If Loving You Is Crazy,

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PreCiouSbAbY
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Postby PreCiouSbAbY » Wed Aug 31, 2005 11:13 pm

<span style='color:orange'><span style='font-size:19pt;line-height:100%'><span style='font-family:Georgia'>If Loving You is Crazy, Then Call Me Mentally Insane</span></span></span>

<span style='color:blue'><span style='font-family:bradley hand ITC'><span style='font-size:14pt;line-height:100%'>If I was completely and utterly honest with myself, I would not be here talking to you. I would probably be out there with him, smiling with the cameras, enjoying the glitz and glam of notorious hollywood. But I'm not. I'm sitting here with this pen in my hand thinking of words that seem to flow so easily today with a mind so clear and obvious.

Time works in strange ways. It is what allows us to heal, to grieve, to wander, to wish, to work, and to prosper. We use time constantly, and time also allows us to slip away from those we love. It allows us to push away those that mean the most to us or even tear us apart whether measured in minutes or miles.

I never thought I'd be "that" girl. The one who'd sit in the coffeeshop and daydream about love who felt like she would never experience such a thing in her life again. The one who'd smile when she
saw two lovers kissing but deeply felt the green-eyed monster looming within her. The one who played sweet on the outside, but bitter in the inside.

I should laugh at this all right now because that's what i'm supposed to do. You laugh at your past mistakes, and move on...but I can't. It's like a punch in the stomach everytime I see a picture on tv or a snapshot in a magazine. It's so unavoidable that its almost unbareable; to mend a broken heart that you knew you shouldn't have had to begin with.</span> </span></span>

<span style='font-family:georgia'>Chapter 1: Like Sands Through The Hourglass...

Life is like a soap opera. There are the b****es who try to kill the good girl, and the evil sh**s who try to destroy everything and anything that is good in the world. It's a battle between good and evil, without a proper balance life would be boring. Some people yearn for drama, they thrive on making things interesting no matter who's life they have to taper with. I might be sounding really cynical at the moment but life sucks.
It all began when I turned on the tv in the morning and I saw my ex-best-friend, ex-boyfriend, best-friend's ex boyfriend's best friend, ex-whatever else he was to me talking about music. I stared at the screen for a good two minutes until I realized that he was no longer on the screen and I had been just staring off into oblivion. This isn't something new, it happens a lot. Anything that seems to spark any memory of him puts me into a daze almost as if I had been paralyzed. It lasts two minutes but I remember once it lasted almost ten. It was quite funny actually, I was on a date and I excused myself to go to the bathroom but once I got to the bathroom I noticed that someone wrote "I love Justin!" on the stall and so I didn't move for a good ten minutes. When I finally woke up from it I realized I hadn't done my deed so it took me another five minutes plus another two minutes to do a makeup check, by the time I got back my date had three waiters looking for me. Apparently, each time they went to the bathroom to say my name, no one responded so they assumed I had left. It's not that serious of an issue to be honest. It's just sometimes my brain likes to freeze up, think of it like a computer freezing up...its no biggy. Just control-alt-delete except in this case, you just have to slap me.

