. I needed to see her and my son.

Now.</span>

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Postby whatchagot4meMRJT » Tue Aug 30, 2005 10:33 am

OH SHIIT! This is terrible. That huge fight was bad enough and now this. AHHH! I'm really worried about Ryan. Things don't sound good for the baby or Izzy. :(

That was a great article that Isabel put out. It was too the point without airing the dirty laundry. Very tasteful.

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Postby laura » Wed Aug 31, 2005 9:38 am

whatchagot4meMRJT wrote:
That was a great article that Isabel put out. It was too the point without airing the dirty laundry. Very tasteful.

:lol: well thank you... I.... i mean SHE worked on that....

ill update soon! only one left *sob* but its a little twist...ed... :blink: :blink: :lol:

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Postby whatchagot4meMRJT » Wed Aug 31, 2005 10:39 am

*SOBS* It can't end ... EVER! :(


:lol:

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Postby laura » Mon Sep 05, 2005 10:00 am

*hugs paige!* awwww.... will i post? huh huh? :blink: ;)

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Postby laura » Tue Sep 06, 2005 9:03 am

<span style='color:purple'>so, here it is....The final chapter. Now i know that this is a tenny bit unexpected. But i needed to balance it out, two happy endings one...well....
But i want to thank Paige and Betty ( i dont know her real name) for reading and anyone else that has and hasnt been leaving feedback. Either way i thank you, and hoped you enjoyed it! I have.
Now i never intended this to be a Long story and this ending is one i wanted. You know before i got emotionally involved!LOL!
but i hope y'all can see where i was coming from and what the purpose of her character is.........
God i can ramble.

Enjoy!</span>









<span style='color:green'>On reaching the crowded hospital it was clear that the press had already been tipped off to what was going on, and exactly who was inside. It’s what pissed me off about living the life I did. Other people knew more about my life that even I did most of the time.

f***ing bastards.

I used the back entrance to the ward I knew she was in. Surgery? Jesus it couldn’t have been that severe now could it?

As I asked for her, and my son I was told to wait…wait to see if either of them where alive. What the hell was that?
Finally a small red headed doctor came my way, she smiled at me. In that
way you knew it was her job to do it.

“Mr Timberlake?â€￾

“Yes?â€￾

“I have just come out of surgery with Isabel. Have you been filled in on what
happened?â€￾

NO!

“Um, no, no one has…â€￾ I swallowed hard. “No.â€￾ I held back the tears.

“During the traffic this afternoon it seems that Isabel was caught between
two cars, both cars where in the wrong lane. One was right beside her; the
other was a drunken driver that as far as we know was female, she hasn’t
been found…she drove off according to the reports that we got at the
scene…â€￾ she trailed off again, looking me solemnly in the eye.

“Justin, Isabel has suffered severe internal bleeding as well as extensive damage to
several major organs. It seems she was leaning over to the passenger seat to
shield the baby…that by the way is in the children’s ward…nothing too brutal. Just a few scrapes. He was blessed she did what she did, otherwise…well.â€￾ She shrugged.

She still didn’t get to the point as to what had happened Izz.

“Doctor, Isabel?â€￾

“Yes, well the extent of her damage isn’t known just yet. She had broken
her two left ribs, dislocated her shoulder and fractured her skull.â€￾

I felt like I was dying as she rhymed off her injuries.


“The main thing we are concerned about now is the internal haemorrhaging. She lost a lot of blood at the scene…the most important thing now is to make it stop, find out where its coming from and get her out of the OR.â€￾

I had to go for the worst case scenario at a time like this; it was the most
rational place to go.

<span style='font-size:8pt;line-height:100%'>When you try your best, but you don't succeed</span>

“And what happens if you can’t? Stop it I mean what then?â€￾ I was having
the worst time absorbing this to

Have any feeling on the situation. I need her to be ok. I needed her to…I
just needed her.





After waiting what seemed to be forever on my own in that small eggplant coloured hallway, I had made all the necessary phone calls. To my mom, her
mom, her sister…Trace. Anyone I thought should have known personally
what was going on. Then again, all I was doing was waiting.

Something I hated doing. So me being me. I set off to find her. Wasn’t hard.
I just followed red headed doctor. That led me to OR 1. A room filled with
doctors, all working on this body, a body that I recognised as Isabel’s. It
was then I lost it. I couldn’t hold in the tears of fear anymore. And for once I
didn’t care who saw me.

As I got closer to the door, I heard them as they worked. Her BP was low,
her heart rate was weak…all bad signs in my book.


<span style='font-size:8pt;line-height:100%'>When you get what you want, but not what you need</span>


I watched them work for over fifteen minutes. Still all I could do was watch.

It was then a nurse spotted me, and tried to convince me to leave, get a
coffee. Yeah that was gonna happen, when hell froze over.
“Sir would you like to see your son?â€￾ she asked. And I nodded. Minutes later
she returned with Ryan in her arms. All he was doing was sucking his dummy
wide eyed at everything around him.