But thats not what really bothered me. It's when I went to a restaurant with some girlfriend's after a night out in the city. We were sitting down drinking on our alcoholic girlish beverages when this guy walks in. It's Justin and I quietly freak out at the table, in my head i'm thinking he will come talk to me. But when he doesn't even notice me, I begin to lose it, and my girlfriends notice that i'm practically having a seizure so they try to call for an ambulance but obviously i'm telling them "no i'm fineee!" I knew I had to go see him and talk to him. I had to tell him how I felt or I'd feel guilty for the entire night, so i got up and walked to his table. Well lo and behold he was with two women, two skanky little women with big boobs at the table. There was no bodyguard, I was surprised he didn't get raped yet. I gave him a dirty look at first, and he just looked at me like he never met me. I was ready to tell him off.
"Nice of you to say hi!" I greeted him.
"Umm..hi?" he looked like he was confused, I was ready to slap the sh** out of him.
"Who are these skanky hoes?"
"Uh, my mom and sister?"
"Yah ok..Well hello there, you guys sure are friendly family. You guys are practically having a threesome here. Hey everybody look at this porno here!" I announce to the restaurant. I know I was being childish but I was a tad drunk so I forgave myself.
Justin then did the no-she-didn't face followed by the what-the-f*** face, so then i slammed him with the hell-yes-i-did face. He was pissed off almost like he wanted to wrestle with me, and not the sexy kind of way. I smiled at him and then I did my cocky laugh that drove every man crazy. "hahahahaha"
"Who are you!" he yelled at me, "Get out of here!"
"Whoa brother! Chill, I can't believe you're acting like you don't know me! Hello, I'm your 'best friend' or ex-girlfriend that you just was soooo in love with." I laughed hysterically, and then announced to everyone "Hey everyone, this guy right here was in love with me..muah" I pointed at him, and then sat on their table. "Too bad I didn't want you! You've been served busta!"
"Hey hoe, its you got served not you've been served!" skanky big boob girl said.
The minute she said that, my temper went flying. "Is anyone talking to you biznatch? want to take it outside?"
Which resulted in her backing off, and my girlfriends having to escort me out of the place. "I'm not done with you yet" was all I said to Justin as I walked out.

Let it be known, the next morning I found out I was talking to some guy with curly black hair who was sitting with his mom and his younger sister. I sent them a fruit basket as an apology so they wouldn't press charges.

I don't normally talk about it in detail or ever write it done. Sometimes I write poetry or a song to just express how i'm feeling, but I've never really put it on paper. I am now because I need to, my therapist told me to and because if I don't I know sooner or later, the truth will become distorted to fit my own fantasy.

Justin and me, we were good friends when we little, we were those cute little childhood friends with those cute little memories, and all that stuff. We had our first kiss together and after that I was crazy about him..not literally but you know what I mean. I liked him and I thought he liked me, and then when he told me I remember being the most happy kid in the world. We were at that age where boys and girls kissing was gross, and the opposite sex had coodies. We would always hide in places just to kiss and it was really fun to sneak out sometimes. One day we got caught by some of the neighborhood kids and Justin was really embarrassed. He told he didn't want to kiss me anymore and being the girl I am, I cried. He then told he didn't want to be my friend anymore and that made me cry even more. When his mom found out that he was making me cry, she made Justin come over and say sorry. After that, I just hung out with the girls and he hung out with the boys. When I finally hit the age where it was okay to like boys, he started to notice me and one day he invited me to a party. At the party they were playing spin the bottle, and when it was my turn I had to kiss Justin. Afterwards, he asked me out and we started 'dating'. It was really dumb, we'd see each other and go bike riding and kiss but that was it. We never really talked much, but wherever we'd go it was just to say we were 'boyfriend and girlfriend'. When summer came, we were with each other all the time and that's when we really fell in love..the puppy kind of love. We'd write each other love notes, and call each other all the time. It drove my parents crazy that I was acting like this at such a young age. But I didn't care, I was in love. We were still together when he began to really follow his dream, and his career began to take off. I was happy for him, but then we never saw each other so it made it difficult. We broke up, and stopped talking to each other. Once he was in Nsync, he got back with me and we really began to date seriously. I lost my virginity to him, and we were so close at that point that it was almost incapcitating to leave him. I told my parents I wanted to go on tour with him but they kept saying no. Finally, I convinced them and I got to be there with him for the shows, but always in secrecy. I wasn't aloud to say my name to anyone, I had a secret name. I was called Veronica, V for short. My real name could not be revealed. Fame changed Justin, money changed Justin, everything changed him. He was getting so far into himself that I knew if I didn't leave he was going to take me down with him. So we finally broke up, and then soon after I found out he started dating whatever-her-face-is.
Whatever-her-face cheated, and he came crawling back like a baby and I was a sucker for taking him back. Obviously, rebounds never lasted and we broke up in good time. I tried to move on, but it was hard. It was hard when the guy in your head had to measure up to something not human, a celebrity who was bigger than life or at least acted like it. I went to school, I had a life, we ended up somehow being on bad terms. We fought on the phone, I was hurt, he was aggravated and we stopped talking entirely. My best friend Marisa broke up with his best friend, and so all these interconnected friendships disintergrated. I was left with my best girlfriends by my side, and we just stuck it out.