“Hey little man…â€￾ she passed him to me. And he was the most consoling
presence id ever know.

“how you doin’? You ok?â€￾ I asked as he just giggled at me. “That’s your
mom…â€￾ I pointed to the green double doors “she's gonna be ok…she is…we
all are.â€￾

I hoped.



It had taken the doctors a half hour to do what ever it was they were doing.

Finally they said I go in. When I did I had to take a minute. What I saw
wasn’t how I remembered Isabel. She was all bruised and grazed. Her face
was cut and the rest of her covered up, it scared me.

But she was awake and aware so I was guessing that was a good thing.

“Hey you…â€￾ I managed as I took my seat with Ryan on my lap beside her.

“Hiâ€￾ her voice was hoarse and weak. “Justin im so sorry…â€￾

“Shhh. You have no need to be sorry baby, I read it…â€￾ I got to the one thing
I needed her to know.

“You did?â€￾ she managed a smile…

“yeah I did…and I love you too, so much! I am so sorry that I yelled about
all that sh**, I love you and I will always love you…â€￾ I broke down. “You mean
so much to me Izz.â€￾


<span style='font-size:8pt;line-height:100%'>When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
</span>

“I know that you do, I know that…â€￾ she whispered. Then glanced at the
baby “Justin they didn’t tell me, just how bad is it? With me….â€￾

He knew how bad he just didn’t want to be the one to tell her.

“I…â€￾

“And don’t lie this time ok?â€￾ she smiled. Still her demeanour was weak and
she looked so pallid.

“Its bad Izz,â€￾ I said sniffing back the ocean of tears that seemed to be
coming constantly.

“How bad…â€￾ she reached for Ryan’s hand with one of hers as she wiped a
tear away with the other.

“Um, some organs got pretty damaged…but they said if the bleeding stops
then a transplant is the next step…that is the next step, cause your gonna
be fineâ€￾ I reassured both her and myself.

“Right…rightâ€￾ she kept repeating as if she was making herself believe it.

“Justin, I don’t think im gonna be ok.â€￾ She blurted out as she tried to keep in
the tears, finally letting them flow, as did I.

“Don’t be stupid…. You’re my girl, and you’re a fighter don’t tell me
otherwise.â€￾ I tried to smile to try and lighten the mood. In truth all I wanted
to do was hug her. But I couldn’t since she was hooked up to so many wires.

“Um, your mom and sister are on their way here…â€￾ I let her know. “And so is
my mom…I figure they wanna see you…â€￾ I tired to avoid that empty look in her striking eyes, it was killing me.


“J…im scared…â€￾ she cried. “ I don’t want to die…I don’t want to leave you, I don’t want to leave Ryan…it’s all her fault…â€￾ she stressed.

“Her who?â€￾

“They didn’t tell you did then? Justin, the drunk driver…it was Cameron.â€￾

“What?â€￾

“She saw me, she was next to me in the line of traffic, and I knew by the
way she had pulled up that she wasn’t exactly sober. I tried to talk to her.
But she just started screaming at me and drove back…A second later…she
rammed in to me…and the other car…I…â€￾ at this point she was in full on
tears, and it was obvious her BP was rising, her heart monitor went off.

“Izz its ok…ill deal with it…I promise ok?â€￾


<span style='font-size:8pt;line-height:100%'>When the tears come streaming down your face</span>


“NO…â€￾ she emphasized again, this time her frail body seemed to grow
weaker… “Just, please don’t leave me…â€￾ at that point I knew I couldn’t
leave her, I just couldn’t. So I did my best to get up on the bed with her, just
letting her be with our son. Giving her as much comfort as I could without
showing her just how scared I was, I knew what was happening. And
looking back I really wish I hadn’t of known.

****************************************

Truth was I knew I wasn’t going to come out of this, I knew it by the look in his eyes. I saw it all. The pain, the panic, the uncertainly. I didn’t want to die; I wanted to live to see my son grow, to see my love for Justin grow. But as destiny would have it I guess I just wasn’t meant to. Didn’t make it any easier though.

“Hey look your mom and sister are gonna be here soon, and I donated some
blood. I think he said we’re the same type…weird huh?â€￾ he smiled down at
me.

“Well I always knew we were similar. I guess I just didn’t know how much.â€￾
We stayed silent as the doctor came in to check on my vitals. Frowning to
himself before he turned and attempted to lie to me.

“well ms Andrews, we’re going to observe you for a little while longer, and


then…if things are going right we can begin with the procedures to- “

“But what if it doesn’t, what if I bleed out again….â€￾

“Well….â€￾ He looked at Justin with that same fear in his eyes.

“Look if you know something I think ive earned the right to know, don’t you?â€￾

Again with the silence.