Then summer of 2005 hit, and everything steadily changed. I was done with school, trying to make it out in the real world. I wanted to take a stab at acting so I got an agent and went on auditions. A lot of callbacks later, I got my first role and then another, and so on. Justin wasn't oblivious to the news, he listened with an open ear when he heard my name drop ever so often by some director or producer, afterall he was starting his own movie career. It didn't take him anytime before he began to call me asking me out for dinner and such but strictly professional. (I would have loved to put that in quotes, but it really was the truth) He had a gorgeous actress girlfriend afterall. I never tried to get in-between anything, but eventually something happened and they broke up. Let the record hold, I was never his cheating partner...well at least not in this relationship. (Let's keep that on the DL) We became extremely good friends like the kind that you see in the movie where the guy and girl are such really good friends and always talk and laugh like that but seemed to not have any deep cemented feelings about each other. We were both living out of reality, obviously there were feelings, lots of ignored feelings and we just pretended to act like they weren't there. Until one of us faced the music, and it wasn't me. If you don't want your heart broken, then run away and far away. I played that part so perfectly that when it came time to really be honest, I was already out the door, my bags packed, already loaded in the car, off to some other new found land. I practically had a new identity, except I still had the same name, and I wasn't that hard to detect..I lived in hollywood for Christ's sake!

Then I became insane...not literally, although some of you are bound to think so..and so the story thickens. </span>

<span style='font-size:8pt;line-height:100%'>Stay Tuned for Next Week's Installment </span>

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Postby whatchagot4meMRJT » Thu Sep 01, 2005 8:21 am

Yay, you're back, and you brought another intriguing, great story. I'm interested to know more.

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Postby PreCiouSbAbY » Thu Sep 01, 2005 5:13 pm

<span style='color:blue'><span style='font-family:georgia'>Chapter 2: Therapy Session

I sit on the lovely couch, my body laying towards the ceiling, my feet firmly planted between pillows talking about myself to some stranger who I have only met for a mere few minutes.

"So tell me what's bothering you Kaylie?"
If I knew that I wouldn't be here. "I don't know, its too much to explain. Too complicated, too much nonsense."
"Well if you don't let it out, its really not going to help us solve the problem is it?"
I look at her for a second, the dark red lipstick splashed across her lips and the overly done eyeshadow and blush. I think this woman needs a makeup consultant. Her hair is in a messy ponytail, and her clothes seem right out of the 60s.
I tell her how I feel, "I feel confused."
"Okay, that's better. Confused about what?"
"My life, the direction i'm going, and about.."
"About what?"
"A person."
"Who?"
"I'd rather not say."
"Anything you say will not leave this room, my lips are sealed." She puts her finger on her lips, and I notice that she's smudged her lipstick.
"Your face?"
"Who's face?"
"No your face, you have lipstick all over your face."
Embarrassed, she takes a tissue and wipes her smudge marks, and then redirects herself to our indepth conversation.
"Okay, about this person? Is it a boy?"
"Yes."
"Is it a boy you've dated?"
"Yes."
"For how long?"
"A very long time."
"Have you broken up, and yet still have feelings for him but yet don't know how to express them to him or that you want to still be friends with him but he is incapable of having a friendship with you?"
"Umm.."
"Oh sorry, I got a little ahead of myself. Are you still in love with him?"
"I don't know. I guess, maybe, a little. Okay fine a lot. I'm crazy about him, I think about him all the time and it's driving me nuts. I can't sleep, eat, live properly without thinking about him. When I see his face, I freeze. When I look at a magazine, I stare at it forever until I realize time has passed by and I haven't moved. It's like a paralysis but it doesn't make sense. It's like I'm insane, but I've never acted this way. Honestly, I'm normal, i'm not psychotic, I can't be psychotic, I'm not supposed to be one of those people with psychological issues. I'm not!"
"Ok, calm down. Take a deep breathe, and count to ten. Everything is going to be fine." She then takes off her thick red colored frames off her face, "Look you don't have to psychotic to be here, i'm just here to help you talk about your problems. Everybody has some problems, that's being human."
I sigh, and nod then go back to staring at the ceiling.
"So what is this boy's name?"
"I'd rather not say, you'd think I was insane."
"Now, now..nobody thinks you're insane, I'm not going to be judgemental."
"His name is Justin."
"Does he have a last name?"
"Timberlake."
"Justin Timberlake? You mean the singer?"
I nod. She stares at me, and then presses the button on the intercom.
"Sarah, I need you to get in touch with Dr.Einstein, and ask him if he would schedule an appointment for one of my patients. Thanks." She smiles, and then begins to fidget with her pen. "What kind of thoughts do you have about him?"
"Like how we were meant to be together, and how I miss him. How I regret not telling him how I felt."
"When was the last time you guys 'talked'," she puts her hands in quotation marks.
"The last time we 'talked' was 5 months ago..I changed my cellphone number so he wouldn't call me."
"Why did you do that?"
"It was an impulsive reaction. I just did whatever felt right at the moment, and staying away from him was it. " I paused, "He was in love me," I said in an obvious tone.
"Oh I see, and he told you this."
"Yes, he would always tell me. But I thought he just meant as in a friendship kind of way, but then he admitted that he was really in love with me and I..was happy."
"When was this?"
"Around Christmas."
"Okay, and this is while he was dating Cameron Diaz?"
"Excuse me?'
"He told you he loved you while he was with Cameron Diaz?"
"No, he wasn't with anyone..I mean we weren't really together, but he wasn't with anyone."
"He's been with her for quite some time I believe. I mean didn't he tell you that."
"What? He never dated her."
"He's dating her right now."
"No he isn't. I bet its just some dumb publicity stunt." I shrug off.
Suddenly, the timer goes off, and my therapist tells me our time is over. "I'm going to have you visit Dr.Einstein next week and see what he can prescribe so you can sleep and eat better. Ok? Just meet with Sarah in the front, and she'll give you the date and time." She smiles in an eccentric manner, "have a nice day, Kaylie."
"Bye," I say nonchalantly and walk out.

"Tuesday at 4 o'clock good?"
I nod, "That's fine."
"What kind of doctor is Dr.Einstein?" I ask in curiousity.
"He's a psychiatrist, he mainly works with mental patients."
I smile at her, "So I'm mental."
Her facial expression suddenly changes, "Uhh..umm that's not what I meant."
"Yeah, save it. I don't want to hear it."

I walk out and watch as the building flees away from sight, evaporating out of my mind. </span></span>

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Postby whatchagot4meMRJT » Fri Sep 02, 2005 7:17 am

Geez, these doctors are going to make her feel like a freak by the time this is all over. I hope she can get some peace of mind one day.

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Postby PreCiouSbAbY » Sat Sep 03, 2005 10:45 pm

<span style='font-family:georgia'>Chapter 3: It's Those IdioSYNCrasies.