“Well??â€￾

“Ms Andrews…â€￾

“Isabel,â€￾ I corrected. I may have been weak but I wasn’t stupid.

“We are concerned about the severity of your wounds, and the damaged
caused to your insides…if we are unable to keep you from bleeding out, and
if there aren’t enough blood and with the waiting lists for organs…â€￾ he
rambled. “We may not have any other options.â€￾

This seemed to infuriate Justin, “what the f*** kind of Doctor are you…there
are thousands of options accessible. She's young, I don’t understand….â€￾

“Well sir she is, but there is also an extremely lengthy waiting list….â€￾

“Well f*** that, look what ever it costs I don’t care, but y’all aren’t just gonna sit here on your ass and let her….â€￾ Die. I don’t know why he didn’t
say it. We all knew it.

He took a deep breath, as if to calm himself down.

“Justin, its ok. Im sure they are doing all they can.â€￾ I added noticing my voice
hadn’t gotten so much weaker than before. My body felt like a ton weight
and my head ever so light.

I knew what was happening…

“Doctor, would you mind…â€￾ I gestured to the door, and he gracefully
complied with my request.

“Justin, baby listen to me. I am ok with this...â€￾ he shook his head as if he
didn’t want to listen to what I had to say. “No…I need you to hear me.â€￾ I
persisted as he sat in closer to me.


“I love you. So much. You opened my life Justin you made me live. Before you I was a basic type writer. It’s all I did. But you showed me, that I needed…
and wanted more. That I deserved more. You made me see that. You gave
me Ryan. This little man that I didn’t know I could love so much. Justin if
something happens…â€￾

â€￾Don’t Izz…â€￾ he tried to stop me with his finger to my try lips.

“If it does. Just promise me that you won’t let him forget me… and that when
he grows up…â€￾ again he tried to stop me, as the tears fell from both our
swollen eyes. “Don’t be hard on him…just make sure he knows that he’s
loved. Justin make sure you’re loved. You have to much love in that heart of
yours not to…don’t waste it like I almost did…Promise me.â€￾



<span style='font-size:8pt;line-height:100%'>When you lose something you can't replace</span>




I understood why she was doing what she was doing. I just didn’t want to face the fact that she knew as well as I did what was happening.

<span style='font-size:8pt;line-height:100%'>When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
</span>

“Isabel please we’re gonna get you out of here, and you’ll be fine.â€￾ I
hoped. “Look you and I have so much to do…I need you with me…I need
you.â€￾

I knew now I was full on blubbering. It was just one of those times, when I
needed to. The sheer pain that cut in to my soul made me just want to
disappear.

<span style='font-size:8pt;line-height:100%'>Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
</span>

“I love you more than you’ll ever know…â€￾ she said to me, taking my hand in
hers and kissing it once. I saw the little colour she had in her cheeks just
drain. This wasn’t happening.

“Izzy, I never did thank you.â€￾

“For what?â€￾ she smiled softly.

<span style='font-size:8pt;line-height:100%'>And I will try to fix you</span>


“For being you…for coming into my life and changing it – for changing me for
the better. You made my life, you made it mine. Because of you I see that I
wasn’t happy. That I needed something else. Just like you did. You made me
a father. To this little boy, who I promise you will never forget you…never.â€￾ I
sobbed again.

<span style='font-size:8pt;line-height:100%'>
High up above or down below
When you too in love to let it go
If you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth
</span>




“Just thank you…â€￾





“Justin, you know when you asked me a few weeks ago…what I thought you
were to me…â€￾

I nodded.

“I wanted to tell you then but I chickened out… you’re the love of my life.â€￾ She smiled again; as I saw her vitals drop on the monitor above me. It was
less than a minute later. She slowly just closed her eyes as if she was
drifting off to sleep.

It was then the beeping started.

Her heart just stopped beating. But he knew it would never stop loving. Not
as long as he had a little piece of her in their son. As bad as it was losing her
he knew he had her soul with him every time he saw his son smile. And for
that he would be forever in her debt.

<span style='font-size:8pt;line-height:100%'>Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
</span>



The End.......</span>


Lyrics: Coldplay "Fix you" X&Y 2005.


:(

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Postby whatchagot4meMRJT » Wed Sep 07, 2005 7:05 pm

:( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :(

OH.MY.GOD! I seriously think I am going to die. LAURA! You have made me very, very, very, very sad. AHHHH! That was such a hard chapter to read. I never thought that she was going to die. :( :( :(

Okay, let me regain my composure. What a fantastic story! I know that you never intended for it to be long, but every chapter was wonderful and full of drama and emotion. Just like I like it. :D

Isabel left Justin with a beautiful gift. All Justin has to do is look at Ryan and he'll see Isabel. :wub:

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Postby laura » Thu Oct 27, 2005 9:42 am

<span style='font-family:Times'>bumping this cuz i need it for a sec.... *moesys off again*</span>


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