I feel this sudden lack of ability to breathe. My body has lost all of its nerves, I am numb like winter days when your face is frozen cold. I imagine myself on top of a mountain where my breathe is clearly seen as if the smokes of a cigar pours through the air, sift and softly. I am perfectly okay, I say to myself. I watch as the world walks on, my thoughts trampling over my self-consciousness. I don't know how I've come so near to insanity, this isn't me, it never was. I guess when you allow yourself to indulge in your imagination, allow your mind to take over your life, you lose it. You lose all control of it. I don't think i've lost it, no not yet. I have this immediate urge for coffee, and I direct my eyes across the street to the nearest starbucks. As I wait patiently for the light to say 'walk', I think of the name Starbucks, and how a man of such simplicity became to own one of the greatest coffee chains in the states. The name starbucks was taken from the classic American novel Moby Dick, one of the characters on the ship. I thought about how much I detested that novel in high school and yet I still remember the novel as if I read it yesterday. Tragedy strikes in all sorts of forms, and I felt close to that novel regardless that it was taken place not on land but at sea.

Finally the light changed to 'walk' and as I crossed the streets with the rest of pedestrians, a child in front began to scream. Screaming in public always seems to go in hand with somewhat insanity, but not for children. It's normal if children are screaming, but people always shake their heads assuming there's something wrong with the parents..incapable of controlling their children's behavior. If an older woman or man were to scream in public, people would initially assume they were crazy. They'd stare because it was curiousity and incapability to look away that let their eyes fall on this strange person. At the moment, I felt the urge to scream like the child wondering how they'd react. A few seconds later, I stepped inside the room of the starbucks. Continually people walked in and out, some pushing because their bodys were hungry for caffeine. Coffee was the quite the addiction, one woman was ready to put up a fight with another if she wasn't going to get back to where she was. "No cutting!" I could feel the man in front of me grew weary, he was claustrophobic. He was breathing heavily, he somewhat reminded me of how I felt a little while before except I wasn't stuffed into a room full of unbearable people.

I waited in line patiently until I noticed gasps and the room grew silent. A bodyguard sifted his way through the people, picked up a coffee and walked out. When I looked outside the window, a noticed a man and a blonde beauty walk away.
"Did you see Justin Timberlake?" one woman who looked almost the same age as me say loudly. "Let's go after him!" she giggles to her friend.
I watch the massively crowded room disappear in numbers as one by one leave to follow the man they thought they had seen. I roll my eyes but secretly glad that now I don't have to wait so long in the line. After I pay for my coffee, my curiousity is aggravating. I can't help but wonder if it really is him and who the blonde girl with him is. I don't want to believe but it must be her, I think to myself.

I notice the crowd in the distance, the paparazzis' lights constantly flashing, and bodyguards trying to push away people. I try to act like i'm just walking by, but really it was just a trainwreck waiting to happen. I couldn't see anything because of the group that encircled them so I tried to move a little closer, but the closer I moved, the more pushing and shoving I dealt with..until I finally got to the center. There, dead center I stood in front of two bodyguards, the person I wished who wasn't there, and the one who I wished was. I got a blank stare from him, a dirty look from her, and just a don't-f***-wit-me look from the bodyguards. It was awkward, but truthfully the tension in the air was more indescribable than ever. It was a only mere seconds encounter and soon after I nudged my way out of the circle, and tried to get as far away as possible from the scene.

I walked and walked and walked until I couldn't walk no more. I thought I had gone a pretty long distance, so I slowed my pace this time unsure of where I was headed. To my surprise, a black car stopped in front of me and the driver pulled down the window asking me to stop walking.
"Ma'am?" I didn't answer, how was I to know he was speaking to me?
"Ma'am?" he repeatedly, much louder this time.
"Huh? You talking to me?" I asked.
"Yes, do you mind if I give you lift?"
Obviously I found this to be odd, I thanked him and said no.
Then another window pulled down, and it was Justin with his eyes..and hair..and plain stupidness "Please?" that I so easily fell for.

We awkwardly sat in the car, me and him and one of his bodyguards. The blonde bombshell known as Cameron had disappeared and fallen off the earth...at least I hoped she did. After an awkard silence, I asked about her whereabouts and he simply replied "Had a meeting". A vague answer I thought to myself.

"How have you been?" he said with a smile acting like this had been a long awaited day for the both of us when in actuality it was never wanted in the first place.
"I am good," I lied. How nice would it have been to have replied with lucid honesty. ..Well actually I'm crazy, and i'm soon going to be medicated for my insanity and its all because of you.

"That's good." These are the conversations you have with an uncle or some old person. We shouldn't have to talk in fragmented pieces.
"You?'
"I'm great." Well, he one-upped me. I'm happy for you, so happy, so incredibly, filthy happy.
"I'm glad."
"I'm getting married." He blurts out.
I laugh, "excuse me?'
"I said i'm getting married."
"huh, what?"
He pauses as if he knew I was going to react this way, he then bites his lip that sexy way and thinks for a moment what to say. "I proposed and I'm going to marry to her."
If there's one thing Justin and I knew about each other is how we don't ever address a girlfriend and boyfriend's name, any ex's name for that matter. It was always a her or a him..and by that we always knew which one. I don't know how, but we just did. I think it was the way it was said, the tone of voice. We hated hearing their names because we liked the image of us and no one else. It allowed us to elude from the idea that we belonged to anyone else. In the end, we were firm believers that it was just going to be us..at least that was my take of it.
I let myself take in what he said, i had to pretend to be happy, I couldn't sit there and cry and be the emotional ex-girlfriend who wanted him to herself..even though that was the case. "I'm happy for you." I said it, and just blankly stared back at the window wishing I was home and in bed. I fought back the tears, and tried to think of happier thoughts.
This must be it--what will finally take me over the edge, I think to myself. I sit momentarily in my pity party, and then put my mask back on.
"So, how'd you propose?" I say with enthusiasm.
He knows from my face that I'm trying, maybe a little too hard. "In front of her family, it was really great."
I smile, and give him a hug and show that I care. I love you, I want to whisper into his ear as I smell his scent. His scent that hasn't left the few t-shirts that i've kept in my closet. The ones I wear before I go to bed, the ones that I dare not wash away for fear that I will no longer remember what he smelled like.

Finally, the car turns into my driveway and it is time for goodbye. It's the uncertainty that hurts the most of when we'll see each other again. I fear that the next time I see him, he'll be standing next to his bride-to-be saying his vows, but I try to not imagine the thought of it.
"I'm here." I smile, hoping that he doesn't uncover the fake joy I wear.
He doesn't say anything, he sits there having the look on his face when he thinks too much.
"Roger, mind giving us a minute?"
The two of us now secluded in the back of this black car, and he still hasn't said a thing.
"What is it?" I ask him, ansy for him to say something-anything.
"You left."
"I left?"
He nodded. "You left me..just like that. Like it was no big deal, you come and sit in my car like the last time you saw me was yesterday..but Kaylie you've been gone a long time. No phone call, no nothing. I felt like a joke to you. I said how I felt, and it was just a blow to the head. I didn't think out of all the people in the world that you'd be the one to do such a thing, to hurt me that f***ing bad. So when I saw you today I know I had to see you, because I'd regret if I didn't try talking to and tell you how I felt because I've been wanting to say this for a goddamn time. I wasted my heart and time on you, and now i'm done with you. So don't ever talk to me."
My eyes were consumed in shock, and my heart felt heavy. I could have said anything at that moment, but I couldn't utter a single word. I just let tears slowly fall and he watched in pity.
He shook his head at me in disappointment, "Get the f*** out of my car."

I did what I was rudely told to do, and watched as the car sped away. </span>

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Postby whatchagot4meMRJT » Sun Sep 04, 2005 9:48 am

Oh my God. Holy awkward moments, Batman. That sucks that it had to end again on such a sour note. I have a feeling this won't be the last time they ever see each other, but that was so sad and abrupt.

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Re: If Loving You Is Crazy,

Postby PreCiouSbAbY » Fri Nov 28, 2008 3:04 am

omg creepy. I don't even remember writing this story haha. oh how the times go by.


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